every moment points toward the aftermath

[greywaren]

Who: Ronan Lynch (greywaren), Adam Parrish (unknowable), Noah (casperdisaster)
What: Gansey leaves the city. The other boys react poorly because they have terrible coping methods.
Where: Ravenhouse
When: End of December!
Warnings: General blanket warning for Ronan. Cursing, fighting, maybe references to some rough stuff. Some spoilers for the series!

[Ronan stares at the front door of the strange, spiraled house that all four of the boys from Aglionby share.

He's still, quiet as he looks at it. It's quaint, really- the door has only been kicked in a few times (by him) and has barely any boot smudges. There's a trail that leads up to it, windows still mostly clean as they peer out onto the street below. In the bright artificial light of the afternoon, it could look almost cheery.

The window on the top right is Gansey's. Was Gansey's.

Ronan exhales, berating himself for thinking like that already. Christ, it's not like Gansey is dead (but he is, Ronan's mind argues, or he will be), he just went home. Maybe. Or- or fuck, maybe he is dead. What do they really know about this stupid Door? Ronan has seen Gansey die a hundred times in his dreams, and despite it actually happening in some reality or another, it never felt quite as real as this. The loss of him. The lack.

What the fuck are they going to do now? He needs a drink. He needs something to hit- or a car to pull back and let loose in, or something worse to do. Ronan's jaw goes tight as he tries to imagine a world without Gansey and finds that he can't, it's an impossible thought. Losing him temporarily almost killed them all once. How can they lose him for real this time? There's nobody to lead them or tell them what to do or laugh and stumble into his room at three am- nobody to try to mitigate fights or playfully knock around.

Nobody to pull any of the three of them away from their respective edges.

Fuck. Ronan rubs the heel of his palms into his eyes, before tightening his jaw and just committing to it. Hammer it in. Gansey is gone. It's not visceral and bloody like Niall, not sudden and still like Persephone, not vague and present like Noah- he was just here and now he's not, and there's no body to bury and there's no fucking church for a ceremony and there's no goddamn warning.

He moves suddenly, his body jerking into motion like he's been electrocuted. No sense delaying this. No sense doing anything at all except delivering the truth and then- he doesn't know. He still has some alcohol, and he knows that he can steal some of Noah's without any complaint. Find the Demon for round two. Find Nick for round two. Fuck, find Cashmere for round two. Doesn't matter.

Ronan slams the door open, not bothering to close it or really look at anyone else in the room as he shucks his jacket off and throws it toward one of the chairs. It misses by a good margin and lands on the floor, but Ronan doesn't notice or care.]

He's gone.

[His words are firm and loud and Ronan's fingers tighten into fists as he delivers the news.]

I looked everywhere. He fucking left.

Comments

[unknowable]

[He watches the things come crashing down, and he doesn't flinch, his anger only growing, a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach. He wants to scream or cry but it only comes out as words, because he can't fall apart, because he wouldn't be able to put himself back together.]

I'm sorry I can't just dream up whatever we need, I'm sorry I have to scour the damn city for food and clothes and whatever else. I'm sorry I'm not as useful as you - or I guess I'm only useful when you want someone to blame for shit.

[His fists clench, but he doesn't move, and he takes a long breath, hoping it will help him center himself, hoping it'll calm him down. It doesn't. Normally Adam is oddly happy when Ronan asks things of him - normally he knows that's what he can contribute, that's what he's good for, and he finds himself grateful for it, because in a lot of ways he isn't good for anything.

But then it becomes this, then Ronan needs someone to dump his problems on, someone to be the scapegoat when things go wrong. Because Adam couldn't save Gansey, because Ronan believed in him and Adam let him down, and yeah, it's Adam's fault, but this isn't the first time, why does Ronan ever believe in him at all when all Adam can do is fail him? He hasn't had a success since Greenmantle.

But then, he supposes Ronan has shit-all but this. And how pathetic is that, nothing to rely on but a piece of trash from a trailer park who thinks he's better than he is? No wonder Ronan's angry. Gansey's gone, and Adam will never be an adequate replacement.]

Do whatever the hell you want, Lynch. You always have. I'm just your backup when you don't have any other options. That's always what I have been, right?

[He moves then, almost about to kick the pan on the ground, but he stops himself. God, it would be so satisfying, but he can't, he knows he can't, it's too easy to go down that slippery slope. One mistake and that's it.]

I can't fix it, okay? I can't bring him back. I don't even know how this place works, I don't know if he's safe at home or if he's just gone. So get pissed if you want, smash everything in the house, there's fucking nothing I can do to fix this for you.

[greywaren]

You're not a backup, [Ronan growls, and as much as it's a reassurance, it's said like his other words, angrily and in a tone that's clear that he's unwilling to budge on it.

He's not going to spend this fight trying to convince Adam of his worth- it's just not going to happen. Adam is going to think shit of himself and he's going to project that on Ronan and he's going to hate himself for some imagined slight or another and Ronan can't stop whatever is in his head, and now he doesn't have the energy to even try and combat it, with everything else. With Gansey being gone. The least he can do is to remove his own part in it, spit out the words that Adam is trying to put in his mouth in between the points he's trying to make.

Which, honestly, Ronan isn't even sure what they are anymore. Adam can't fix it. Adam has given up. He wanted to save him and he said he would do it and he promised he'd try and this is the end of it. If Adam says that there are no straws worth grasping at, even the bad ones, even to save Gansey, then there aren't any.

