hadriel_logs | hang on to your dreams

Entry tags:

hang on to your dreams

Who: Adam Parrish (

unknowable) and OPEN
What: Catch-all log for the month of February!
Where: Around the city
When: February 12-29 - put a date in your thread header if it matters!
Warnings: General stupid teenage boy-ness, swearing probably, possible mentions of violence

[a: scavenging]

[With a house full of teenage boys (and one raven) to feed, it's pretty normal for Adam to make supply runs, picking up whatever he can find from one of the many stores scattered around the city. It seems like the offerings are different every time he goes out, which at least makes it interesting. The basics can be counted on: strange, unfamilar fruit with occasional apples or oranges or bananas mixed in, cans of odd soups, boxes of various other foods. Right now, Adam is holding a box of cereal. The front says Fruit Spins in cursive print, and there's something that resembles a toucan but definitely isn't one.]

Well... I guess that's close enough.

[Adam's tone is extremely doubtful, but he looks like he's planning to take the box anyway.]

[b: park]

[It's not a forest, and it's not Cabeswater, but the trees in the park are real, and that offers Adam some kind of comfort. He misses home the same way he always has - shamefully, resentfully, angry at himself for letting Henrietta and the doublewide trailer he spent most of his life in have such a hold on him. He's always wanted to get out, desperately, always worked for that, but he wonders sometimes if there's no real way to shake the dust off his shoes. If, no matter where or how far he goes, there will always be some disgusting part of him that misses it.

But there's nothing wrong with missing Cabeswater. Well, it's with him, even now, but not the real thing. He can't walk under the trees or feel the pulse of the ley line. This is the closest he can get.

He lays on the grass under one of the trees, looking up at the light through the leaves. Like this, he can almost pretend he isn't in a cave. He can let his thoughts drift, let himself just be.

He almost falls asleep, until the sound of a footstep jolts him out of his reverie. He sits up, suddenly, and looking in that direction, a bit like a startled deer.]

[c: at home]

[Plenty of things to do at the raven boy house, which is not and never will be named something silly like Monmouth II. Adam tries to keep it a few steps below 'disaster area', which is not so very easy to do when they're all teenage boys and one of them is Ronan Lynch. He also tries to make sure they have food and other supplies - not out of a desire to take care of his friends, but out of his basic practical nature. Ronan doesn't care about these things at all, Gansey is too easily caught up in books and new amazing things, and Noah is a ghost. Adam might as well try to make sure they have dishes to eat off of and food to eat from those dishes.

Anyway, he does better when he has things to do. At home, Adam barely had an hour or two of free time here and there. Here, his time is free unless he fills it with things, and so he does, because he doesn't really know how to handle actual free time anymore.

Right now, he's in the kitchen, mundanely washing dishes. He figured the sink out long ago, at least, so that's good. He'll come to the door, if it's knocked on, or he'll allow himself to be disturbed, but otherwise - today Adam Parrish will be playing the part of underpaid (well, unpaid) dishwasher.]

[d: let me know if you'd like to do something else and I'll write up a starter for you!]

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[ Gansey shakes his head, rejecting that. It's not stupid, he doesn't think that at all. He would have hated it if this had been something they couldn't talk about. ]

It wasn't stupid when you were dating Blue. It's not stupid now.

[ He leans back, resting against the counter and folding his arms. ]

I thought you were still caught up on her, you know. You were, last time we talked about any of this.

[ Adam's had a greater distance from all of that, of course, but Gansey's coming from a place where he was directly worried about it. That's the strangest thing about all of this; not that Adam has feelings for one of their friends, but that it's entirely different to the friend he'd imagined. ]

It was pretty stupid when I was dating Blue, too.

[Because emotions and relationships are stupid and Adam is bad at them, basically. He only wishes he could deal with people as easily as Gansey does.

He's quiet for a moment, not sure how to explain when things have been so different for them.]

