hadriel_logs | I Hear You Night After Night

Entry tags:

I Hear You Night After Night

Who: Seel and Swift
What: They really need to have a heart to heart
Where: Their house. Apartment. Thing
When: 4 April
Warnings: May be depressing, will be talk of abuse. Will update as needed

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It had been a while since they'd actually talked. Not when everything seemed to be falling apart around them. They should have done this weeks ago but...well. There just wasn't an opportunity. Because of course that was the moment that the entire city went crazy. Him included. And he knew exactly how awful he'd been to put up with. He should apologize for that too.

Swift had no idea where Seel went during the day, but he didn't stop him. He'd have avoided him too after everything that had happened. And he knew Seel well enough by now to know that he needed something to do that wasn't sitting around. Which was about all that Swift was doing lately. And that was strange too, that he didn't have a thousand hara clambering for an audience or so much as a decision about cabbage to make. He was almost becoming Cobweb and that was a terrifying thought by itself.

He toyed with the idea of calling Seel back home early, but instead settled on just waiting for him to come home on his own. He'd rather Seel not resent him for interrupting whatever business he had outside the home they'd claimed. Maybe he was still just a touch paranoid, but he could be patient and it wasn't that hard a thing to at least give Seel a chance to be in a better mood about it.

So he waited on the couch pretending to read one of the reports he'd come in with. He tried to actually read it, but the words all ran together and seeing as he couldn't do much with it anyway, he wasn't all that invested in trying. He just needed something to occupy him while he waited. Impatiently.

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When Seel came into their apartment, shutting the door behind him, he was struck by how familiar that scene looked and it brought a smile to his face. For a moment he could pretend that they weren't trapped in this hell of a place with two suns and no way out. For a brief moment, they were back in Forever, and he didn't have to worry about anything other than those stupid reports to the Hegemony. Except they weren't back in Forever and even if he was he had more to worry about than reports. Like Azriel and Aleeme and Forever and Galhea and the entire freaking world since Ponclast got loose.

Still trying to keep the image in his mind and pretend, he walked over to Swift, enjoying the sight of him lounging and leaned over to give his chesnari a kiss. "You should do that more often."

Sure reports weren't exactly fun, but it was familiar and that much Seel enjoyed. Repetition, security.

At least Seel seemed to be in a good mood. That boded well already, although there was really no telling when that would change. He shouldn't have been so paranoid about it. He knew what Seel was like. He should, after so long. It wasn't like any of this was a surprise. Except maybe the location. That he was still getting used to.

He even smiled when Seel kissed him, though he looked a bit distracted. He couldn't keep that off his face. Too much to think about. And too much free time to think about it.

"I should pretend to read more? I suppose I could arrange that." He was half tempted to just take the opportunity to not say anything but that wasn't helping anything either. They were supposed to be adults. They couldn't just pretend that nothing had happened. So he sighed instead, and looked up at Seel from his place on the couch.

"We should...probably talk."

And there went his good mood. Still, he tried. Tried to pretend they were still in Forever and this was just another day. Another talk. Like all the shit they'd been through hadn't happened. Seel wished he had a drink. Or a damn smoke. Sighing, he sat down on a chair, purposefully not sitting next to Swift on the couch. He wanted the distance, at least right now.

"Alright, what did you want to talk about?" He asked carefully, because dammit Seel was not going to make this easy for him. If he wanted to talk, he was going to have to do it. Even if he knew that wasn't the mature way to handle a relationship. He fidgeted with his fingers, wishing he had a cigarette to at least hold on to like a damn security blanket.

Swift made a face. He knew that was coming, but maybe he'd hoped Seel would at least pretend to be an adult about it. He couldn't help himself from making that face, either, and it was too late to do anything about it anyway, but he watched Seel sit down--as far away from him as he could get--and fidget for a moment before Swift sighed. He wanted to look away from him but he should look at his partner when he talked to him. One of them was going to be an adult, at least.

