hadriel_logs | Step, step right over the line

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Step, step right over the line

Who: Noah and Gansey at first, later Ronan and Adam as well(?)
What: After roughly six months of hiding it from him, Noah's the one to tell Gansey about what he has waiting for him back in Henrietta.
Where: Raven Haus
When: 11/15 Evening
Warnings: Spoilers for The Raven Cycle so far.

Normally when Noah went to Gansey's room after they tucked in to bed he'd wait at least an hour first. Same with Gansey seeking Noah out. There was attempts to spend the nights alone rather than the comfort of company.

Noah couldn't stop thinking about it, though. Ever since he was talking to Bruce about Ronan being homesick. They'd been away from home for about six months now, give or take. Gansey only had... eight. At most. If the Technicians from before were to be believed, he still had all his time waiting for him when they returned to Henrietta, but it still weighted on Noah's mind for the last couple weeks.

Someone had to tell him. Neither Ronan nor Adam were going to.

Giving bad news made him sick inside, but Gansey deserved to know.

It was heavy material to think over when brushing teeth right before bed. Noah used the rest of the time to steel his will about it, not that he had much to be steeled. He couldn't wait, he'd chicken out if he did. Instead of turning the bathroom light off and heading to his room to at least try to sleep alone, he went to Gansey's door instead and knocked on it.

"Gansey? Um, are you still awake?" Noah called. It was probably a stupid question but ... it was possible the insomniac could have fallen right asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow tonight.

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Maybe. Maybe it was selfish for Adam to want to keep it from him. But there's more to it, there's things he hasn't told anyone, and he struggles for a moment to find some way to explain, to justify. There isn't really one, not unless he's honest, and he's not sure he's ready for that.

But then, Gansey has already turned away from him. If Adam were somebody else, maybe he'd stop at that, willing to keep all his secrets in order to keep Ronan from turning away too. But he's not, he's Adam Parrish, and if everything is going to come crashing down, he'd rather it happen because he chooses it. So maybe it's time to be honest, before anything goes too far.

"I didn't want him to know. He shouldn't have known, I should have been able to prevent it and none of that would have mattered." He takes a breath, looks at Ronan. "It's going to be my fault. I saw it. That's why I can stop it."

That gets his attention. Ronan jerks his gaze up sharply, meeting Adam's eyes- startled, though he tries not to show it. But Adam looks convinced, like he's so sure, and Ronan doesn't know what to think. There's no way that Adam would kill Gansey- he may doubt himself, Gansey may doubt him, but Ronan knows his loyalty. He wouldn't hurt him, let alone kill him. Not for riches, not for a way out- not for anything.

But he didn't say I kill him. He said it's going to be my fault. And so Ronan takes a step forward, closer to Adam so he can whisper harshly through his teeth and they have less chance of being overheard.

"...what the fuck are you talking about, Parrish?"

He wants to look away, but he doesn't. He needs Ronan to understand, to believe him, and he also has no desire to ever talk about this again if he can avoid it. He hasn't told anyone. Not a soul. He doesn't want to be telling Ronan this now, but - he needs to. He needs to have it out there, so Ronan, at least, can understand why Adam so desperately didn't want Gansey to know.

"Do you remember the tree, in Cabeswater? The one you wouldn't go in? I saw a vision in there. I saw Gansey, dead, and it was my fault -"

And Ronan hated him for it, Ronan knew it was all his fault and he rightfully hated Adam because of it. He takes a breath, steadies himself, though his voice is still tight and full of stress.

"But if it's my fault, that means I can stop it. That means his name on the list doesn't mean anything, because I'm not going to allow him to come to harm, especially not because of me. I would never do that. Never."

The look he gives Adam could most accurately be described as measuring. He knows that Adam doesn't have the same aversion to lying as he does, but what reason would there be to lie about causing Gansey's death? It clearly weighs heavily on him and he's obviously devoted to stopping it, but how will they know what it is that kills him?

Ronan's belief was unshakable minutes ago, when Gansey was yelling what if, it was unshakable months ago, when he'd first vowed to protect him, but now- now he can feel it wavering. If it happens (it won't happen, it can't happen, they'll stop it-) then it will be Adam's fault. Blue's family already predicted it, Adam saw it in the tree, everything seems to be lining up to one horrific solution.

How do they save Gansey when they don't know how he'll die? How will Adam know what to do? What would it take to protect- fuck- to protect Gansey from Adam?

"I know you wouldn't."

His words are hollow, distracted in the light of this new information. He presses his lips tight together, tries not to think about the obvious question, tries not to give it a moment, tries to put his mind on anything but that- but what if-

What if there was only one way to save Gansey? What would he do if death was the inevitable conclusion, if it came down between the person he was devoted to or the person he-

"How... " his voice cracks and Ronan almost winces at the sound. He swallows past the dryness in his throat and tries again. "-how did it happen? In your vision."

That look - he expected it, but it still makes the pit of his stomach twist. Ronan's faith in Gansey is unshakable, but in Adam? Adam can't really blame anyone for doubting. Especially not when Ronan knows it'll be his fault now.

"It didn't show me. I only saw - after. But I know it was my fault."

