CLOSED; I'm drunk and brave enough to say

[pyralisit]

Who: Flick and Cal
What: They have some shit to work out
Where: The Hara House
When: Immediately following this thread
Warnings: Possible content warning for talk of abuse/violence/sex. Also language. Will update as needed.

------

10 minutes, he'd said. In reality it was closer to 20. Not because it had taken him that long to get there, but because it took him that long to force himself to walk inside. He'd gone through this conversation so many times in his head already, what was he afraid of? He felt like some nervous newborn, trembling at the thought of their first aruna.

Cal hated that feeling. It was useless except to make him tense and afraid, and then angry that he'd felt that way in the first place. And as terrible as he felt, he knew Flick had to feel it too, a hundred or a thousand times worse to consider drugging himself senseless. If that's what it took to talk to him, no wonder Cal didn't have many friends. It hurt more than it should have and he didn't want to stop to consider why that might be. But each time he tried to tell himself that Pell's opinion was the only one that mattered, he believed it a little less.

He'd spent most of the extra time pacing outside, beyond the view of the windows. The last thing he needed was somehar seeing him there as he avoided coming inside and deciding that he was up to something. He stared at the house. He wanted another cigarette. Neither was helping. What the fuck was he even doing?

He paused with his hand on the doorknob for one last half panicked thought that he had to stamp down (really what did he expect Flick would--or could--do to him?) before he opened the door to the smell of everything Flick had been baking. Under any other circumstances he might have enjoyed it, too, some small sense of normalcy in a hidden cave with too few hara and too many humans.

He closed the door behind him but didn't lock it. He didn't sit down, either.

"So now you have me. What does that mean?"

Comments

[saltrock_imp]

Cal was late. Figured. Flick busied himself with slicing the bread, putting the cookies he'd made on plates, and then starting another batch. The house was likewise pretty clean too. Flick's stress was good for their house at least, if not for him.

He took a cookie and chewed it, trying to calm his heart down, feeling like it was going to leap out of his chest. It was stupid. Cal was not going to murder him in his own home. At least not with Pell there. Part of him wanted to flee for his life, the other wanted to have a sane, rational conversation with Cal. He'd been hurt and abused and yes, he'd done terrible things. But they were not him.

Flick looked at the hot water he had boiled for the herbs Tranquility gave him and watched them steep. honestly, he was a little nervous about using it on his own. He should have tried it first with Lor. He grabbed a spoon and ate some cookie down as Cal came in, eyes momentarily closed in bliss.

There went that moment. Way to go Cal.

"I don't know Cal. Do you want some of the tea too?" He offered, because, well, he was kind of terrified. He put the bread and cookies on a table.

[pyralisit]

Somehar had been industrious. Better than what Cal could say he did when he was worried. Smoke never cleaned anything, even if it made him feel better. Thank God it wasn't likely to kill him now. He'd have been dead a hundred times by now.

Poor, terrified little Flick. Cal was sure he must have looked like an invader, smelling of smoke and standing there, in the middle of his clean little sanctuary, the incarnation of everything he hated. Blood and violence and upheaval condensed into a physical form with the smoky scent of war still clinging to his clothes.

He stared, half impressed and half wary that Flick had even made the offer. For several moments he wasn't even sure what his answer would be. Not until he found himself saying "no" anyway. And then he immediately questioned why. Was it because he was trying to at least pretend he had some manners? Or was it because penance was supposed to hurt?

"Do you even have anything left to say to me?"

[saltrock_imp]

Flick set the mug of mind altering fungus down, afraid of Cal, but too afraid to take a sip on his own now. Maybe that would come later. The fear would win out. Was it really safe for somehar's heart to beat as fast as his was right now. Could Cal see it reverberating in his chest underneath his clothing?

Cal looked and smelled every bit Uigenna. How could he not? He was beautiful and terrifying. All that was missing was some animal hides and face paint. Flick compulsively ate a cookie, wanting to go finish the batch he had started but stuck on the floor in front of Cal. He had asked him here. Now, he had to finish it. Bravery did not come easy. Maybe it was simple for bigger hara, stronger hara, more confident hara, but for Flick he had to reach down and beg and plead and maybe, he'd stand strong.

"I'm not sure. I'm honestly not sure." He paused, little impish face drawn. "I saw your inception. After. When you were with Wraxilan. When I was with Wraxilan." Why was he saying this? Was he grasping at anything to say to Cal? Why?