"Well to start with, I should apologize for behaving so strangely the other day. I was being ridiculous and...I really couldn't help it. I'm sorry you had to deal with that." He wouldn't have wanted to deal with himself. Hopefully it wouldn't happen again. He hadn't enjoyed any part of that.

Seel, be an adult? That was why he was given to you Swift. Because he was almost incapable of acting like a mature har. And so, yes, he sat down at the furthest possible place because he was angry and upset and pouting like a harling. No, a human child, because at least a harling might know better.

However, Swift apologizing was not what Seel expected and it threw him. He wanted to pout, to sulk, knowing what they had to talk about, what neither of them had brought up. His sulk broken, he gave Swift a surprised look.

"I....." He opened his mouth, starting to say something and then closed it, actually at a loss at what to say at the moment, having been so ready to say something cruel.

What a wonderful start. But really, what had Swift been expecting? Seel was probably getting ready to launch into another tirade and Swift had managed to surprise him and wreck all his plans. That was probably a good thing for now, but this wouldn't work if it was just him talking at Seel.

"I am sorry, Seel. I hope you believe that."

Seel steadied himself and tried again. This time, words actually came out. "I know you are. And I know you wouldn't have acted like that under normal circumstances." At least he hoped so. He hadn't in the last thirty years.

"Are you really afraid of me Swift?" Seel had to ask. If they were going to get anywhere, Seel had to know that. How much had been the gods influence and how much was Swift?

"No,' he answered immediately. If Seel had been closer, he'd have reached out and held onto his hand. As it was, his hand twitched like he wanted to. He took a deep breath and sighed, trying to organize his thoughts.

"I've never been afraid of you, Seel. I don't know what came over me. But..." That was a bad idea. Adding a but to that was a terrible idea. "It doesn't matter. We need to trust each other. I think they're trying not to let us."

Seel wasn't sure he wanted to come closer yet. He knew it was stupid and he should be seated next to his chesnari, that everything that happened shouldn't come between them but he couldn't help it. He wanted to indulge that petty, childish, part of him that dug his heels in and kicked.

He caught the 'but', and sighed, waiting for something that never came. Now he couldn't let it go.

"But? If we're going to trust each other, then tell me what you were going to say."

Of course. But Seel was right, and he knew it, so he actually did answer. As much as he didn't want to.

"But it's nothing you haven't heard from me before, Seel. I'm not afraid of you, but you have a temper. Enough of one that sometimes I can't tell what's you and what's being done to you."

"I don't know what you expect me to say to that Swift." Seel was angry, what a surprise. At least he was still sitting down, a product no doubt of his training with Maglor. He crossed his arms defensively.

"You've always known who I am Swift. I never made that a secret."

"I know, Seel. But nothing has changed. After so long, it's still the same. You're still on the other side of the room because you didn't like what I had to say." And Swift still had to step carefully to make sure that he didn't say the wrong thing and end up getting hit for it.

"I don't know how to help you."

Seel took a deep breath, trying to catch himself. "You're right." And so he picked himself up and made himself sit next to Swift, folding his hands in his lap.

"I am trying, Swift."

"I know you are." He reached over immediately and laid a hand on top of Seel's folded ones since he couldn't actually hold onto one, apparently. "And I'm grateful for that. I truly am. And I will do everything I can to help. I just don't want it to get so bad again that I end up in a room and other people notice."

Feeling Swift's hand on top of his folded ones, Seel paused a moment and then unfolded them, letting Swift hold onto one. He let his fingers interlace with his.

"It won't. I'll do my best not to let that happen again.I'll.... try and use my words." Of course using his words was also a problem but at least they were words and not locked doors.

"Thank you." He squeezed Seel's hand and then leaned over to rest his head on Seel's shoulder. It had to say something that they always came back to each other regardless of how angry they got or who got hurt this time.

"I can talk to Maglor, too, if you'd like. Maybe he'll let you sleep in for a few days."