Are you happy now, Adam? Is this what you wanted? Only he's heard those words from Ronan's lips, and it wasn't Gansey's body that was on the ground then. He doesn't know what it means, what it could possibly mean, he only knows that he can't take anything for granted. If it was because of him, then he has to do everything in his power to keep it from happening. Whatever it takes.

"The favor - that's what we need it for. What I need it for."

Not to get out. He doesn't need that anymore, it's not so important. He can claw his way out of Henrietta himself. Gansey's life, that's far more valuable than Adam's future, any way you measure it.

He looks at Ronan, feeling cold, feeling distant. He knows what Gansey is to Ronan. What Gansey is to both of them. Would he turn away, if it were Ronan saying this to him instead? He doesn't know. After everything, he doesn't think so, but Ronan has always been different.

"I'll stop it. I swear."

Or he'll die trying, maybe.

If Adam doesn't know how it happens, then it's pointless. How can they fight something like this when they don't even know what form it will take? He believes Adam when he says that he'll stop it, but Ronan doesn't know how, and that in itself is terrifying.

But Adam promises him that he'll fix it somehow, and it's hard to doubt him- even though he knows that Adam lies sometimes, that Adam's jealousy can lead him to rashness and anger- he can't believe that Adam wouldn't stop at nothing to save Gansey.

He still wavers, but in the end, when Ronan makes a decision, he makes it. Adam has to get to Glendower, has to ask for the favor, has to save Gansey. He will- it's the best shot they have right now, he thinks, and if anybody can push through on sheer grit and determination alone, it's Adam. So Ronan nods, his jaw tight, resolute.

"I believe you."

His shoulders, tense as a bowstring, relax just a little when he hears that. Gansey might doubt him, and Ronan probably does too, but Adam knows that if Ronan backs him he does it with all of himself. Doubt or no, if he's decided he believes Adam, that's that.

And he knows, too, that if he fails - it's unthinkable, but if it happens, Ronan will be there. Ronan's loyalty to Gansey is unwavering, and he'll make the right choice if it comes down to it. Adam doesn't think there is anything that could possibly turn him against Gansey, not like that - but he doesn't know everything that exists out there. And it might be something else, an accident, a mistake. Either way, Ronan will be there to stop it if Adam isn't able to.

"Please don't tell him." Adam looks away, at that. It's not fair to ask Ronan to lie for him again, but - "He already distrusts me enough. He doesn't need another reason."

It's selfish, really. Adam already feels like Gansey has put distance between them. He doesn't know why, and he doesn't know if there's anything he can do about it, especially not after this. But he can at least try not to make it even worse. He can at least try not to give Gansey another reason to step away from him.

Ronan's brows furrow a little- and it isn't fair. As much as this is Adam's secret and not his own, it's not fair to ask this of him again, not fair for them to both keep the details of Gansey's death from him.

But what would it accomplish? Adam is right, Gansey already seems prepared to turn on him, and this would doubtlessly tip him over the edge. Ronan can understand why, too- if he was told that someone would cause his death, he likely wouldn't be able to look at them the same. But this is Adam, and Ronan can't believe that he harbors any sort of ill will toward Gansey, despite their fighting.

He looks to the stairs where Gansey had disappeared off to, and then back to Adam, his eyes dark, shoulders drawn up tight.

"If he dies because we don't warn him..." -but there's no real followup to that, because Ronan would never threaten Adam, not even over something like this. He shakes his head in the end, continuing with a low tone.

"...just save him. I won't say anything."

He looks at Ronan, uncertain for a moment. If he loses Gansey - to death, or because Gansey decides he isn't worth trusting anymore, isn't worth staying close to - then he'll lose Ronan too. He knows that. And he doesn't want that, he doesn't want to lose everything because of a mistake.

His fingers tense, tighten.

"Warn him, then." His voice is quiet, but the words are abrupt, Adam forcing them out before he can stop himself. "Warn him, so that - so he can watch me, so he'll be ready if anything happens. You can't be the only one who knows. It shouldn't be on you."

It shouldn't be on Ronan's shoulders to have to watch Adam and decide if he's a traitor. It shouldn't be on Gansey's, either - none of this should be what it is. Adam doesn't doubt himself, not like that, his loyalty is unshaken and he cannot imagine a world in which it would shatter far enough to put Gansey in danger.

But maybe Ronan can. Maybe Gansey can. Maybe Adam shouldn't be so certain, so determined. Maybe he should accept that he could be flawed on some basic level, in some way that he can't see but that someone else might be able to. Maybe it's safer if they both know that it might turn out to be all his fault.

"I'll save him. I will. But - just in case."

"Jesus, I'm not going to- just- "

Ronan rubs a hand over his head, brushing at the stubble of his hair. He turns, paces a few steps away and exhales- clearly frustrated, clearly not knowing what to do. Ronan isn't the person who can make these sorts of decisions, he isn't the person who can plan and know how people will react. He just does- sometimes he does what he's told, sometimes he does what he wants. Thinking about other people like this doesn't come easy to him.