For me, it's been almost a year since that was over. And - honestly, Gansey, I was well on my way to getting over it even before we were taken.

[Because he'd liked Blue - a lot - but he hadn't been in love with her. Maybe if things had been different he could have been, eventually, if he's even capable of loving anyone. But they weren't, and so the point is moot. They'd been done for a couple months when Adam and the others were taken from Henrietta, and the sting of it had dulled considerably. And since then there's been months of awful things, and a few good things, and Ronan. His feelings for Blue are settled, and have been for some time.]

I liked her a lot, but I really wasn't suited to be with anyone. I'm probably still not.

[And he knows that. Adam knows he's not really suited for human company, for love or romance or any of those things. He ruined it with Blue, he's probably ruined it with Ronan too, and how much worse will that be after everything they've shared?]

[ Gansey's smile is a little crooked. ]

It's news to me. I thought...you were still caught up in her, and that if anyone else...

Then that would bother you.

[ Oh, this is going wonderfully. Everyone thinks Gansey is so terribly eloquent, so good with words. He's not. Not when it really matters, when he's talking to his friends. Then, the right thing becomes impossible to find. And then his friends make ridiculous proclamations, like that they're not suited for romance, like it's another thing they can't have.

Gansey wishes he knew how to fix it. All of it. He ends up giving a little shake of his head. ]

Don't say that. Just because it didn't work with her, doesn't mean it won't work with him. It's not the same.

[ And it has to do with how Ronan feels, not just how Adam feels. He's got to talk to him, see what his side to all of this is. It can't be what Adam thinks. Ronan wouldn't do that. ]

[He shrugs, a little awkward.]

She's not my property. I'm pretty sure she'd yell at us both for even implying it. I don't think it would bother me.

[And if it did, it wouldn't be because he still wants Blue. It would be because Adam doesn't need another reminder that he's not good enough - not for anyone, not for Blue, not for Ronan, not for their schoolmates or his father. For Cabeswater, maybe. He always has Cabeswater.

But regardless, Adam can't imagine that he would be brokenhearted over Blue with someone else. That's over and done with, for both of them. He's moved on, even if it's not working out. It would be ridiculous to act like she can't do the same thing.]

It might not be the same, but it's pretty similar. Neither of them wanted to kiss me, and Ronan doesn't even have the excuse of a curse.

[He wouldn't fuck it up in the same way he did with Blue, he doesn't think - he's got a better handle on himself, on Cabeswater, on his anger, and anyway Ronan has enough anger of his own, it wouldn't be the end of the world if Adam lost his temper. But all that really means is that Adam can fuck it up in new and delightful ways.]

[ Gansey watches him carefully, gauging all of that. Maybe that means it’s okay. Maybe it means that he and Blue could…

Be something, anyway, even if they couldn’t properly be together. Even if her curse still prevented that. Maybe he could talk to her, if all of this is the same when next he sees her. It probably doesn’t matter right now. There’s nothing that he can do about it anyway.

He does feel for Adam, though. He knows things didn’t end well between them and that must make it harder with Ronan. It couldn’t not. ]

You don’t know what his excuse was, and you won’t unless you ask him. This isn’t your fault, Adam. It’s not that simple. It wasn’t with Blue, and it won’t be with Ronan either.

Don’t think so lowly of yourself. You’re better than that.

[ Honestly, who wouldn’t want to kiss Adam? The thought that it could somehow be a failing of his just doesn’t make sense to Gansey. There are few people he rates as highly as Adam Parrish. It just happens to be that Blue and Ronan are two of them. ]

[He doesn't think Gansey would understand if he tried to explain. It was his fault, Blue had every right to be sick of him and his anger and his everything. Ronan has a right to not want that, either, and that would be Adam's fault, too. He tries - he tries very hard - but he knows he's not really good enough, even if he wants to be.

