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hadriel_logs2015-12-30 09:19 pm
greywaren) wrote in hadriel_logs2015-12-30 09:19 pm
Entry tags:
every moment points toward the aftermath
Who: Ronan Lynch (greywaren), Adam Parrish (unknowable), Noah (casperdisaster)
What: Gansey leaves the city. The other boys react poorly because they have terrible coping methods.
Where: Ravenhouse
When: End of December!
Warnings: General blanket warning for Ronan. Cursing, fighting, maybe references to some rough stuff. Some spoilers for the series!
[Ronan stares at the front door of the strange, spiraled house that all four of the boys from Aglionby share.
He's still, quiet as he looks at it. It's quaint, really- the door has only been kicked in a few times (by him) and has barely any boot smudges. There's a trail that leads up to it, windows still mostly clean as they peer out onto the street below. In the bright artificial light of the afternoon, it could look almost cheery.
The window on the top right is Gansey's. Was Gansey's.
Ronan exhales, berating himself for thinking like that already. Christ, it's not like Gansey is dead (but he is, Ronan's mind argues, or he will be), he just went home. Maybe. Or- or fuck, maybe he is dead. What do they really know about this stupid Door? Ronan has seen Gansey die a hundred times in his dreams, and despite it actually happening in some reality or another, it never felt quite as real as this. The loss of him. The lack.
What the fuck are they going to do now? He needs a drink. He needs something to hit- or a car to pull back and let loose in, or something worse to do. Ronan's jaw goes tight as he tries to imagine a world without Gansey and finds that he can't, it's an impossible thought. Losing him temporarily almost killed them all once. How can they lose him for real this time? There's nobody to lead them or tell them what to do or laugh and stumble into his room at three am- nobody to try to mitigate fights or playfully knock around.
Nobody to pull any of the three of them away from their respective edges.
Fuck. Ronan rubs the heel of his palms into his eyes, before tightening his jaw and just committing to it. Hammer it in. Gansey is gone. It's not visceral and bloody like Niall, not sudden and still like Persephone, not vague and present like Noah- he was just here and now he's not, and there's no body to bury and there's no fucking church for a ceremony and there's no goddamn warning.
He moves suddenly, his body jerking into motion like he's been electrocuted. No sense delaying this. No sense doing anything at all except delivering the truth and then- he doesn't know. He still has some alcohol, and he knows that he can steal some of Noah's without any complaint. Find the Demon for round two. Find Nick for round two. Fuck, find Cashmere for round two. Doesn't matter.
Ronan slams the door open, not bothering to close it or really look at anyone else in the room as he shucks his jacket off and throws it toward one of the chairs. It misses by a good margin and lands on the floor, but Ronan doesn't notice or care.]
He's gone.
[His words are firm and loud and Ronan's fingers tighten into fists as he delivers the news.]
I looked everywhere. He fucking left.
greywaren), Adam Parrish (unknowable), Noah (casperdisaster)What: Gansey leaves the city. The other boys react poorly because they have terrible coping methods.
Where: Ravenhouse
When: End of December!
Warnings: General blanket warning for Ronan. Cursing, fighting, maybe references to some rough stuff. Some spoilers for the series!
[Ronan stares at the front door of the strange, spiraled house that all four of the boys from Aglionby share.
He's still, quiet as he looks at it. It's quaint, really- the door has only been kicked in a few times (by him) and has barely any boot smudges. There's a trail that leads up to it, windows still mostly clean as they peer out onto the street below. In the bright artificial light of the afternoon, it could look almost cheery.
The window on the top right is Gansey's. Was Gansey's.
Ronan exhales, berating himself for thinking like that already. Christ, it's not like Gansey is dead (but he is, Ronan's mind argues, or he will be), he just went home. Maybe. Or- or fuck, maybe he is dead. What do they really know about this stupid Door? Ronan has seen Gansey die a hundred times in his dreams, and despite it actually happening in some reality or another, it never felt quite as real as this. The loss of him. The lack.
