hadriel_logs | Event Log: Dreamwalker

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Event Log: Dreamwalker

Who: Everyone!
What: The Dreamwalker event
Where: In your comfy bed and your sleepy head.
When: May 16th-26th
Warnings: Good dreams, weird dreams, bad dreams, straight-up nightmares. Please remember to tag for warnings in the header if things are going to be bad!

Have you been having trouble getting a good night's sleep? Tossing and turning, unable to rest those tired eyes? Or maybe you don't sleep at all, and never have. Not to worry! For a little while, you'll have no trouble at all falling asleep - in fact, as night falls, you'll find yourself overwhelmed with exhaustion whether you want to sleep or not. Lay down and rest your weary head, friends. Everyone could use a little extra sleep.

But what will your dreams bring? Something happy, images of a perfect day? Something hopeful, something you've wanted for a long time? Maybe you'll dream of anger, of the face of your worst enemy. Or maybe - just maybe - you'll have a horrific nightmare, and wake screaming, covered in cold sweat.

Not before others have time to see it, though. As you sleep, as you dream, the other residents of Hadriel, friends and enemies and people you've only met once, might find their way into your dreams. Or you might find your way into theirs - and then have to deal with someone's else's nightmares, or hopes, or anger. For the next ten nights, you'll find yourself either a host or a visitor, and no matter how you try you won't be able to stay awake once night falls.

Sweet dreams, Hadriel. Don't let the asshole fear gods bite.

► This log covers May 16th-26th.
► Feel free to make your own logs as well!
► Please tag headers of threads with content warnings where they apply
► Please put your character's name and open/closed in the subject line of your starters!
► You can't die in the dreams, but if you somehow manage to trip and fall and kill yourself getting out of bed, please report it on the death post.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ In the real world, darkness is an absence of light. There are glimpses of it in the shadows of the world, when the sun sets or when you’re outside its gaze. This is something else. The darkness in this dream does not simply lack light. It pulls light in, like it has a force of its own, and it’s cold, and cloying, and somehow heavy when it touches your skin. It’s darkness that is formless, and yet seems alive. It’s vast in its emptiness, and malevolent in its approach. It’s here in the edges of this dream, lingering a few feet away on every side. The ground that they’re running on is hidden by it, or dissolves into it, or becomes part of it, and it’s not clear which is true.

What is clear is that they can’t move through it. The darkness always stays a certain distance away, and even as they run, the patch of visible ground seems to move with them, as if they’re never really getting anywhere.

The creature – the thing – the form of Death, the hooded one, has no such problems. It keeps coming, always moving, always gaining, always walking and never running. Gansey knows why. He has always known. It’s because it doesn’t need to run. It will catch him anyway.

But it can’t catch Adam first. The horror on his face when he sees Adam here could not be more clear. Gansey reaches for him – for his hand, because it’s easiest. ]

You can’t. It doesn’t want you. You can’t be here when it comes. Adam, you have to go. Go now, I don’t want you to see –

[He lets Gansey take his hand, because that also means he's caught ahold of Gansey. It means that he can be sure Gansey won't do something like run off on his own, or run into danger, or do anything that will bring him closer to death. Or Death. Adam puts himself firmly between them, though he faces neither, his deaf ear toward the figure following Gansey.]

I don't care if it wants me or not. I'm not going to let it have you.

[And that's Adam, stubborn as hell when he's set his mind on something, willing to do whatever it takes to achieve what must be done. What he thinks must be done. And in this case, he's certain, he's set his mind on this. He isn't going to back down.]

If you can't get away by running, then I'll stop it.

[ The figure keeps coming closer. As it does so, the world seems to blacken around them. Darkness is a palpable thing that reaches its tendrils towards them, and the creature that leads it is no earthly thing. Fear itself seems to radiate from it. It's difficult to look at, because darkness surrounds it like an aura, and yet there's something familiar about it too. Something about the ease of its stride, and the odor it gives off -

Or perhaps it would be more accurate to say that there's a lack of odor. It has no scent at all, nothing that marks it out. But it's as familiar as Gansey himself, because it has always been there. Fear spikes into his heart, and his pupils shrink as he stares at it. ]

You can't stop it. Adam, it's always coming. It always has been.

I'm running out of time.

