hadriel_logs | Event log: Who What Where Wendigo

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Event log: Who What Where Wendigo

Who: Everyone participating in the wendigo event!
What: The accidental-cannibalism-turned-horrifying-monster event that is the Who What Where Wendigo event!
Where: All around the city
When: Feb 14th-March 1st
Warnings: Cannibalism, body horror, evil monsters lurking around.

Don't forget to check up on the Wendigo Guide that Ami posted!

On February 14th, Rage and Fear decide to give Hope a little bit of help taking care of the residents of Hadriel - they'll provide some food for awhile. How nice! Except, of course, that there's an extra ingredient in this food. A can of beef stew? Yeah... that might not be beef. But hey, it still tastes pretty good! Unfortunately, some spirits slipped through the Door last time it opened, and they're ready to possess anyone who participates in cannibalism - even if they don't know it.

Anyone who eats the provided meat will be possessed by a wendigo spirit. Over the course of twelve days, they will transform into a monster that feels little but rage and hunger. While at first it can be explained away easily enough (people are super annoying, and isn't everyone a little hungry most of the time?), by February 18th, wendigo transformations are impossible to ignore. A few days after, on February 22nd, the anger and cravings of the wendigo spirit will overcome all other emotions, and possessed characters may begin hunting.

The physical and mental transformation will be complete by February 26th. The possessed characters will have lost themselves completely at that point. While physical healing (done by a character with Hope's blessing or another healing ability) can turn back the physical and some mental effects, they will remain possessed until death or until Hope removes the wendigo spirit - which can only be done on the altar of Hope's temple. So have fun dragging your angry, possessed friends there!

On March 1st, Rage does Hope a solid (because she feels sort of bad) and kills all remaining wendigos. Upon revival, the spirit will be gone and the character will be fully recovered. Hopefully no one holds what they did while possessed against them!

► This log covers February 14th-March 1st.
► Feel free to make your own logs, as well
► Please tag headers of threads with content warnings where they apply
► Please put your character's name and open/closed in the subject line of your starters!
► Please report any character deaths right here!

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[Noah doesn't respond to the question if that's how he thinks of himself with words, only gives Gansy a wry and slightly exasperated expression.

He tries not to be a downer, tries to make people happy, because Noah is uniquely situated to understand how little in life actually matters and how much making people's lives easier and better does matter in reflection to that.

He's also a murder victim. That doesn't come with a lot of pleasant strings tied to it.]

I feel ... a little hungry. And cold. Irony.

[He starts with the mundane first because that's easier.]

It isn't as bad the second time. I - I know what I'm expecting now.

[He realizes belatedly he's still holding on to Gansey and sort of reluctantly lets go of the other boy, rubbing one of his arms, bare without the sweater over his t-shirt.]

[ Physical worries. Well, those are the kind that are easily helped. Gansey isn’t fool enough to think they are all that will matter. He doesn’t know how easy he’ll be able to help the rest, honestly. But he’ll try. He’s so intent on trying, because he wants this for Noah. He badly wants him to be happy, to enjoy the life that never should have been taken from him.

He lets go only when Noah does, and then stays close to him. ]

Hot food will warm you up. Come on, I’ll make you something. I can successfully operate the microwave at least sixty-five percent of the time.

[ It won’t be gourmet, but it will be warm. If only there was a pizza place they could go! Gansey would give almost anything for that. He’s so very focused on Noah right now, but he’s careful, too. ]

Adam told me that this happened before, in the other world. He said it freaked you out. Is it better now?

[Noah doesn't make a joking comment about 'sixty-five, really? that's gotta be a record'. It's on the tip of his tongue, but he thinks too long about it and the moment passes. Instead he just follows Gansey towards the kitchen.

He hesitates a bit when Gansey mentions the time before this happened. Noah already did, too, but the 'Adam said' makes him a bit more wary. Will he have to explain how he died again, why he didn't get instantly revived? He's got to be careful.]