Ronan finds himself believing him, against his own will. Gut reaction. He can't help but to take Adam's word as gospel, even if he doesn't want to.]

But fine. Fuck it. Fuck Dick Gansey, right?

[Back in the kitchen, then. Ronan keeps most of his liquor in his room, and he knows that Noah does the same, but Gansey has a bottle of something or other hidden in the pantry behind the syrup and spices and Ronan finds it in a moment, knocking the other shit aside, not even bothering to react as they hit the ground.]

The fuck has he ever done for us? [Ronan is talking- sort of to himself now, still sort of to Adam, angry mumbling as he shoves the liquor in one of the smaller bags they use to carry canned goods from the shops back to the house.] You think that if it were you or me gone, he'd stop at nothing to find us? Fuck no, right? He'd probably just sit in that damn chair, say that it's pointless, and give the fuck up. He'd just get fucking blitzed, right?

[The liquor is stashed, and Ronan has some semblance of thought to grab a couple haphazard food items- an energy bar, a bag of chips, a jar of peanut butter- and shoves them in the bag too, before throwing it over his shoulder.]

What a shitty guy. What a fucking asshole.

[unknowable]

[It infuriates him, hearing those words out of Ronan's mouth, like that's what Adam thinks, like Adam is giving up on Gansey, like he doesn't know that Gansey would try. But what could Gansey try? What can they try? Why is Adam expected to come up with some kind of miraculous plan to fix everything when they both know it's not possible? He was set up for failure from the beginning. All he can do is let Ronan down.]

Shut up. You're so full of shit.

[His voice is tight. He watches Ronan shove his bag full of things, obviously planning to leave, and he's not surprised, he knows it's probably for the best, he knows they'll just keep fighting, but there's a surprising sense of loss anyway. Gansey's gone, Noah's dead and can barely stay around sometimes, aren't they all that's left? Isn't he all that Ronan's got, right now?

It's not enough, he knows that, it could never be enough. And they'd only scratch and claw at each other, they'd fight and take out their anger and pain and it would all be so much worse, but still - still.

Gansey's gone and Noah's half-gone and Ronan's leaving, and there's nothing Adam can do to fix any of it.]

There's nothing I can do that would satisfy you, is there? You want me to promise to find a way when you know just as well as I do that there isn't one. You want me to lie to you so you'll feel better, so you'll have something to blame when I can't do it. I'm not going to.

[And he's not going to say anything to try to stop Ronan from leaving, either, even if it hurts, even if he hates it. Because Ronan will leave either way, and Adam isn't going to make some pathetic fool out of himself. Logically he knows it's for the best. Emotionally - well, Adam's emotions have never listened to him.]

Fuck you.

[greywaren]

[Ronan shoulders past Adam on his way to the door, he keeps his jaw tight, teeth clenched hard. He doesn't know who he's blaming anymore- Adam, or himself, or Gansey, or any of the other factors at play here. All he knows is that it hurts, and he has no system in control for how to process the pain when it feels like exploding out of him in every direction, like the shrapnel pieces of it would shatter the windows, dent the walls, lacerate Adam's skin.

He stops with his back to Adam at the final few words, one hand on the bag, keeping it up on his shoulder, the other down by his side, fingers so tight that his nails cut into his palms, his knuckles are white, his hand is practically trembling with the tension of it.

There are very logical reasons why he's storming out in the middle of this fight. He can't stay here, not where he'll clash with Adam endlessly about this, not where he'll get frustrated and yell at Noah for not being able to stay, not where Gansey's bedroom is just up the stairs, not where he can't drink himself into a stupor and destroy something without one of his friends breathing down his neck. Fighting with Adam now just solidifies his reasons- they're both burning too hot, too angry, and unlike so many of the other times that they fight, they have no mediator, no one to pull them off of one another when it gets too far.

Adam is probably right about Ronan wanting to blame him. He's not sure- he isn't thinking this through to manipulate anything, it just hurts, and he wanted something, a glimmer of hope, anything to latch onto and work toward. Maybe he didn't want that, though- Ronan has never been one for platitudes, but this is important, this is too much, and if he didn't want a reassurance then it makes sense that he'd want something to yell at and it makes sense that Adam would be able to know him almost better than he knows himself. Even when he's spiraling like this- maybe especially then.

But he can't whittle his claws and teeth down on Adam, not when he knows truly that the other boy doesn't deserve it. This has been bad enough, they're both reeling and wounded just from this, and he has to go, at least for tonight, at least for long enough to get trashed and stop thinking for awhile.

He turns back for a moment, the room still static with the energy behind Adam's curse, the finality of it. Fuck you hangs in the air, alongside all the messy, nasty things that Ronan said. He's not interested in having the last word, and he realizes suddenly that there's nothing he can really say to argue, anyway. Nothing that hasn't already been said.

Ronan meets Adam's eyes for a moment, brow furrowed in a look of hawkish anger, mouth tight, fist still trembling. This is how they're ending this.

He thinks that maybe he sees something else in Adam's expression. A frisson of weakness, like he was going to say something different, like he wanted to say something different- but instead, it's just this. Ronan doesn't know what could have been different. There's no place for weakness here, so he doesn't let himself give Adam that chance.

In the end, there's nothing else to do but leave. Ronan turns back to the entryway with a low, frustrated growl and storms out without another word, slamming the door behind him.]