[ He pulls, determinedly, at Adam's hand. If he has to die, he will be damned if he brings Adam down with him. it can't work that way.

It just can't. ]

[He's afraid - of course he's afraid. But he's more afraid for Gansey than for himself. There are plenty of times in his life Adam could have died - a careless blow from his father, a sacrifice that went wrong, power that was too much for him. But he's never felt the inevitability of death the way Gansey has. He's never had his life given back to him like that. Gansey's is life is far more fragile than his own, far more precious.]

Run, then. Get away, and I'll stop it. I'll at least give you some time.

[He looks at Gansey, lets go of his hand.]

We can change it. It doesn't have to end like that.

[He remembers choosing another card, refusing the fate that was laid out. He'll do it again and again if he has to, even if he's afraid.]

I'm not going to let you die.

[ Fear strikes in Gansey's heart. Adam doesn't understand. He can't understand, because this has never been his fear. It's always been Gansey's. That a life given was not owned, but only borrowed, and some day, he'll have to give it back again.

Of late, he's known that the 'some day' was not so very far in the future. What they face is real. He looks at Adam, his whole expression pleading. ]

You can't stop that. It's always been me, Adam.

It's always been my card.

[ He looks at the approaching figure, at the hooded embodiment of...of death, of fear, of so many things, but more than any of them, the embodiment of Fate. That's what the creature is. That's why it moves so inexorably towards them.

But it has another look, as well. A look very similar to the figure of Death on a tarot card, which had been drawn long ago in 300 Fox Way. This has always been my card.

Gansey's head shakes. There's fear on his face, always that, but it's coupled with sadness now. ]

You can't save me. This is the year I'm going to die.

[He goes still, then, and looks at Gansey. The figure of Death is, for the moment, a secondary concern. Maybe that isn't how it should be, but that's how it is, and even in a dream Adam feels half-frozen.]

How do you know?

[Adam should have told him already, of course. After what happened before - after that secret was shared with Gansey, and he was angry with Adam, and then when he came back to Hadriel he'd forgotten it all - well, Adam has been planning to tell Gansey since then. But things keep coming up, they had enough to deal with between Hadriel itself and Blue and Ronan and all the strange, tangled difficulties there.

There's just no easy way to start a conversation with your best friend about how he might die, about how it might be your fault. So Adam has put it off, but he was always intending to say something. But this - he doesn't know what to think.

This isn't real. But part of it must be. This is really Gansey.]

[ Gansey feels cold. He knows that it's not sensible to feel cold, because there isn't actually any temperature here. None of this is real. He keeps telling himself that. Sometimes when he repeats it to himself, he'll become certain of it in his dream, and then he'll wake up. No doubt, that's part of why insomnia had become such a problem for him as he'd gotten older.

He doesn't wake up now. Objectively, he knows the creature is still getting closer. The chill he feels in the air belongs to it, just as the darkness belongs to it. But for the moment, he finds himself fixed entirely on Adam, while a conversation that has no place here is forced to play out.

Gansey's expression is miserable, but set. He absolutely believes what he's saying. ]

Blue saw my spirit, that night. On St. Mark's Eve. She even told us about it.

It means this year is my last, Adam. Don't you understand?

[ Although he's not looking at it, he feels the weight of the creature bearing down on them. ]

It's been chasing me for seven years. I don't have long to wait. That's why you can't stop this. You have to go, before it...

[ Before the dream ends, as Gansey knows it will end. ]

You shouldn't have to see.

[He's focused entirely on Gansey. He knows the creature is there, but right now it's secondary, it just doesn't matter in comparison to what's right in front of him. Adam knows it does matter, really, that it might be the more important thing in this moment, but he can't make himself truly believe that.]

I know you were on her death list, but I didn't know you knew.

[His jaw is set, his thin shoulders tense. He stares down Gansey like he can change this all with the force of his will.]

I understand, but I don't agree. I'm not going to let it happen, Gansey, this isn't your fate. Or - fate can be changed. It doesn't have to be like this.

[What is Cabeswater worth, if it can't help him save Gansey? He had to make the sacrifice, to claim the ley line for them, but what use is that power if he can't use it to keep his friends safe, to keep Gansey safe? Since the beginning, he's wanted to find a way. Since the vision in the tree, and then again when he found out Gansey's name was on Blue's list. There has to be a way, and if there isn't, he'll make one.