Still. He paces back, restless, and closes the distance between the two of them again, lifting an arm to poke his index finger against Adam's sternum. When he speaks, his sentences are clipped, his words short. He's trying to keep his calm, he's been trying, but Gansey dying, Adam being the cause of it, Adam knowing, carrying that- Jesus, Gansey dying at eighteen- can anyone really blame him for getting agitated?

"You're not gonna fucking kill him. You love him. You put up with me for a goddamn year because of Gansey. So here's what's going to happen: I'm not saying shit to him. You shouldn't either. When we go back, we go to Cabeswater. We find the tree, we find Glendower, we find Blue's crazy fucking family- whatever it takes. We figure out how this happens. And then you and I stop it."

He doesn't move back when Ronan gets close, though he's not sure what to expect. Ronan's agitation is clear, and Adam can't fault him for it, not when he's just as shaken and confused. He doesn't want Gansey to know, doesn't want someone else to have a reason to doubt him, but - isn't it better to have more people watching him? Is Adam's desire to be trusted more important than Gansey's life? Of course not. It could never be.

But that's not all it is. He has to believe that he's going to stop it, and so does Ronan. They have to believe in each other, otherwise they're definitely going to fail, and then where will they be? And how can Adam continue on, knowing that Gansey will look at him and see someone who might betray him in the worst of ways?

He nods, a little jerky. Ronan is right. That's what they need to do, to keep Gansey safe and to keep themselves believing that it's possible.

"Okay."

It's true, really. The basic, essential meaning of it is true.

"We've done a lot of things that shouldn't be possible. And this - we'll do it. We'll keep him safe. We'll get the favor and - we'll fix this."

He's not sure whether he's trying to convince himself or Ronan. Adam's belief has been shaken, more than he'd like it to have been, but that doesn't change anything. He'll still do this. He has to. There's no other choice.

"Good."

That Adam is listening to him, that Adam is acknowledging what he's saying, even if he doesn't quite believe it. It's alright, because Ronan believes it- he has to. If he doesn't, then this whole thing crumbles. It feels shaky right there, in the dark of the hall between the two of them, but he knows that they don't have another choice. This is what needs to be done. They'll do it.

He shakes his head, backs off a step or two, and exhales heavy through his nose, his mouth drawn in a tight frown. He's not good at this, but he tries, because the alternative is letting them all fall apart. The important thing here is that they made a plan. They know what they're going to do. Adam will probably make it better once he thinks it over, but even to Ronan's reckless, act-first sort of mindset, it seems solid enough.

Fuck, he is tired of thinking about this. It makes him want to hit something, to get drunk like he used to get drunk. It's not a choice he can make right now, but the impulse is there anyway. He tamps it down, swallows hard.

"I'm going to bed. You should too."

"Yeah."

He's not sure he'll be able to sleep, but he isn't going to say that to Ronan, who after all has far more trouble with that than Adam does. He wishes recklessly that things were different, that he could ask Ronan to stay with him, because he knows that being alone with his thoughts is going to be - difficult. Frustrating. It's not that Adam wants anything besides company. He just misses the days when Ronan would sleep - or not sleep - on his floor, the cramped apartment above St Agnes paradoxically seeming a little bigger with him in it. They didn't talk much, mostly, but having a real person there instead of just Cabeswater's ghosts - well, it helped.

But he never asked that of Ronan then, and he especially can't now, with all that's between them. It would be the height of selfishness. And it's fine if Adam can't sleep. He has to plan, even if there's nothing they can do here, even if they might never get home. He has to make every plan that he can, to be sure that Gansey will be safe. Sleep will be a necessary casualty, until he exhausts himself too much to stay awake.

He doesn't like that any of this happened. But Ronan hasn't turned away from him, even if Gansey did, and Adam's goals haven't changed. Gansey might be angry, he might not trust Adam anymore, but Adam is going to keep him safe anyway. It's not a heroic impulse, not a kind one. It's pure stubbornness, probably, but that's fine.

"Thanks."

He doubts Ronan wants to hear that, and it feels awkward to say it, but - it needs to be said.

Ronan brushes off the thanks with a shrug and looks away. There's still more to deal with- Gansey is still angry and Noah is still responsible and Adam is still going to worry over what will or won't happen, but for now- there's nothing else they can do but lay in separate corners of the house and pretend to sleep.

So he leaves, opening his door and slamming it shut because, to Ronan, slamming a door might as well be a punctuation mark at the end of a conversation- and this conversatin requires a particularly loud mark, even if he's not exactly angry with Adam. Besides, it can't wake anyone up if nobody is asleep, and if nothing else, at least Gansey upstairs can know that they're not talking shit anymore.

Chainsaw croons softly, a calming sort of noise, but Ronan ignores it. He hasn't slept in the same room as Adam since the last train car, when he'd crashed down on the floor near his bed. They'd all lived in the same house since then- being next to him when he might as well just be a room or two over seemed excessive, more invasive than visiting the tiny apartment above the church somehow, and so he hadn't. He doesn't now.

Instead, he flops backward into his bed, digging his palms into his eyes with a groan. Chainsaw flutters up to the bedpost and he ignores that too.

It's going to be a long night.

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Step, step right over the line

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