What the fuck are they going to do now? He needs a drink. He needs something to hit- or a car to pull back and let loose in, or something worse to do. Ronan's jaw goes tight as he tries to imagine a world without Gansey and finds that he can't, it's an impossible thought. Losing him temporarily almost killed them all once. How can they lose him for real this time? There's nobody to lead them or tell them what to do or laugh and stumble into his room at three am- nobody to try to mitigate fights or playfully knock around.
Nobody to pull any of the three of them away from their respective edges.
Fuck. Ronan rubs the heel of his palms into his eyes, before tightening his jaw and just committing to it. Hammer it in. Gansey is gone. It's not visceral and bloody like Niall, not sudden and still like Persephone, not vague and present like Noah- he was just here and now he's not, and there's no body to bury and there's no fucking church for a ceremony and there's no goddamn warning.
He moves suddenly, his body jerking into motion like he's been electrocuted. No sense delaying this. No sense doing anything at all except delivering the truth and then- he doesn't know. He still has some alcohol, and he knows that he can steal some of Noah's without any complaint. Find the Demon for round two. Find Nick for round two. Fuck, find Cashmere for round two. Doesn't matter.
Ronan slams the door open, not bothering to close it or really look at anyone else in the room as he shucks his jacket off and throws it toward one of the chairs. It misses by a good margin and lands on the floor, but Ronan doesn't notice or care.]
He's gone.
[His words are firm and loud and Ronan's fingers tighten into fists as he delivers the news.]
I looked everywhere. He fucking left.
no subject
[Was Noah in the room before he spoke? It's hard to tell these days. Feeling too much makes Noah vanish, too much energy needed to maintain and feel at the same time, that's probably a blessing for him. He's not equipped to handle any of the things he's feeling now, better that he doesn't really have to.
It's sad when the dead one has the best emotional coping ability of all the boys present, all things considered.
Noah stands in the doorway leading to the kitchen, thumbnail tracing the patterns of the wood grain of the arch (assuming it actually is wood). He sighs.]
It must mean he's home, right? It has to mean that.
[That's what it meant in Harborview. Never mind that the gods here have given no such answers.]
no subject
So he doesn't look at him. It's easier when Noah is just a voice, when it doesn't matter if he's corporeal or not, and Ronan's tightens his fists, because he remembers when he'd blamed Noah for being alive, when Gansey's death back then had been so easy to place at Noah's feet. Now Gansey is gone and Noah is dead again and everything is falling apart, just when they were starting to pull together again after being spat out in this hell hole.
He shakes his head sharply at the question, forcing his voice to be steel when he speaks.]
It doesn't mean shit. You think this was a two-way trip?
[There's a pause, and Ronan exhales, glaring down at the carpeting in front of him.]
Even if he is home, he's fucking dead. You know it, right? You told him.
no subject
[Noah shrugs, or well, he might not have. It isn't like Ronan is looking. It isn't like Noah is necessarily there. But there's still the pause where an anxious shrug would be appropriate, the feeling of movement in the peripheral that would indicate something like that along with the breathy sighs Noah is known for instead of punctuation.]
No more than he was before. You just didn't know it.
no subject
[He spits it out like the word is the worst kind of curse. It feels like Noah is already dooming him by saying it like that, like it's inevitable, despite Adam's promises and Ronan's determination to keep the prediction from becoming true.
He's probably right. What can they do from here? They couldn't even stop him from leaving.]
Why don't you go fucking find him? Just go fuck off to Cabeswater- you can do that now, can't you?
[Ronan does not actually know how this works, but that seems like an accurate enough statement, given what Noah's done in the past.]
no subject
[Noah voices that suspicion for Ronan. He's often not Noah anymore in those cases, when what he does back home could be considered 'fucking off to Cabeswater', and Cabeswater has its own wants and needs and Gansey being fetched is probably not that high on its list if at all.]
