hadriel_logs | I Chased the End of Your Road.

Entry tags:

I Chased the End of Your Road.

Who: Glacius (

glacius) and Carlisle (

tongueamok).
What: Carlisle tries to help pull Glacius up out of the pit of depression that Kate's disappearance has toppled him into.
Where: Their apartment.
When: Backdated to 4/29.
Warnings: Ice alien sads :'[

It hadn't taken Glacius long to realize that something had happened to Kate. It had been days and days since the masquerade and he hadn't seen hide nor hair of her since; not in his morning stops by the clinic, not on his routine patrols, not even on the network or in his phone's directory. Her complete absence was a heart-clenching, gut-dropping realization that spurred the alien to do everything in his power to find her. He spent days at a time a the clinic, poking by her residence, hoping she'd turn up in one of the places that she frequented like she had the last time she'd disappeared, but it was not to be. All that he had managed to find was some of his friend's possessions, and, realizing it was going to be the only link he would have to one of the people who had steadfastly stood by him despite the worst of the odds that were stacked against them, the alien had collected what he could.

It did nothing to ease the growing pain in his hearts, but at least he could safeguard some of the things that were important to his friend, and at least he had a physical testament to the time they had together even if it was simultaneously a stabbing reminder that she was no longer here with him.

Now there was nothing more he could do but put some feelers out. Posting to the network had been another attempt on Glacius' part to do everything he could to find his friend... but it has also been an act of resignation, of knowing there was nothing more he could do than hope against hope. Now even that had been dashed; no one else could find her, no one else had seen or so much as heard from her, and the alien was ultimately forced to shut down the feed. No matter how well-meaning the responses were, every reply that filtered in was just another confirmation of the fact that Kate was well and truly gone--and like many of the other developments that came with falling in so closely with other people, Glacius didn't know how to handle it. He could feel himself drifting off into a fog and he couldn't muster up the strength to navigate himself out of it; how could he, when one of his greatest sources of it in this cave had been wrested from him?

So here he was, sequestered away in the far corner of his darkened room, attempting to scrape some together from the only things that he had left of his friend. His knees were drawn up to his chest and his head was bowed despondently as he cradled the human's stuffed elephant tightly to his body. It was broken body language, the likes of which he hadn't fallen into since Emily's death, and he knew it--it was why he was hiding himself from everyone in his grieving. Or almost everyone. He should know that it wouldn't take his partner long to notice he was slipping, but his thoughts were not exactly at their clearest now.

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As Glacius wraps his long arms around Carlisle, the clergyman can't help but smile just a bit, despite the sobering circumstances that brought them to this moment. The fact that Glacius is willing to turn to him for comfort is such a shift in their usual dynamic, which, as of late, has seen Carlisle seeking solace in his partner rather than the other way around. Though he took care of Glacius before, after their battle with the demon that possessed Emily, this is different. Glacius may not bear physical wounds and scars as he did then, but he aches all the same. Emily would return; Kate may not.

"I'm here, Glacius," he reassures; though his tone is soft, his phrasing is much as it is when he's trying to calm himself down from a panic. "I'm here for as long as you will have me."

Or that this world will have him, but that's a sentiment Glacius could do without for the time being. Carlisle lets out a quiet sigh, leaning back into the side of the bed, his hands resting along the curve of Glacius' head and neck. He does the best he can with keeping any oncoming shivers to a minimum as he allows the alien a moment's peace to simply recompose himself.

At least Calrisle has learned not to comment on his own demise in their more sensitive moments. The ice alien nods as his partner murmurs out those reassurances, but otherwise stays quite still, sheltering up against his partner's body at the clergyman has often done when their positions have been reversed. He loses track of how long he spends like that, wrapped up in Carlisle's arms in the cold and quiet of the room... but at least this time it's not a lonely, aimless drifting through a fog of despair. The otherworldly being feels firmly anchored to reality in the warmth of the human's body, in the embrace of his arms.

It's like finally making it back to solid land after days of being tossed around in a dark and roiling sea, and though the pain of loss is no less present, it does finally allow Glacius security enough that the gears in his mind can start turning again. He can actually think through his grief, so though he doesn't move away from Carlisle even the slightest bit when he finally stirs again, he does sound like he's trying to put himself back together despite the exhaustion in his voice.