But even knowing it's his own fault doesn't mean it's easy to accept. It doesn't mean that he doesn't want more, that he doesn't wish someone would give him a chance for once, let him try. It doesn't mean he's any less frustrated and disappointed when things don't work out. More, maybe, because he should have been able to do better.

He knows that Gansey will just argue with him if he says any of that, though, so he doesn't.]

I'll talk to him. Even if there isn't a reason, even if he just doesn't - want me, I don't want things to stay like this. It's uncomfortable. We have to live together.

[And he can't deal with avoiding Ronan, not meeting his eyes, only talking to him when necessary. It would be awkward with any of them, but he and Ronan have grown so close over the past months. He doesn't know how to handle it.]

Don't worry about it, Gansey. I'll take care of it.

[ Gansey nods. His face is still worried, still clearly concerned for Adam. Things are uncomfortable, and that’s the main reason he brought this up. What he hadn’t expected was for Adam to blame himself so much. And he should have expected that, he thinks. He should have known. ]

Okay. I know you will.

I’m sorry, though. I only ever expected a fight. I didn’t realize…how much more there was.

[ Or how strongly it would be bothering Adam. ]

Listen, don’t think you have to keep this to yourself anymore. If you ever want to talk about it, you know where I am.

[ As for ‘not worrying’, there’s little to know chance of that. He’ll worry about them both now, until there’s some resolution to this. And depending on what the resolution is, he’ll worry even then. ]

[He shrugs. Gansey doesn't need to apologize, and certainly doesn't owe Adam one, but he understands the impulse. Gansey accidentally stepped into something far more tangled than he realized, and he's always been a good friend - too good to just let something like that uncomfortably pass him by.]

There wasn't any way for you to know. Neither of us told you.

[Until now, anyway, and though talking about it to Gansey is sort of a weight off Adam's shoulders, it's still awkward and strange. This isn't like when he asked for help with Blue - neither of them knew her that well then, she was still just a girl, an interesting and appealing one but not yet part of their friendship. Ronan is Ronan, he's been Gansey's best friend for longer than Adam's been part of their lives. It's different.]

I don't want you to feel like you have to mediate, or keep secrets from him, or anything.

[Adam knows that he could easily mess things up, change the balance of their friendship, and not in a good way. He's afraid of that, he always was. That's why he hesitated over his feelings for so long. He can't lose Ronan, even if he can't have him, either.]

What we've all already got is more important than - that.

[ Gansey’s smile is a little wry. While it was true that they’d never told him, he isn’t sure that it follows that he should not have guessed. They’re his best friends. He spends more time around them than anyone else, even more than around Noah or Blue. It’s been Gansey, Ronan and Adam for a long time, even at school. They’re inseparable.

And now they could be inseparable, and Gansey would be…not part of that, which is a very strange thought. He hasn’t totally acclimatized to that yet. What he does know, though, is that his feelings on that score can’t be allowed to matter. They are more important. Gansey can’t believe that Adam is right about Ronan pushing him away. Ronan’s friends have always meant more to him than that. There’s some disconnect here, and they need to untangle it. What happens at the end of that is between the two of them, as it should be.

Gansey pushes his own worries down. He won’t let them get in the way. ]

If that’s true, then what we’ve got won’t go anywhere. Adam, I’m not walking away from either of you. Work this out. I want you both to be happy, and…

You don’t need to keep it hidden. Especially if you’re upset, Jesus. Do you really think I wouldn’t want to hear it just because it’s Ronan? I’m still your friend. I always will be.

[It's not that he thinks Gansey wouldn't want to hear it, but rather that he doesn't want Gansey to feel like he has to take sides. A large part of that is because it would be unfair to Gansey, but - shamefully - a smaller part of it is that Adam doesn't think his would be the side Gansey chose. He doesn't want to ever face that, or the possibility of it.]

You're his friend too. You shouldn't have to be in the middle. And honestly... I mean, he probably needs that kind of thing more than I do.