I could try, if you wanted.
[He might not be able to anything. He might get trapped back home, or lost somewhere between there and here, identity and what is left of a soul torn asunder.
He was willing to die again to assuage Ronan's grief back on the train. So knowing the high possibility for danger, the fear of the unknown, he offers anyway.]
no subject
It sobers him quickly, though not entirely. Ronan stares at him, quiet for a moment, before slowly shaking his head, going tight with a sudden wave of emotion.]
No.
[Fuck it. Fuck that. Fuck everything, and fuck the sudden, stomach-wrenching loss that only now manages to hammer it's way home, once the veneer of rage has been stripped away for just a few seconds. Ronan weakens for a moment, and then visibly forces himself back together, reaching for the anger in the back of his throat and closing himself around it, letting it protect him again.]
No, you stay right the fuck here. Don't disappear, just fucking- be here. You owe us that much.
[It's not exactly clear what Noah owes them for- dying, maybe, trying to hide his death from them, but those aren't nearly as selfish as Ronan makes them out to be. Being calm about this, knowing the answer. None of Ronan's demands could really be considered fair, but there they are.]
no subject
I don't think it works that way.
[He repeats the words from before quietly, though he wishes it did. That just wanting was enough to remain present. Right now it's much easier to not be Noah, to just be a vague entity of annoyance and anger, throwing things around and slamming doors.
He tries to not do it in the house and only return when he's too tired to feel much at all.]
no subject
[Is Ronan's answering demand, sharp and blunt. Ronan isn't willing to give Noah quarter, or any sort of space to back out of this- he's putting his foot down, securing everything he possibly can with demands that may or may not be physically possible. But. He is the person who can create anything, just by wanting it enough. Maybe it's not quite a surprise then, that he tries to force his impossible demands on situations that may not actually be capable of delivering.
This isn't a dream. He knows it's not. That doesn't stop him from trying anyway.
Ronan steps a little closer, somehow taking up the room with just his shoulders, though he doesn't try to crowd Noah or overpower him. He's angry, he's desperate, and despite how much he does truly adore Noah, he knows how their ghostly friend will bend over backward to give into him. If he were more capable of rational thought right now, he'd take a step back, realize what that makes him, who that makes him- but he's not.]
You left. You had that choice and you chose this. Make it work. Don't fucking leave, Noah.
no subject
... I'll try.
[It's all he can do, he doesn't want to promise Ronan something he can't do, but he also wants to give in to whatever demand Ronan has. Ronan is Noah's friend, whatever he can do for Ronan he wants to. Unfortunately right now what he can do is 'very little'.
There's nothing that can replace a loss. At least if someone's dead you can bury them.]
no subject
He's still not pleased, but he deflates a little, his posture fading from where it was immediately threatening, back into something just simply angry. No more demands, no more blaming, just this. Gansey is gone and Noah is dead.
He grits his teeth.]
I'm taking some of your liquor.
no subject
- Don't take the vodka from Rook.
[it isn't a request.]
no subject
[It isn't an agreement.
Ronan turns to leave, walking past Noah- because what is he going to do, reach out a ghostly hand and stop him? Ronan insisted that he stay, but he doesn't really know to what end. He doesn't want companionship, he doesn't want to be comforted. He thinks, maybe, that Adam needs it, but he'd personally rather not deal with kindness and compassion right now.
In the end, Ronan will not take the vodka from Rook- partially because, even in his wild grief, he does listen, he does give a shit. Partially because he just doesn't want to deal with the fallout of Noah going all poltergeist on him. Partially because he'll find the other shit first.]
no subject
So he searched as much of the city as he could, all the places Gansey might be. Tried his phone. Looked all over. But there was no trace of him, not the slightest, and Adam is not stupid. Adam knows what that means. Gansey is gone.