[pyralisit]

Brave, really, if Cal stopped to think about it, how Flick changed his mind. He'd never actually faced him down sober, had he? Never mind the shaking hands, the quiet voice. What monster did Cal look like to him now?

The statement brought him up cold, though, and he stared. Should he even have been shocked?

"Did you think you were the only har he touched?" Of course he hadn't. That would have been stupid and for all that he was maybe and innocent, Flick was not stupid.

"What do you want me to say? He was vicious and brutal and I liked it." Maybe not at first, but he had learned to. Been made to. Whichever. Did it really matter? "The Lion kept his fingers around all of our throats." He liked it that way.

[saltrock_imp]

Don't call him brave yet Cal. He might still relent. You were the monster under the bed he had yet to face. He was terrified of you. You might scare him more than Wraxilan does. Maybe it's because he's faced with you now, you're real, here, present. Maybe it's just that you scare him more. Who can tell.

Flick swallowed. Why was he even talking about this? " No. I didn't. I know exactly how Wraxilan was, what he liked. But I also know you didn't." Not at first at least. He'd only seen that one scene, that first post althaia roon. Maybe it didn't count.

"IF you like it so much, why did you leave?" Why was he doing this? "I don't know why I'm asking about this. Forget it. Have a cookie. They're warm."

[pyralisit]

"He wanted his claws in everything--everyhar was his. How else do you keep order amongst barbarians?" They liked to think they were free but they were property. It was still a miracle, he thought, that Wraxilan hadn't killed him for defying him. Maybe he'd thought exile was a more poetic death.

"Because I did." As far as anyhar else was concerned that was good enough. "Why do you care why I left? I did and that's it." It wasn't it, but why should he share that? And why should he share it now?

"What are you trying to uncover, Flick? IF you're going to go digging you should know some things are better left buried."

[saltrock_imp]

"I don't know. I don't know how to talk to you Cal. I don't know what to say. You're both terrifying and sweet and loving. I can see you killing Orien and then shooting the fake Pell, and at the same time, I can see what Pellaz loves you. I can see why you cause the damage you do. Animal camouflage. Survival."

Lor had it too. Lor could just turn his on and off. Could Cal do that? Or was it always on? Flick took the cookie if Cal didn't want one. He wanted one, mainly so he'd have something to do, something to concentrate on that wasn't Cal. He'd rather look at the cookie and the bread.

[pyralisit]

"When it's learn to protect yourself or die, you stop caring about the details." And if "protect yourself" meant some blood on your hands, that's what you did. Or at least that what he had done. Flick had seemed too manage not to. Maybe that made him a better person than Cal was. Maybe he was just hiding and terrified, too afraid to take responsibility for his own safety.

And if they caged an animal, of course there would be damage while it desperately tried to free itself.

"What do you want from me?" he finally sighed after a moment of silence, didn't staring mostly at a wall. If Flick want going to look at him, he wasn't going to look at Flick. "I'm not going to disappear so what do you want?"

[saltrock_imp]

Lor had said something similar to him once. He had forgiven Lor for everything he'd been through, everything he'd had to do. Flick even relied on it. Why was it different with Cal? Was it simply because Lor had been a slave? Because he regretting his actions? Or did Flick just not like Cal?

Flick had been caged. He'd submitted. Maybe that was the difference. Flick didn't have the same survival instinct that they had. Flick couldn't do it. Flick's instinct wasn't to fight. It was to flee, hide, submit. Do anything so they dont hurt you again. Fighting never really came into the picture for him.

"I don't know. I want to resolve this, but I don't know how. I don't know how to fix this, Cal." He wasn't even sure he wanted to fix this. He knew it had to end though.

[pyralisit]

"I don't either." It almost hurt admitting it, too. He'd never been so blind as to believe he knew everything, but he should have known this, known better how to be an actual person who considered his effect on other people beyond what they could do for him. He'd burned his way through places and people and he hadn't cared. Or at least he told himself he hadn't cared.

Even now he wanted to scream. That was what animals did, wasn't it? They screamed and cried and thrashed until either the cage broke or they did. And when they were too tired to fight any longer they gave up. Maybe they died or maybe they only wish they had.

Cal finally sank into a chair so he could put this head in his hands and close his eyes for a moment. He'd asked the question of himself already, but what the fuck was he doing? When he finally spoke again it was muffled by his hands. He didn't look up.

"My god, how wretched we must be."