[Because Ronan's had a family, brothers, a mother and father, people to turn to when he needed to have a sounding board or a shoulder to cry on. Adam's never had any of that, doesn't even know how to ask for it. Ronan has always needed to lean on Gansey more than Adam has, because Adam has never been able to lean on anyone. Adam wouldn't want to take that away from him just out of frustration and weakness.]

It's okay. It'll be okay. I'll figure it out, and we'll get things back to normal. I just... I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to get hurt. It's all stupid.

[Adam shrugs, manages to summon up something a little bit like a smile.]

We'll work it out. Trust me.

I don’t want you to hurt him, either. Or get hurt yourself.

[ Ronan has lost a lot of people that meant something to him. His father, his mother for a while, the home they shared. Even Declan, with whom he’d had a better relationship before Niall’s death.

Adam has lost people too. His own parents. But for him, being away from them, being independent, is a strength in a way that it isn’t for Ronan. Gansey knows that.

But Adam has just stood here in surety of his own feelings, telling Gansey not only that he cares about Ronan, but that it’s only Ronan, for him. Most people don’t have that sort of certainty, and if that’s where this comes from, then it’s enough. ]

I trust you, though. If you’re sure of this, then I’m sure of you. And you’re both my best friends, Adam. I’ll be here for either one of you. It’s never going to be a choice.

[ Because Gansey will not let it be. He will not play favorites, even now. He’d fought that accusation when they were jealous of each other, and if need be, he’ll fight Adam’s self-deprecation, too. ]

[He looks at Gansey, and he wants to believe that. Part of him does, but part of Adam is always doubtful. It's so hard to be certain that he matters to anyone, that he would be held in the same esteem as someone like Ronan, who might be angry and sometimes cruel, but is always loyal and deserving of love.

But Gansey tries to be so careful, tries to treat them the same. And Adam isn't jealous of Ronan's place in his life - or at least, no more so than he is jealous of Gansey's place in Ronan's. He just has to try to believe that whatever happens between him and Ronan, it won't change his friendship with Gansey.]

Thanks.

[It's all he can say. In all of this, Adam can only be sure of his own feelings. He has to try to do the right thing, which is not something he has faith he's good at. But he'll try.]

I'm not going to make you have to choose.

[He sighs, quietly, and runs a hand through his already messy hair.]

Anything else you want to to know?

[Adam wants a little time to himself to think, but he doesn't want to just abandon Gansey to all of this.]

[ Gansey doesn't think that he could choose. It would be like choosing between his left hand and his right. Ronan and Adam are both his best friends. At times he's closer to one of them than the other, but that's a balance that swings like a pendulum. Gansey feels constantly drawn to both of them.

And besides that, they are both easy to love. Far easier, in truth, than Adam thinks. ]

No. Well, I mean to say...

I didn't know what question I was asking. If I had, I'd have been more careful. I didn't mean to force this on you.

[ This conversation. This revelation. Generally speaking, he thinks that it's best to let both Adam and Ronan talk in their own time. Demanding their secrets from them rarely gets him very far, and given that this has, he's aware that Adam probably needs time to think. He knows him, after all. And the dishes are done. He doesn't need to linger, and doesn't think that Adam wants him to. ]

I should see where Noah is. I'll see you later?

It's okay. It's better that you know.

[Because he knows that they weren't very good at hiding it, he knows that it was clear something was wrong between him and Ronan. At least this way Gansey isn't stumbling through the situation blind. And Adam got to talk to someone about it - who else would he have talked to, if not Gansey? There aren't many people in Adam's life he can turn to for that sort of thing, after all.

It really is better that Gansey knows, even if Adam isn't sure how he's going to resolve to situation yet. But he will try.]

Yeah. I'll be here.

[He manages a thin smile. Where else would he go? Really, he only wants to retreat to his room and think things over. Gansey will be okay.]

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hang on to your dreams

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