In Harborview, someone told him they went home when they left, but they aren't in Harborview anymore, and the gods here don't seem to have given any reassurances about that. Adam would like to believe that Gansey has just gone home, that he's safe and sound, but he doesn't know that. And even if it were true, Gansey isn't here, he isn't around to keep Ronan from destroying himself and give Noah comfort.
Adam was an inadequate replacement when Gansey died. He'll be no better now. This is his fault. He's never been enough. He doesn't know how to be.]
Yeah. I looked too.
[He's sitting on one of the chairs. A moment ago, his head was in his hands, but he straightened when Ronan came in. What are they going to do? What is he going to do?]
He's gone.
no subject
By contrast, Adam looks lost in himself, still but nowhere near peaceful. Ronan doesn't have the sense of mind to really look at him right now, to see how this is affecting someone other than himself. Gansey is gone. Of course they're all wrecked. Of course Adam feels like everything is over and there's no point anymore.
Neither of them are responsible, but part of Ronan feels like they should be. Like they should have kept him close, stayed in the same room with him at all times- but how would they have been able to manage that? They promised to protect him, but what could they have even done? Despite not being able to stop it, Ronan still blames himself and part of him blames the other two boys as well. It only serves to make him angrier, and he turns sharply, kicking at one of the other wooden chairs in the living room, sending it crashing over.]
Fuck.
[An understatement. Ronan balls his hands into fists, kicks the toppled chair again until it slams into the nearby wall. Gansey is gone. They'd failed him. Ronan had fucking stuck his goddamn neck out for Adam and they'd failed him for the second time now.]
Fuck! [The wood leaves a mark in the wall. Ronan kicks it again, bashes his foot against it after every word-] God- fucking- damnit!
[The back of the chair splinters off the seat and he wants to keep pounding the shit out of it and then maybe turn his rage on the wall or just leave and find something else to do, but Adam is still in the room. As wild and destructive as Ronan is right now, part of him wants to stay, if only because he knows that the people in this house are the only ones who could possibly know how devastating this really is.
It won't stop him from hurting himself or damaging the place around him, but at least he's no threat to Adam, not even when he's like this.]
no subject
Some part of Adam wishes he could express his emotions with as much drama and violence as Ronan does. Ronan makes it impossible not to notice how he feels, impossible to brush it off or pretend that anything else is going on. Adam has spent his life swallowing down his anger, locking away his misery, because expressing it too obviously would only be an excuse for his father's anger. Don't you goddamn cry over shit like that, grow a spine. Can't you even take a hit? I know you're just faking it for sympathy.
But at the same time, he resents Ronan for it. He knows already that Ronan has discarded the thought of anything but his own anger and pain. He knows that Ronan isn't thinking about him, won't even consider the existence of Adam Parrish unless he wants to pick a fight, wants to make it worse. It's easy for him to make it all about himself, his own loss, and not care that anyone else might be hurting.
He won't look to Adam for support, and he definitely won't even think of offering it. Because in the face of Ronan's pain, whatever nameless thing that had been growing between them just stops mattering.
Gansey is gone, and Adam can't do anything about it. He can't do anything about this, either. Ronan won't listen to him, he already knows that. Noah is barely there. Everything is going to fall apart and it will be Adam's fault that he couldn't hold it together. But him holding it together was never a possibility. No one looks to him as someone to follow, someone to listen to. No one looks to him for anything. But he has to try anyway, because Gansey is gone.]
Either he went home, or he's dead. There's nothing we can do either way. There's no point in throwing a fit. You're only going to end up hurting yourself.
no subject
But he's wrong. Ronan knows that he's wrong. There's nothing to plan now, no steps to take, no calm rationalization that will make this hurt any less. Adam can't distance himself with his logic and apathy, Ronan knows that he has to be hurting, he knows that he has to be on the verge of something explosive and buried deep where nobody else can think to see it.
He won't show it though, the bastard. Like he can lord how composed he is over Ronan somehow, like he can pull away and stay away. Unreachable. Unknowable.]
Jesus. 'He's dead so just get the fuck over it'?