And if he can't -]

You can't think we'll let you face this alone.

[ Her death list. Jesus, they both know what it means. Gansey had not quite computed that. For Blue to know, yes, that made sense, because of course her family would. She’s not stupid. But Adam? When had he made this connection? Why hadn’t he said anything about it?

But it’s a question Gansey doesn’t voice, because there isn’t any need. He already knows the answer. It’s the same reason why he hadn’t told his friends what he knew; they’d all been trying to protect each other. Foolishly. Unnecessarily.

Gansey knows why the creature is faceless. It’s because he doesn’t know how he’ll die. It could be any number of things, really. The sting of one bee would be enough. Or the touch of one kiss, from the right person. Or something else he can’t even imagine.

The darkness around them grows. There’s a sound that comes with the creature now, though it isn’t anything human. It’s grating, like metal dragging against rusted metal, and it’s rhythmic, like breath. Gansey’s pulse flickers with fear. He tries to fix on Adam. ]

But I have to. Your lives will go on. Every one of you has a future you’re planning.

My time was always borrowed. [ From Noah. They all know it. He swallows. ]

Adam, it’s not your fault.

[ You don’t have to see it, he thinks. The creature, bearing down on them, seems to disagree. Then, all at once, it stops, and fixes on Adam. Gansey doesn’t understand at first, but he will soon. This dream is powered by Fear. It’s stronger than it’s ever been, and the creature is a produce of that strength. It reaches up, and draws down its hood.

Adam Parrish’s face looks back at them, though his eyes are as formless and empty as the space in the creature’s hood had been. Gansey lets out a horrified sound, and rapidly shakes his head. ]

No, that isn’t right! It’s never--

It can’t do this!

Edited 2016-06-09 03:50 (UTC)

[He sees that face, and he feels frozen. Adam doesn't consider any other options but one, the one he's always been so terrified of: that it's him who carries Gansey's death with him, that somehow it'll be because of him. He's told himself over and over again that it won't be, that he'll change it, that he'll find some way to save Gansey. But maybe he can't. Maybe there isn't anything he can do.

He doesn't know what to do now. He doesn't know how to stop this, or whether being near Gansey only means that it's inevitable. There are a lot of things that Adam fears, but this is one of his greatest. Failing Gansey, letting something happen to him, being the cause of it. And not just that, but everything that would come from that. Who could forgive him if he did something like that? He wouldn't be able to forgive himself. Ronan would never speak to him, never even look at him again. Blue would be destroyed.

Adam's had so few friends in his life, so few people that he ever felt cared for him even a little. Gansey's death would destroy all of that in an instant, and Adam can't even think that it wouldn't be deserved.

Because maybe it is. Maybe this is what he deserves, no matter how he tries to fight it.]

Gansey.

[His voice is not strong. He wonders, for a moment, if perhaps this death could be coming for him instead - that would be better, as much as Adam doesn't want to die - but he's spent so long afraid of being the cause of Gansey's death that he can't really think it's possible.]

Go, okay? I'll stop it somehow. This is my responsibility.

[ Gansey stares at it. He's horrified. The creature has never had a face before, and he doesn't know why it has Adam's now. He can think, only, that it must be Fear's influence, that the dream is making this horror mirror someone who would only ever try to help. Gansey feels frozen at first.

The tremor in Adam's voice is what shakes him from it. He reaches suddenly, taking the other boy's hand. He doesn't care how unusual it is for them to touch at all. It doesn't matter. Adam is telling him to leave, and Gansey will not. He will not turn his back on his best friend. ]

No it's not. It's my dream. And you're my friend and I will not leave you to face this alone.

You are not...

You are not Adam Parrish, Army of One. I'm with you.

[ For its part, the creature doesn't seem overly concerned whether one stays or goes. It's imposing all the same. It's growing larger, and the darkness that comes from it is spreading, blotting out the other features of the dream. This creature brings oblivion in its wake. A true shudder runs through Gansey's body at the thought. ]

You don't have to stay. I know how it ends.

