(open) i will never find a way to heal my soul

[puzzlingly]

Who: Atem and peeps. Open mostly, specially to anyone in the in the clinic.
What: Atem finally comes to after being attacked by Yukari, spends some time at the clinic being a massive grump, then goes home to grump a little more.
Where: Clinic / house 6-1
When: November 3rd- 14th
Warnings: Mentions of stitches and wounds ew, torture and blood. Other possible warnings in comments.


november 3rd | clinic | open to one trafalgar law

「He wakes. He wakes and all his being pushes him to scream, it is not possible for someone to withstand so much pain, so much cold. But he does not utter a sound. His body shivers from the cold, and he frantically looks around trying to get his bearings, trying to locate him, Yukari. He doesn't remember anything, just pain, and so much red, and the need to hurt that man as much as he possibly could, to stop him from going after someone else, then nothing, just nothing. He tries to sit up, failing completely, the ache down his chest forcing him to fall back onto the mattress and finally making him blurt out a pained cry.

It's been so long since he's felt this torment, this body is was not designed to endure so much punishment, it was a temporal vessel for his wandering soul. Why must he go through it all over again? Wasn't he done? Wasn't his time up? Why have they abandoned here...? Was he never good enough to move on, to go back home? -- Why is he here?!

Please end it, anyone, please just, end him.」

november 3rd - 12th | clinic | ota

「He should probably be sleeping instead of forcing himself to stay awake and even more so, forcing his dominant hand to play chess on his phone, or even to reply a few messages. Hell, he can barely hold the stupid phone, but he needs the distraction. Every time he goes to sleep, he sees his face, and then he remembers how stupid he was to give his trust away, again.

Meh, just meh...」

november 13rd - 14th | imported house 6-1 | open to bakura and anyone who asks idk (someone bring food to this child omg)

「Not being able to stay at the clinic any longer, because it is so damn depressing, Atem finally convinces them to let him go home, under the solemn promise that he would not do anything stupid. Like going outside and look for Yukari.

Being drained from the past days, he often finds himself simply sleeping, indulging into tiredness and allowing his vessel to regain its strength (not that he has many options controlling that...). But more than once, he finds himself bored to death and trying to get a hold of his cards, he can't. Having sliced through his fingers, trying to avoid Yukari's blade to go any further into his shoulder has made it impossible for now. It is so frustrating, so painful! 」

Dammit!

「It wouldn't be the first nor the last time during these days that he's absolutely tempted to toss his deck of cards to a close wall due sheer resentment, but he doesn't... Picking them up would be yet another pain in the ass.」

Comments

[so_dark_a_road]

I will do my best. This time, I will not fail. And yes, he did want me off the list.

[ This is the same thing Curufin is worried about. Having gotten Curufin off the list, what if Yukari decides to go back to killing because he still feels he has a mandate to see to it that once the Null win, they don't execute Curufin for a loudmouthed enemy of theirs? Yukari believes what the Null say, even though there is nothing believable about their statements. He is too terrified of losing Curufin to do otherwise.

And Curufin cannot allow him to carry out any such plans if he has them. He'll either have to kill him to stop him, or stuff him in a closet and lock the door. ]

Yes, he does. I just wish he could hear me, when I say that I don't regard my survival, or even his, as the highest good -- not when it is bought at such a price as this. If I am going to fight for my survival and that of my family and friends and community, I want it to be all of us, side by side, opposing the most obvious and immediate threat to our survival -- the Null. If we live, then good. If we die, then it wasn't for nothing.

But he can't hear that. He can't hear me. [ He runs his hand through his hair in exasperation and frustration. ]

[puzzlingly]

「What Curufin says about fighting together reaches Atem's heart in a way that he may never know, and it hurts as much as Yukari's blade did, only because it was exactly what he wanted, what he wished from the people of Hadriel. To fight together, to be as one, because there wasn't a strongest force than the one that came from cooperation. But, apparently, that's all he can ever do, wish and hope.

Zorc was right... The shadows in people's hearts, were going to be there, always. And the hating would continue, the wars would never end, no matter how bright his own light was.

Atem turns his head the other way, clearly affected by those words, unable to build a wall to protect himself right now.」

I can't help you with that.

「And in this right moment, he doesn't want to. He's angry at Yukari, at himself, and he's not sure he can trust Curufin enough either, not even after that little speech. Yukari had fractured something in him beyond his body. And he cannot tell Curufin what he really wants, that if it is not him who gets Yukari and makes him pay for what he's doing, Atem will.」

[so_dark_a_road]

[ But Curufin would understand that message reaching Atem's heart. The dream of working together, fighting together, forging a new society together -- ah, what a beautiful dream! Curufin had had something like that in the old days in his own world, with his immediate family, but horrible events had occurred, and the extended family had been torn apart by awful dissension. Slowly, everything he had worked for was corrupted by that soul-destroying oath of vengeance that he and his father and his brothers had sworn. And Curufin died. But in his last hours, he had foresworn the Oath and turned to a new path, one he chose to follow through the Darkness and eventually into a new life. He carried the dream with him, stubbornly determined to build something new, to make possible what he had once believed impossible because he had destroyed it himself. And now he was finished with that kind of destruction. He was committed again to the dream. Even if he had to serve it imperfectly because he was a shadowed being.

And now, in the city of Hadriel, here is this brave, vulnerable young man who has been hurt by one Curufin has loved, and Curufin feels somehow that there is something he can do, though he does not yet know what it is. He speaks with the utmost gentleness. ]

I know. I don't expect you to.

But I would like to know what I can do for you. Even if it's a small thing.

[puzzlingly]

It is not you who has to do anything for me, Curufin. I think you know that well.

「He glances back at him.」

Just make sure he doesn't hurt anyone else.

「But it might be too late for that, isn't it?」

[so_dark_a_road]

Yes, I'm afraid I do. [ Very slight smile. ] Still, I did pledge, didn't I? [ In a dream, of course, but still, it was kind of promise. ]

[ Unfortunately, Yukari killed Prussia the day before he attacked Atem. But when Curufin caught up with him a few days later, Yukari said he was not going to attack anyone else. Curufin is taking some precautions to make sure he lives up to that. ]

I will do all that I can.

[puzzlingly]

「To be reminded of that dream again, it is a bittersweet sensation that saddens him and it might show in the way Atem looks at him. What he wouldn't give to be back to that dream, to his home, to be someone who could actually do something for a change and not some useless boy. He missed his friends, his priests, his subjects, he missed taking care of every one of them and being able to do so.

He tries to force a smile at Curufin, but he can't.」

Go, Curufin... Be careful of our enemies.

「He remembers that promise.

[so_dark_a_road]

[ Curufin sees that look of longing in Atem's eyes. It is always difficult to be displaced into a time not your own. And in Atem's case, there seems to be some problem with identities, although the Elf doesn't know the exact mechanics of the situation. Trafalgar was very reluctant to give away anything he knew. But no matter. Curufin expects to talk with the spikey-haired boy again, and perhaps there will eventually be enough trust between them to make the telling of strange histories possible.

He smiles back at Atem, even though the face Atem turns towards him cannot quite manage a smile. ]

I will go now. Atem. . . you be careful, too.

[ And Curufin will find some way to keep that promise. Both the one he just now made, and the one in the dream. He leaves, but smiles once more before he disappears through the door. ]