[It's twisting Adam's words and he knows it, but he doesn't care. Ronan doesn't entirely round on Adam then, but the words are enough to take his focus off the splintered chair and pin it right on the still boy sitting across the table.]
Is this how you'll be- ? You were supposed to fucking save him, Parrish, and all you've got now is oh well, get over it? Go fuck yourself.
no subject
[His words are sharp. He is hurting, he is in pain, but what good will it do to fall apart? And in front of Ronan, who would only be disgusted by it, who would only be disturbed and made uncomfortable by the tears Adam wants to shed? Adam has never known what Ronan sees in him, but it's not that kind of weakness, he's sure of that. It's not the part of himself that's a fraction away from shattering. No one could look at that and find it attractive, no one could look at that and find it anything but pathetic.
Ronan's words cut deep, and Adam is not one to crumple beneath that pain. It's true, he knows. He swore he was going to save Gansey, and Ronan believed him. And maybe this isn't quite that - they don't know if Gansey is dead or if he's alive and home safe, maybe with another Adam who will do better, who will be what he needs to be.
But even if it's true, it isn't fair. This isn't Adam's fault, and Adam didn't say anything like that, Ronan is just making it what he needs it to be to start a fight.
Fine. If he wants a fight, he'll get one.]
You think you're doing any good, stomping around and breaking things and yelling at people? You think this is going to get Gansey back or keep him safe? Fuck you, Lynch. You're no better than me.
no subject
Adam is in his path now, and Ronan can't, won't, would never bring himself to hurt him with fists, but that doesn't mean that he can't fight with him another way. It doesn't mean that he won't be blunt and hurtful, just because he can't keep everything bottled up the way that Adam can. He won't lie, he won't say untrue cruel things just to hurt the other boy, but that doesn't mean that he'll be anything remotely resembling considerate.]
Oh, so you're sitting there pretending that nothing is wrong because that helps to bring him back? Accepting that he's gone is part of your master fucking plan?
[His stomach churns. This doesn't feel right. If Gansey was around while the two of them went at it like this, he'd try to interject and separate them- an act which mainly involved trying to get Ronan to back the fuck off. It's not that they haven't fought without him, but the knowledge that he's not here to break it up, that he might never be here to break it up, only serves to make it worse.
He's not angry at Adam. Not really. But Adam is an easy target right now, and neither of them are really very good at reassurance in the heat of the moment like this.]
Let's hear it, then. How are you fixing this?
[His voice is still dripping with venom, and it's obvious that he doesn't actually expect an answer.]
no subject
But that's not what's happening here. If Adam reached out, Ronan would slap it away, and Adam would never reach out anyway. He doesn't need to. He doesn't want to. Ronan's being a shit to him and so he'll be a shit right back, even if it feels terrible, even if he knows he's going to regret it.]
How am I fixing this? How about you, for once? How about you stop putting everything on my shoulders, how about you take some fucking responsibility for once and try to fix things instead of just breaking them?
[Adam wants to break something. He wants to smash the remaining pieces of that chair, he wants to throw something or punch the wall or do something to let out some of the anger bubbling inside him. But he clenches his fists and it's enough to make him tremble with anger, controlling himself like that, it's enough to almost hurt, but he does it.
He won't be that person. He won't be his father. He's still angry, even then.]
How about you stop fucking asking me to fix everything and then getting pissed when I can't do it?
no subject
Everything on your shoulders? Really?
[He growls, stalking over and throwing open the door to the kitchen. A cooking pan comes flying out of the open door within a few seconds- one with two handles, jutting out at odd angles. A toaster is thrown out next, crashing onto the floor and breaking apart at the impact- there's no circuitry inside, no substance, no reason why it would work, but it does- or rather, it did. The cooking knife that they use. The can opener he was having so much trouble with the other day.
Ronan shows up in the door finally, fingers curling over the frame, his expression incendiary.]