"Thank you," the alien murmurs, cracking his eyes open to thin glowing green slivers as his fingers curl in the thick sweater ensconcing the clergyman's body. "Thank you. I... I need to find a way to pick myself back up... see to some business... but I think... right now I'd prefer to stay here. And remember. It's been so long... she was the first person I ever met in this cave, you know. I... can't believe it's actually over."

Edited 2017-05-09 21:27 (UTC)

Though they sit for some time wrapped around each other, Carlisle doesn't mind it, even after the cold settles into his joints. The sweater keeps some of it at bay, but when combined with the icy giant embracing him, the clergyman can't help but feel the chill reaching through him. Such a sensation would usually draw his thoughts toward the eternity of wandering he has awaiting him in the Land Beyond Living; however, with Glacius there beside him, his gills fluttering quietly in the near silence encompassing them, Carlisle is grounded. He's here.

His eyes open as Glacius addresses him, his neck cracking a bit from stiffness as he looks to his partner. "It is over for now," he remarks, rubbing at his neck, "as she may return someday. She would not be the first to do so."

And probably not the last. He knows how much Glacius enjoys hope, though. It keeps him moving, and is admittedly better than Carlisle's main motivators, fear and inadequacy. "Until then, you must keep moving. There are those who need you."

That's the kind of advice he's given himself before, and the only reasonable kind that kept him from a grim end for years. He was needed. He had value, even with his curse. It was when the misfortune he brought outweighed his usefulness that he struggled, and he'd do anything to keep Glacius from suffering from such a troubling thought.

While Carlisle attempts to shift and stretch as much as he can with a massive, bulky ice alien draped up his body, Glacius still doesn't move--but rather remains pressed up against his partner. Prior to this, he's been curled in a tight ball for quite some time now; this is already a step up from that... and maybe he's just not ready to put distance between them yet, either. He's not a particularly clingy creature, but the solace that contact with the clergyman brings is undeniable; he's not ready to risk giving that up just yet, given that this is the first taste of stability he's had since Kate's disappearance.

"She may come back. It is more likely that she will not," the otherworldly being sighs sadly, shaking his head. While he does like having and giving hope, he seems wary of false ones... and he knows how finicky the Door can be. He's already suffered enough from her initial disappearance; he doesn't want to know what waiting for her to return, only to have his hopes constantly dashed each time she didn't show up with a crop of newcomers, would do to him over time. "It's best that I steel myself as best I can for that possibility. As for people needing me... well. I would like to believe that. But the longer I am trapped in this place, the more I struggle to not succumb to the damning notion that things will always be as they are, no matter what I try to do to ensure the safety and security of those around me."

Though he's starting to pick up the pieces of his resolve, it seems like some of that defeat is still lingering. Despite his best efforts, people will suffer. They will disappear. The only chance he has of offering them something better is to free them, and that goal seems further and further away the longer he spends in this place. Despite Carlisle's efforts to protect him from troubling thoughts, he still seems to turn up plenty on his own-- especially when his mental and emotional states are still so shaken.

Edited 2017-05-09 22:23 (UTC)

"There are some things we cannot change, Glacius," Carlisle notes. "No matter how much we wish we could."

This is another time he holds his tongue, particularly on one specific example of 'things that cannot be changed.' Glacius has yet to accept it -- perhaps he will, in time, but Carlisle cannot help but wonder the being he'll leave behind. Will he move on? Find another partner more suited for his lifespan? Or will Glacius fall into a despair too great to wrench himself from? What will happen to him, then?

Having seen Algidus... Carlisle isn't sure he wants to know. He runs his hand along the curve of Glacius' head, fingers trailing along his spikes. "You have protected me many a time, though. Or did you forget?"

"What is there to even forget?" Glacius huffs, finally starting to sit up-- and not because he feels ready to stand on his own. "The demon nearly tore you apart. Your double almost murdered you--and then you nearly pushed yourself the rest of the way when you healed wounds garnered by my inability to deal with my own. I couldn't even keep you save from some overgrown plants-- and I was lashed for my failure."