Seel shook his head. "No, that's okay. It's helping." He watched Swift for a moment, letting him rest his head on his shoulder. "I'm sorry I hurt you Swift."

He sighed and let Swift squeeze his hand for reassurance, his own emotions swirling. He wished he could feel that reassurance his chesnari offered but Seel merely sighed, closed off.

"I know you are. It will be alright. We'll find a way through it. Together." That was the point, wasn't it? That they were stronger as a pair than apart.

But Seel felt...stiff, next to him. Or cold, at least. He wasn't reciprocating, just letting Swift do what he wanted to be closer. He pulled back for a moment, lifting hi head from Seel's shoulder to look up at him with a frown.

"Are you alright? Did I say something?"

Seel gave a shrug, trying to be nonchalant but it probably came across as weird, especially given the situation. They were stronger together, weren't they? Or had their time here broken that? Were they just kidding themselves? Playing like everything was fine in Forever, but here, apart from the comfort and home, could anything ever be?

".....I think this place broke me, Swift." Was this torment what Azriel had to look forward too? Hostling and son and Swift was the only sane one left.

Swift did not let go of Seel's hand, holding on tightly, like that might be the last thing holding Seel next to him. Like if he let go, Seel might vanish, either pulled physically away from his side or into himself and then Swift wouldn't be able to retrieve him. It was as much a comfort to him to hold on as he was hoping it was for Seel.

"Why would you say that?" he finally managed, expression turning to concern as he watched him. He reached a hand out to lay it on the side of Seel's face, but at this point he wouldn't be surprised if he pulled away.

Seel would have pulled away immediately if Swift hadn't been holding onto his hand tightly. His chesnari had the right idea, he was ready to retreat into himself, but was forcibly anchored. He tried to sort out what he was feeling, all those undoubtedly feminine emotions whirling up and choosing the exact horrible time to show themselves.

He didn't move, letting Swift lay a hand across his face, honestly unsure if he wanted to touch him back or turn away.

"It's just a feeling. I've been here longer than you have, Swift." His voice had a monotone quality to it, and he stared out at a nondescript portion of wall.

He wanted to sigh, but bit his tongue instead. That wouldn't help anything. But Seel wouldn't even look at him, and that was worrying and frustrating and he almost just wanted to cry. There really was nothing to do to help him. Maybe he'd even caused the problem by forcing him to sit down and talk.

"That doesn't answer the question." He shook his head but didn't move his hands. Maybe Seel didn't want to touch him, but he wanted to touch Seel.

"Is this...did I do this, Seel? Is this my fault?"

Seel shook his head, half wanting to fold his arms back into himself but Swift held him still. He knew he wasn't helping things and he'd look back on his behavior with disgust, but at the moment, he couldn't stop.

"It's not your fault Swift. You didn't do this." He forced himself to blink and look away from the wall, but not yet at Swift. Instead, he chose a spot between them.

"Did I ever tell you I died?" He said it so matter-a-factly, events and emotions whirling through him.

Swift was not entirely certain he believed that it wasn't at least partly his fault. He'd insisted on talking and now Seel was falling apart and as much as he tried to flail around and hold him together, the pieces kept slipping through his fingers. He tried to help but it felt like he was only making it worse.

Until Seel's revelation and then he couldn't breathe for a moment. What was he even supposed to say to that?

"No. You didn't. Ag, Seel..." No wonder he was in such a state. "What happened?"

Half of Seel wasn't sure he should have said anything, the other half exasperated and wondering why he hadn't told his chesnari everything sooner. They couldn't fix it unless they shared. Right? He made himself squeeze Swift's hand back, trying to bring himself back to center. He turned halfway toward Swift, intending to look at him, to share breath and show him what happened and stopped. The words came instead, Seel unsure he wanted to share just then. Or was that what he needed?

"Some human slit my throat. I don't even know why. Fun?" He finally turned the rest of the way toward Swift and squeezed his hand, meaning it this time.

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