Yeah, I'll take responsibility for once, [he hisses it out, sarcastic, surrounded by the things he's done, the ways he's tried to contribute. He wants, irrationally, to break them all, just to prove Adam right, just to prove, despite all of this, that breaking is simply all he's good for.]
How about next time, I just take a goddamn copy of him? Will that fix this?
[He won't- of course he won't. But Ronan is only good at a select few things, he thinks, and most of those aren't even applicable to this place. He can take things, he can fight- he can't plan this sort of thing out. He can't think his way through problems and come up with elegant solutions the way that Adam can, it's just not the way he works.
So Adam wants him to try to fix this, hates the pressure that Ronan puts on his shoulders to do so. That's fine. Ronan will fucking do it if Adam hates it that much, but his answer will always be clumsy, done more with brute force than any sort of thing that Adam can come up with.]
At least then, he'd be here, and I wouldn't be sitting around like some dumbass with my balls cut off waiting for him to die.
no subject
I'm sorry I can't just dream up whatever we need, I'm sorry I have to scour the damn city for food and clothes and whatever else. I'm sorry I'm not as useful as you - or I guess I'm only useful when you want someone to blame for shit.
[His fists clench, but he doesn't move, and he takes a long breath, hoping it will help him center himself, hoping it'll calm him down. It doesn't. Normally Adam is oddly happy when Ronan asks things of him - normally he knows that's what he can contribute, that's what he's good for, and he finds himself grateful for it, because in a lot of ways he isn't good for anything.
But then it becomes this, then Ronan needs someone to dump his problems on, someone to be the scapegoat when things go wrong. Because Adam couldn't save Gansey, because Ronan believed in him and Adam let him down, and yeah, it's Adam's fault, but this isn't the first time, why does Ronan ever believe in him at all when all Adam can do is fail him? He hasn't had a success since Greenmantle.
But then, he supposes Ronan has shit-all but this. And how pathetic is that, nothing to rely on but a piece of trash from a trailer park who thinks he's better than he is? No wonder Ronan's angry. Gansey's gone, and Adam will never be an adequate replacement.]
Do whatever the hell you want, Lynch. You always have. I'm just your backup when you don't have any other options. That's always what I have been, right?
[He moves then, almost about to kick the pan on the ground, but he stops himself. God, it would be so satisfying, but he can't, he knows he can't, it's too easy to go down that slippery slope. One mistake and that's it.]
I can't fix it, okay? I can't bring him back. I don't even know how this place works, I don't know if he's safe at home or if he's just gone. So get pissed if you want, smash everything in the house, there's fucking nothing I can do to fix this for you.
no subject
He's not going to spend this fight trying to convince Adam of his worth- it's just not going to happen. Adam is going to think shit of himself and he's going to project that on Ronan and he's going to hate himself for some imagined slight or another and Ronan can't stop whatever is in his head, and now he doesn't have the energy to even try and combat it, with everything else. With Gansey being gone. The least he can do is to remove his own part in it, spit out the words that Adam is trying to put in his mouth in between the points he's trying to make.
Which, honestly, Ronan isn't even sure what they are anymore. Adam can't fix it. Adam has given up. He wanted to save him and he said he would do it and he promised he'd try and this is the end of it. If Adam says that there are no straws worth grasping at, even the bad ones, even to save Gansey, then there aren't any.
Ronan finds himself believing him, against his own will. Gut reaction. He can't help but to take Adam's word as gospel, even if he doesn't want to.]
But fine. Fuck it. Fuck Dick Gansey, right?
[Back in the kitchen, then. Ronan keeps most of his liquor in his room, and he knows that Noah does the same, but Gansey has a bottle of something or other hidden in the pantry behind the syrup and spices and Ronan finds it in a moment, knocking the other shit aside, not even bothering to react as they hit the ground.]