[He's surprised when Gansey takes his hand, but it's a distant sort of surprise, and he doesn't pull away. Right now, offering Gansey what little support he's able to is more important than caring - or even really noticing - the strangeness of holding his hand. Instead he just holds on, and squeezes once, an attempt at reassurance.]

You can't tell me that I'm not alone and then ask me to leave you alone.

[There's a trace of absolutely mundane exasperation in Adam's voice, all out of proportion and far too ordinary for the situation that they've found themselves in. It's dwarfed by the seriousness of it all, of course, but at the same time Adam can't help feeling the familiar prick of annoyance - as endearing as it is annoying, really.

He stands with Gansey, not moving an inch, not letting go of him.]

You don't need to face this by yourself, even if you know how it ends. I'll be with you. We all will.

[He doesn't know what will happen, here. They'll wake up, probably. This is a dream, as terrifying as it is, as much as it might feel real. But in real life - whenever it comes, Adam knows they won't let Gansey be alone for it. Even if he can't stop it, he can give him that.]

[ Gansey's heart wants to beat out of his chest.

He knows how this ends. He knows how it will end. He knows that he doesn't have long, but this dream is also ending differently than it normally does. Normally he runs, and keeps running, until it catches him in spite of that. He has never seen its face. He has never been aware of what's under the hood.

Now he's standing and facing it, his own death. All around them, the world is darkening. He doesn't look at the creature. He knows that it's wearing Adam's face, but he looks at the real Adam. ]

I didn't want you to see me like this. Adam, I don't want to die.

[ It feels like a confession, one whispered into the growing darkness. It's too late for that, though. The darkness is growing around them, surrounding them, until Gansey's eyes are forced away from the real Adam and made to look at the false one. It's the last thing he sees before darkness descends, wrapping him in oblivion, and somewhere along the way, his hand is pulled away from Adam's.

This is how Gansey imagines death - an absence of feeling and company, and the awareness of emptiness everywhere. He knows it wouldn't be like this. He wouldn't have the awareness, either. That, too, would fade. But it's the closest his mind can manage. The horror it causes in him is something Adam might feel, if he's still with him.

Gansey feels it only in the moment before he wakes; before his eyes force themselves open and he sits up, breathing hard, and gripping the sides of the couch firmly to remind him where he is. ]

[The last thing he sees in the dream is Gansey's face, looking at that other Adam - at Death - and the loneliness and fear in his eyes. It's a nightmare, and waking from it is a relief. He knows it wasn't real, he knows they're both safe, but his chest tightens anyway. Fear dries his throat. He's frozen for a long moment, some part of him afraid that moving might make it real.

But he has to move. He has to, at least, check on Gansey. He knows Gansey is fine, he knows these dreams can't kill them, can't even hurt them, but - but what if they could. Back home, Ronan's dreams almost killed him. How can he be sure that something like that won't happen here?

So he's up and heading to the door before he can think about it. Before he can second-guess himself, or remember that Gansey almost certainly doesn't want to see his face right now. He at least remembers to try to be quiet. The house is full, Ronan is right next door and hardly sleeps, and Adam doesn't want anyone else to wake up because of this. He goes out to the living room, leaving his door open behind him.]

Gansey?

[His voice is soft, almost a whisper. Gansey could be asleep. It's not impossible.]

[ Gansey is not asleep. He had been, he’d been very deeply asleep. The gods have very helpfully cured his insomnia. Not so helpfully, they’ve been reminding him of the reason he’d become an insomniac in the first place.

He’s still lying down on the couch, his hands crossed over his chest like his heart isn’t thundering away inside it. His eyes are wide open, though mostly unseeing.

Then Adam is there. Gansey sits up, sees the blurred form of him across the room, and moves his blanketed feet to the floor so that there’s space on the couch. He also grabs his glasses, and blinks the dream away.

He should’ve known Adam would come. He feels no kind of fear at seeing him; instead, there’s only guilt, at the knowledge that he’d dragged him into that terrible thing. Adam was never supposed to see this side of Gansey. None of them were. ]

Hi. Christ, that was real, wasn’t it?

[ ’You were really there’, he means. ]

I’m so sorry, Adam.

[He crosses the space between them, hesitating for a moment before sitting on the couch. Gansey seems fine, which soothes some of his worry, but it doesn't take away his guilt.]