The alien shakes his head, then finally turns away completely. "You do not even trust me to deal with the one who would threaten your life. I suppose after everything... I should not be surprised by your lack of faith in me. And yet... it still hurts. Ever since we grew close, all I have ever wanted to do was look out for you."

Carlisle's eyes fall, a frown wearing into him. So much for making Glacius feel better.

"It's not a lack of faith, Glacius," he insists. "I- I don't want to see you harmed any more on my behalf. It's not that you can't defend me, but—"

His hands wring together as he leaves the 'you shouldn't' off the end of that sentence. Glacius wouldn't want to hear it.

Really, Carlisle? Instead of refuting any of the alien's points against himself you're going to choose to argue this instead? Though the alien is still looking away he scowls fiercely, feeling rotten all over again.

"But what? Suffering so that those I care about do not have to is what I was brought into the universe to do," Glacius insists. "I may be separated from my world, and my jurisdiction as a marshal may have been left there, but I... I am still a warrior. You have asked me not to fight and I have agreed out of respect for your agency in your own affairs, but fighting is not the only way to defend someone. And yet... you've never even thanked me for how I've stood up for you amidst all this... instead you'd argue in the favor of your abuser... fire, you've never even believed me when I've told you to stand up for yourself!"

The ice alien shakes his head, feeling worse and worse about everything the more he considers the way Carlisle has been handling things as of late. "You won't let me help by action. You won't even listen to my words. You deflect... sometimes you go so far as to lie and argue with me. I am forced to wonder if you believe in what I can do or what I say. This... this isn't how a relationship should be."

Carlisle's face falls more and more the longer Glacius goes on, a quiet fury bubbling somewhere within the guilt and self-disgust. "I don't know how a relationship should be. I'm not even supposed to have them."

But that's not what Glacius ought to hear, either. He sighs heavily. "I'm sorry," he utters, his hands curling. "I'm sorry, Glacius. I had hoped to make you feel better, and instead, I argue. I had wanted to remind you of all the times you made me feel safe, but I did not take into consideration that you would view such events as personal failures."

Those same hands shake as a mixture of shame and sorrow wash over him. "You are something so good in my life that I fear I will lose you at all times. What if your defense of me came to blows? What if Shadow summoned fire upon you? Or used my plants, as the other you did?"

Carlisle pulls in a breath; it quavers as much as his hands. "I do not doubt your prowess as a warrior, sincerely. I... I just worry about losing you. I don't know what I would do without you because I—"

And he stops again, suddenly, the rest of him catching up with the words pouring from his mouth, with the heartfelt confession he's giving. A glimmer of realization crosses his face, rippling into his every feature; his brow knits, his eyes bleary as they make their way back to Glacius.

"... because I am in love with you," he finishes, admitting it to himself and his partner simultaneously. "That's why."

Though he's still not looking at Carlisle, the alien is visibly taken aback by that devotion; he flinches sharply before shuddering in on himself, the sentiment striking him right in his hearts. Despite the fact that his partner has told him in depth how he feels about him, something about this one word is so uniquely powerful... so much so that Glacius feels the strength to lift his head, turning back towards Carlisle as he finally feels something good enough to smile about. It's still laced with pain, but it's a far cry better than any of the morose expressions he's been wearing for the past handful of days. He can't help the way the upwelling of emotion pushes him to lower his forehead towards his partner's as his great white hands come up to cradle the clergyman's face.

"Then you should act like it," the alien retorts, but his words are not as sharply chastising as they could be. In fact, he sounds more... relieved than anything else, maybe even a little bit bitterly amused, as if he can't believe something so good has come out of such awful circumstances. "When I want to stand up for you, when I want to stand beside you against the things that trouble you, stop fighting me at every turn. You cannot damn me to inaction--I will languish if I am unable to help you in any way, be it by action or word... because I love you too, Carlisle. I have for some time now. And there is no greater suffering than being turned away or to have my reassurances go ignored by the one I care so deeply for."

"Glacius," Carlisle starts, relieved that his revelation didn't somehow aggravate their argument, "you do more for me than you may ever know."

He closes his eyes, the cool touch of Glacius' hands against his face an immense comfort, as always. "In your company, I feel safer than I have in years. Your presence alone helps stave off my fears, allows me to sleep at night when I would otherwise be tormented by the depths of my nightmares. I have never had someone I could turn to so readily, and I suppose I was simply uncertain of whether or not I deserved such a treasure."