The fuck has he ever done for us? [Ronan is talking- sort of to himself now, still sort of to Adam, angry mumbling as he shoves the liquor in one of the smaller bags they use to carry canned goods from the shops back to the house.] You think that if it were you or me gone, he'd stop at nothing to find us? Fuck no, right? He'd probably just sit in that damn chair, say that it's pointless, and give the fuck up. He'd just get fucking blitzed, right?
[The liquor is stashed, and Ronan has some semblance of thought to grab a couple haphazard food items- an energy bar, a bag of chips, a jar of peanut butter- and shoves them in the bag too, before throwing it over his shoulder.]
What a shitty guy. What a fucking asshole.
no subject
Shut up. You're so full of shit.
[His voice is tight. He watches Ronan shove his bag full of things, obviously planning to leave, and he's not surprised, he knows it's probably for the best, he knows they'll just keep fighting, but there's a surprising sense of loss anyway. Gansey's gone, Noah's dead and can barely stay around sometimes, aren't they all that's left? Isn't he all that Ronan's got, right now?
It's not enough, he knows that, it could never be enough. And they'd only scratch and claw at each other, they'd fight and take out their anger and pain and it would all be so much worse, but still - still.
Gansey's gone and Noah's half-gone and Ronan's leaving, and there's nothing Adam can do to fix any of it.]
There's nothing I can do that would satisfy you, is there? You want me to promise to find a way when you know just as well as I do that there isn't one. You want me to lie to you so you'll feel better, so you'll have something to blame when I can't do it. I'm not going to.
[And he's not going to say anything to try to stop Ronan from leaving, either, even if it hurts, even if he hates it. Because Ronan will leave either way, and Adam isn't going to make some pathetic fool out of himself. Logically he knows it's for the best. Emotionally - well, Adam's emotions have never listened to him.]
Fuck you.
no subject
He stops with his back to Adam at the final few words, one hand on the bag, keeping it up on his shoulder, the other down by his side, fingers so tight that his nails cut into his palms, his knuckles are white, his hand is practically trembling with the tension of it.
There are very logical reasons why he's storming out in the middle of this fight. He can't stay here, not where he'll clash with Adam endlessly about this, not where he'll get frustrated and yell at Noah for not being able to stay, not where Gansey's bedroom is just up the stairs, not where he can't drink himself into a stupor and destroy something without one of his friends breathing down his neck. Fighting with Adam now just solidifies his reasons- they're both burning too hot, too angry, and unlike so many of the other times that they fight, they have no mediator, no one to pull them off of one another when it gets too far.
Adam is probably right about Ronan wanting to blame him. He's not sure- he isn't thinking this through to manipulate anything, it just hurts, and he wanted something, a glimmer of hope, anything to latch onto and work toward. Maybe he didn't want that, though- Ronan has never been one for platitudes, but this is important, this is too much, and if he didn't want a reassurance then it makes sense that he'd want something to yell at and it makes sense that Adam would be able to know him almost better than he knows himself. Even when he's spiraling like this- maybe especially then.
But he can't whittle his claws and teeth down on Adam, not when he knows truly that the other boy doesn't deserve it. This has been bad enough, they're both reeling and wounded just from this, and he has to go, at least for tonight, at least for long enough to get trashed and stop thinking for awhile.
He turns back for a moment, the room still static with the energy behind Adam's curse, the finality of it. Fuck you hangs in the air, alongside all the messy, nasty things that Ronan said. He's not interested in having the last word, and he realizes suddenly that there's nothing he can really say to argue, anyway. Nothing that hasn't already been said.
Ronan meets Adam's eyes for a moment, brow furrowed in a look of hawkish anger, mouth tight, fist still trembling. This is how they're ending this.
He thinks that maybe he sees something else in Adam's expression. A frisson of weakness, like he was going to say something different, like he wanted to say something different- but instead, it's just this. Ronan doesn't know what could have been different. There's no place for weakness here, so he doesn't let himself give Adam that chance.
In the end, there's nothing else to do but leave. Ronan turns back to the entryway with a low, frustrated growl and storms out without another word, slamming the door behind him.]