You have nothing to apologize for. You didn't -

[He stops himself. They both said a lot already, in the dream, and Adam is inclined to just leave it at that. Why bring up tender subjects, why make things awkward? He shouldn't even have come out of his room. He should have waited until the morning, when they both could have pretended that nothing happened.

But he's here now. He can't pretend.

He looks at his hands, folded together in his lap.]

It was just a dream, but I guess it was real. I'm sorry I didn't say anything to you before. About - your name on the list.

[ For a moment, Gansey thinks, what list? It comes back to him in stages, the memory of sitting in Blue's kitchen while she explained to them that her family kept a list of all the people whose spirits they'd seen on St Mark's Eve. Thinking of it now, he thinks that even then, he'd understood that his name must be on that list. He had understood a lot that he'd never clarified to his friends. That was probably unfair.

No. That was definitely unfair.

A long sigh leaves him. He leans forward a little, bumping his shoulder against Adam's. He isn't sure how Adam found out or when, but admittedly, he isn't very surprised. Adam is the smartest person he knows, and then some. If anyone was going to calculate that out, it would be him. And then, of course, he'd carried it like the burden it was, on shoulders that didn't deserve the extra weight. Blue had probably done the same. A smile quirks wryly at his lips. ]

You've nothing to apologise for. I knew. I knew since...since that night, when I recorded my own voice. St Mark's Eve. A spirit that appears that night is only there for one reason.

I just didn't want to tell any of you. I didn't want to face it at first, and then when I did, it didn't seem right to make you all face it.

It should've occurred to me that you'd already know. Blue does too, I suppose. And Ronan.

[He wishes hearing that weren't a relief, but it is. Adam doesn't want Gansey to have had his death hanging over him like that - he wouldn't wish that on anyone he cared about, especially not Gansey. But, selfishly, he's relieved that Gansey isn't blaming him, that he isn't getting angry. Adam didn't keep it from him on purpose, not this time - there was just never a good moment to tell him. Not with everything that's always happening here.

But now it's out there.]

Blue knew. I don't think she was going to tell anyone, but I guessed. Ronan didn't know until I told him recently.

[Which is to say, it's not Ronan's fault Gansey doesn't know. He was in the dark too, for most of the time, and since then Adam is pretty sure he hasn't said anything because he knows it should be Adam's responsibility. And that's right, that's how it should be.

He straightens up a little, turns toward Gansey, quietly earnest.]

I should have said something sooner. But, Gansey - we're going to find a way to stop it. I know you think it's inevitable, but none of us are going to stand by and let you die.

[ So Ronan had only known recently. Gansey finds himself glad about that. At least one of their friends hadn't spent months dealing with this burden. He doesn't feel happy that any of them were dealing with it. It doesn't feel like something that they should have to upset themselves over.

That's not realistic, though, and he knows it's not. He knows how he would feel if one of their lives was in danger. He knows because he's felt it before, when Ronan had been so close to death after the night horror had attacked him. For months, Gansey had thought that Ronan genuinely wanted to die, and he'd lived in fear every time his friend had disappeared. Now, he knows that things were not quite what he'd thought. His fear had been real, though.

And now they all feel it too, for him.

He sighs, while guilt tugs at his heart. ]

I don't want it to be inevitable. I'd be very happy to believe otherwise, I promise you.

But...we know this happens, Adam. It's already happened. Blue already saw my spirit. I don't think it's as simple as it not having happened yet, that's only our perception of it. How are we supposed to stop something that Blue has already seen to happen?

[He knows that Gansey has a point. He knows there really might not be any way to change things, that it might be inevitable, that they're going to lose him no matter what they do. Adam knows all that.

He just refuses to accept it. He can accept that it's a possibility, but even so, he can't lay down and give up. And is that any surprise, really? Has Adam Parrish ever been the type to lay down and give up? Of course not. He'll work himself to the bone for what he thinks is necessary, he'll make dangerous bargains and sacrifice himself and go to great lengths. This is no different than school, or getting out of the trailer, or making his own future - if anything, it's more important. It's Gansey's life.

He doesn't know how to make Gansey understand that. He's not sure it's possible.]