He brings his hand to the scar on Glacius' face, his fingers resting lightly along the marred angles of it. "Perhaps I don't deserve you, but... I want you, Glacius. I want you with me more than words can say. I am trying to do better by you and will endeavor to do more... with your help rather than alone."

Edited 2017-05-10 19:33 (UTC)

"I have been telling you that you deserve me ever since we fell into this," Glacius murmurs, tilting his head against Carlisle's hand, readily taking comfort from the soothing touch. "Perhaps now you will start listening to me, as I have just pleaded. I would never be dishonest with you, or with this relationship. And I appreciate your honesty here, I... I have been... hoping for this for some time."

The alien huffs up another tired, disbelieving little laugh, lowering his head enough to rub his nasal cap against the bridge of the clergyman's nose in a little eskimo kiss. "...I appreciate everything else that you said, too. I... I'm glad that I make a difference in your life, that my efforts to provide you with safety and security have not all been in vain. I just... it's hard, sometimes, like the night of the masquerade. You were so nervous and it almost ended up impacting our time together. But you came to me, and you let me help in the end which brought us closer together, and... I'm grateful for all of that. I know this is hard. I'm still learning how it all works, too. But... we must strive to learn it together. It's always been our best shot at getting through things, no?"

"Of course," he replies, pressing the bridge of his nose against Glacius in their not-quite-a-kiss. "Together."

While his words may not always bear as much honesty as Glacius would like, Carlisle tries to make sure his actions do: he keeps one hand on Glacius' scar as the other reaches around the alien's neck to pull him into some semblance of an embrace. Their physical closeness always takes Carlisle's mind off his troubles; he can only hope it might do the same for Glacius. It seemed to be working well earlier, before the topic turned unfortunately contentious.

An embrace seems only fitting to Glacius, given the heartfelt confession just a moment before, the loving support being shared between them. The big ice alien leans into the embrace, remains there for a moment, then takes it a step further by draping himself up his partner's partially-recline body once more. He likes it here--it makes him feel safe and supported, and the closeness suits the conversation they've fallen into.

"...Thank you for coming in here to be with me," Glacius eventually speaks up, his voice actually edging near a gentle purr. "I... I always feel better when you're around, and I'm glad I have a partner who is invested enough to come and try to pull me up out of the depths of my sorrow no matter how heavy the burdens dragging me down may be."

"Your burdens are partially mine, as well," he admits, leaning against the side of the bed once more as Glacius drapes himself across his him. "As much as it wounds you to see me suffering in any way, so it wounds me when the tables are turned."

Not that he doesn't miss Kate in his own way, of course, but he is assured she's better off at home. She always did talk about how much work there was to be done.

"Your empathy is appreciated," Glacius murmurs, nosing around the neck of Carlisle's sweater as if searching for an area of exposed flesh he can graze with his mandible. Soaking up his partner's affections and lavishing his own on him seems to be helping him take his mind off of how badly he'd been doing not just half an hour before. Still, he can't help but notice how comparatively unbothered his partner is.

"...You miss her too, though, do you not? You did live together for a time... I had assumed you two were friends."

Unfortunately, the thick knitting of the sweater Carlisle is wearing keeps his neck relatively covered. It's good for how cold it is in the room, but not so much for when his partner wants to nuzzle against his bare skin.

"We were," he returns, "or I assume as such. While her company will be missed, there is a reason I was happy to move in here with you, after all."

He gives Glacius a light smile, though he can't help but continue as his brow furrows. "I do wonder what the clinic will do in her absence. I cannot make the healing trinkets without her enchanting."

"Ah, yes. I remember you told me she and her friend did at times... impose upon your life. Still, she was a good person... a good friend. She would have fought for any one of us, I'm sure. You're right, she... will be missed."

Ah, damn... he's starting to lose it again. Carlisle's off-hand remark doesn't do justice to just how badly that will be so, and the more the alien thinks about her, the more he is reminded of it. His fingers curl more tightly in that thick-knitted sweater, and he tries to use the smooth curve of his forehead to maneuver the clergyman's head back so that he burrow properly again.