[saltrock_imp]

Flick felt his heart beating out of his chest. Could Cal see it? He was terrified, and tried to control his shaking. He took a few steps toward the blonde, and sunk down to his knees in front of Cal even as he sunk into the chair. Looking up at him, he offered his hands, which were shaking and slightly damp from fear.

"This has to stop. Show me. Show me what Pellaz sees in you. I want to know. You're not all bad Cal, Pell loves you deeply. But I can't stop this fear until I see what he does. I need to know why he cares so much for you. Show me that piece that nohar else sees." Well, not nohar else. Seel saw it. Zack saw it. Some hara saw it. Flick needed to see it if they were going to get passed this.

[pyralisit]

At first Cal didn't even notice Flick was there--it wasn't until the har spoke from in front of him that he dropped his hands from his face and stared at him, listening. Not all bad? Since when? And since when had Flick ever believed that? Since he'd gotten here Flick had been nothing but afraid of him--he still was.

He hesitated first, then took both of Flick's hands in his own in silence, looking at him for a moment, eyes dark, expression blank. There was a reason nohar else saw that part of him--it was vulnerable and weak and it needed to be protected from the horror of the world as viciously as he could swing his claws.

"And what if you can't believe it?"

[saltrock_imp]

Flick didn't see that part of Cal. He never had. He'd seen somehar tall and confident and beautiful, ethereal. Something he could never be. He was a poisonous flower, pretty to look at, don't touch. But others had seen something else. And if this was going to ever work, he needed to see it.

"I don't know. This is all I have." He didn't see you coming up with any suggestions, Cal.

He didn't want to do this. Flick was convinced that underneath all that was just more darkness. But Pell couldn't be wrong. Pell was sweet and beautiful and innocent. They had something together. He had to trust that there was something there besides an insane murderer. Or they were going to spend the rest of their days here in silent avoidance.

[pyralisit]

Cal didn't have any other suggestions to suggest. This wasn't the sort of thing he was good at. He didn't repair anything. He broke things. As much and as quickly as possible. It's what he'd done his whole life--not even just his harish one.

He stared. He wasn't even ashamed to admit that's what he was doing, trying to make his mind work, maybe, send it in some direction other than the paths it had been set on for so long. What did it say about him that he couldn't even tell if he'd done it?

Eventually, he sighed and dropped his eyes, not sure what they were supposed to say right now.

"Don't say you weren't warned." He leaned forward, hesitated once more, then pressed his lips to Flick's and opened himself up completely.

It was chaos, mostly--it was always chaos, but underwritten by pain and terror. He was always afraid--afraid that he'd lose Pell again, afraid that his one chance would be snatched away from him, afraid that once it was gone he'd be lost in his own pandemonium. It wasn't gentle, he didn't hold back.

[saltrock_imp]

Flick was overwhelmed. He wanted to scramble back, but wasn't this what he asked for? He tried to grasp at something so he wouldn't be swept up and away in it. So he held on to Cal's fear. Fear and terror he understood. The world was out to get you, they both just had different coping mechanisms. Flick ran. He hid. Cal scratched and fought.

Cal shared, so Flick opened himself up as well, as much as he could at least, trying his best to mask Lileem and Mima, hoping the two of them could find a common understanding in the fear. Flick was orderly fear, the knowledge that the world he always thought safe was actually terrifying. The monsters under the bed were real. He was afraid all the time here, of the monsters, of Cal, of the Door sending Wraxilan and the rest of the Uigenna that they were running from.He was afraid he'd never get back home, to his not so perfect life with Ulaume on the boat. He'd rather go back to running, even if it meant purposefully not bathing and dressing in rags, than be here.

[pyralisit]

That was a start at least. Not eh best of common threads, but at least there was one. Maybe it would be enough and maybe it wouldn't. Cal wasn't holding out much hope, but he could stand to be pleasantly surprised. It wasn't another bad thing, even if it wasn't another good thing, either. He'd have to call that a victory. There wasn't like to be much else to celebrate.

He pulled back after a moment, sitting back in the chair and releasing Flick's hands. He couldn't look away from the har. Maybe he should have and he was just waiting to be blinded by the sheer goodness he possessed. He and Pell both shared that. Maybe that's what drew him in.

"So now you know. The Mighty Calanthe, Destroying Wind or what the fuck ever it is you think of me is another scared fool in a world of scared fools. But fear can be passion, too."