Just because Blue saw you, or because they put your name on the list, that doesn't mean it has to happen. We can change things. I mean - come on. Ronan can dream things into existence, I can talk to a magical forest, Noah is a walking ghost. None of that should be possible. Why can't this be, too?

[ Gansey looks at Adam with a strange kind of fondness. There have been so many times in the past when they would have been on the other side of this argument; Adam, holding to reason and caution and skepticism, and Gansey, talking of hope and uncertainties and possibilities.

Things have changed. Things have almost reversed. That doesn't mean it's not nice to hear Adam's hope. Gansey smiles at him, though it's a sad smile. ]

I think that I've been running away from my future for a long time, and at some point I have to stop running.

I'd like you to be right. I think if anyone could change this, it would be my friends. My Magicians. Even magic has its limits, though, Adam. If this isn't something that can be changed, I won't blame you. You have to know that.

[Gansey won't blame him, but Adam thinks he'll probably blame himself. Especially if the vision he saw in the tree is true - if it's his fault somehow. How could he forgive himself for something like that? He has to believe it's possible to stop it, to change it. Anything less is unacceptable.]

Sure. Stop running. Stand and fight instead. I'm not going to just stand by and let death have you.

[There's some ferocity in Adam's words. He pauses then, takes a breath and calms himself.]

I don't want you to act like it's unavoidable. Like there's nothing anyone can do. Even if it does happen, you don't need to embrace it. We can't lose you, Gansey.

[He thinks that Gansey must know that, on some level. Ronan is only alive because of him. Adam could be dead too, if things had gone differently. He's not going repay that by simply accepting Gansey's inevitable death.]

[ Gansey looks at him. He appreciates what Adam is saying. He appreciates it more than he can possibly make clear; his friends care for him, and he knows they do. Gansey is someone who constantly doubts his own worth in the eyes of other people. He's always afraid that they're going to walk away from him, that they'll slip out of his grasp. That's why he tries to hold them so tightly, which honestly can do more harm than good.

But there might come a time when he can't hold them anymore. That's something he thinks he's beginning to accept.

He doesn't know how to make them accept it too. He never wanted them to have to, not until after the fact. ]

But you might have to, Adam. There may not be any other way, and if there isn't, then I need to know you'll help each other.

You and Ronan. You're strong together, aren't you? You can be there for each other. And you have to make sure that Blue doesn't blame herself, after what she saw. It isn't her fault. You'll make sure she knows that, won't you?

[ You'll hold them together when I can't, won't you? ]

[He feels cold. He knows what Gansey is asking, and it's only what Adam has already tried to do. Gansey died once before, and Adam knows he doesn't remember that, and he thinks that's for the best. But after - Adam tried to keep everything together, tried to be the strong one, and it mostly worked. But when Gansey disappeared, when he went home, Adam tried again. It didn't work that time.

He doesn't know anymore if it would or not. If he could manage it. He'll try, of course - he can't do anything else. He'll try to lock away his own distress and keep Ronan level, make sure Blue doesn't blame herself, take care of Noah and whatever else he has to do. But how can he know if he'll be able to? How can he know if it will make any difference at all?

He's not Gansey. He has never been that sort of person, the kind who can be loved and followed so easily. He's only Adam Parrish, unlovable and too distant and cold to be a leader. He can't take Gansey's place, all he could ever do is try to hold things together and try not to shatter.

But he can't say no.]

Of course I will. I'll do everything I can. I'm not going to abandon them.

[That was never in question.]

But I'm not going to abandon you, either. I'm going to find a way.

[ Gansey holds his gaze steadily. He knows what he's asking, or at least he thinks he does. In truth, he only knows the barest part of it; that his friends had fallen apart when he'd gone home, before he came back here without memories. That he'd gotten here to find Noah a faded ghost, and Ronan and Adam at breaking point with each other. That's what he doesn't want for them. He wants them to support each other without him, because they need each other.

Adam's promise relaxes him. He nods, and leans back. ]

If anyone can, I think it will be you.

[ That gets a little smile. A genuine one, although it's sad. ]

You're always the man with the ideas. It's not that I don't believe in you. I'm just...preparing for the worst. I think I'd be a fool not to.

Event Log: Dreamwalker

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please tell me if this isn't okay! i'm happy to change

augh this is perfect, my heart

cries :<

no :c :c :c

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