"The healing trinkets..." Glacius murmurs, his voice wavering as he tries to fight back another wave of emotion. He seems to be trying to focus on something else to lessen his pain, though the tactic is more like putting a dressing over a deeper wound which can only be truly healed and soothed by time "... What does it take for you to make them? Perhaps... perhaps we can carry it on in her honor..."

"I would need someone who knows how to enchant things, for a start," he answers as Glacius pushes against his jaw. His neck arches, head tilting back, giving the alien access to the bare skin beneath. "It is unfortunately a fickle art, and one I am not terribly versed in, myself."

He leans back further, feeling Glacius' mandible at his jaw. "I suppose I could ask around and see if anyone is, ah. An enchanter here. Of a different sort."

Though that would require him to actually ask.

Edited 2017-05-11 03:55 (UTC)

"What does it even require to enchant something to begin with?" Glacius replies, taking the opportunity to hide his face against Carlisle's neck now that he's been given space. He might be trying to distract himself with a topic other than Kate's disappearance, though it does little to hide the reason why they're having this conversation at all... at least learning of his partner's world is always interesting to him. Maybe that will help to cheer him up, or at least help give him a brief respite from all of the heavy thoughts that have been weighing him down recently.

"Someone who knows the proper incantations, for one," Carlisle explains, indicating that he is not that someone. "Most enchanters must pour their own energy into both the enchanting process and the spell they want to enchant an object with. What made Kate's ability extraordinary was that she was able to make everyday object susceptible to my own channels, meaning all I had to do was add my healing energies to them for them to work for anyone who would use them."

He sighs, one hand resting along Glacius' neck, the other gesturing with his words. "She could essentially make anything into a poor man's version of an Oriachne's Tear. I don't think she grasped how impressive that was."

And yet, she wasted such a skill on healing knickknacks. Alas.

Glacius goes quiet, trying to wrap his head around all the differences between the process of enchantment, spells, and channels. It would probably help if he had any experience with enchanting, or if he knew how Kate's powers worked... he wishes he had more time to talk to her.

Everything seems to come around to that in the end, and the alien gives a defeated sigh. "Sorry... I think this is all just getting jumbled in my head." Being mentally exhausted probably also has a lot to do with it. "She studied my own energies at one point, though I never heard if it lead to anything. I am unsure if our energies were as compatible as yours and mine seem to be..."

Carlisle hears that defeat in Glacius' tone, and attempts to ameliorate it. "Not all energies are compatible, my friend," he assures. "Many are not, in my world. To find someone with whom I can work is a true gift."

That went for Kate, as well, but he's mostly talking about his partner before him, whom he offers a soft smile.

That does seem to change Glacius' demeanor for the better. He shifts slightly against Carlisle, seems to pause as he considers the pros and cons of pulling his head out from the safe and comforting space underneath the human's jaw, then eventually decides he'd rather look into his partner's eyes for this. Arching his head up on that long curving neck so that he can meet his gaze without lifting himself out of his comfortably draped position, he regards the clergyman.

"Me too, Carlisle. I mean... I never expected to be compatible with a human in even the most official of ways. To find someone that I not only mesh with well, but that seems to be able to attune themselves to my metaphysical energies and pathways... it's unprecedented." He tilts his head, then his gaze becomes saddened again. "I'm extremely lucky to have you. I just wish there was a way where your channels didn't have to... exhaust you quite so much... I wish I could do more."

As always. Still, it's a line of thought that he'll no doubt come back to, when his mind isn't still sluggishly churning through a mire of grief and exhaustion.

Carlisle, too, is thankful he's able to attune his energies to the alien's, particularly when the warrior is in need of his healing expertise. He was lucky to have experience with doing so thanks to Algidus. It might have helped that the green alien was somehow related to his partner, perhaps truly him from another world and another time... a far more tragic one.

He stifles a sigh. He can ponder all he wants, but he may never truly know the true answer to the connection between the two aliens. Perhaps it's better that way, given their parting.

"Exhaustion is the unfortunate nature of my craft," he notes, running his hand along Glacius' spikes. "To be gifted in such an art is a blessing, one many are not allowed in my world. I have met more from others since I was taken from my home, but none quite like myself, for better or for worse."

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