Yes. Before I - I didn't know what was happening, and ... I don't know if he said, but we'd all been separated. So I - I wasn't alone, but there was no one I knew. It was like a week or two before we were allowed to find each other again.

[ Gansey is searching their stores for something palatable. Eventually he comes across something that looks like canned chocolate pudding. Satisfied, he grabs a can opener, and works it across the metal while Noah talks.

It's a good distraction for how uncomfortable this makes him. He hates thinking of any of them in that situation. ]

He told me about the train. How all of you were in separate carriages.

[ He looks up. ]

That must have been awful. You told me once that you didn't know how to be the person you used to be, anymore. Is that still how you feel?

[Noah does his sort of awkward nearby hovering, unsure if he should help, how he should help if so, and ultimately too unsure if he should say anything about it at all. Gansey will say if he needs Noah to do something, right? Right.

He leans against the counter, watching Gansey work, only to look away when Gansey looks up. There's no reason to, it's just a strange thing to get used to again, being visible all the time. He nods a bit stiffly.]

I don't think there's any going back to the person I used to be. ... I - I mean, that's probably a good thing, I guess. But the parts that I lost ... they're still gone. I'm just more aware of it now, like this. [Noah sighs, shifting his weight from one foot to the other, wrapping his arms around himself again.] Before - it was easier when I was upset, too, because I'd just kind of stop if I got too ... too anything. Now I just have to - to 'ride it out'.

[When you spend years relying on being able to avoid most problems, suddenly being forced to deal with something as simple as a headache after crying is borderline unbearable.]

[ Gansey watches him, expression careful. He’s trying to look as neutral as possible, and not let any of his worry shine through, because he suspects that would make Noah feels worse. He doesn’t want any of this to be diminished; he wants to know how Noah is really coping with this, and if he’s not coping well, then he wants to know how he can help.

In the end, it’s as much Noah’s body language as what he says that makes Gansey put the can down, and come close to him. The way he’s holding himself -

Jesus, poor Noah. Gansey touches his arm. ]

No one likes to be upset, or emotional…whatever you want to call it. Everyone rides it out in their own way, and there’s no one to say any one way is better than another.

But you aren’t by yourself. You never have to ride it out alone, Noah. And as for what you lost, well. I’m quite fond of the person you are, honestly.

[Noah jumps when Gansey touches his arm as he had been looking at anyplace except the other boy, but he doesn't actually pull away from it at all. Noah lacks the stubborn pride of Adam, even of Ronan. He's just so stupidly pleased to be thought of and noticed at all, the concern is a welcome thing even if he's still figuring out how to accept it.

The words are a comfort. They're a lot like what Adam told him, and maybe if Noah hears it enough it'll finally sink in.]

Thanks. That means a lot to me, Gansey... though I was a real shitbag before, so. So it isn't hard to be more likable than that. And there's always alcohol for the emotions, the next best thing to not being conscious.

[ Gansey sighs. When he said no one way was better than another, this was not what he meant. ]

That doesn't actually count as dealing with them, you know. Shutting them off isn't going to be good for you. Feeling is all part of being alive, Noah.

[ It's important. And necessary, Gansey thinks, even if that's also painful. ]

I don't think you should be so down on yourself. You're a good friend. That doesn't stop being true now that you aren't a ghost.

[Noah knows that isn't what Gansey meant, not really. It's just... such a difficult thing. Being alive. It's not the same as being alive after being dead. They aren't truly comparable states of being. In his own way, Gansey's the only one that understands. He sighs, shifts his weight on his feet again and braces his hands against the counter to lean back against it, not looking at Gansey.]

You don't actually know that though. You only knew me when I was dead.

[ Gansey takes in his look, his posture, the way his eyes have dropped. He can’t argue his way through a mood like that. But this is Noah, he thinks, all of a sudden. He can’t argue his way with Noah at all. Noah’s not that kind of person. He hates conflict even more than Gansey.

Of course he does. He’d died when his best friend turned on him, murdered him. Who wouldn’t hate conflict, having been through that?

He doesn’t touch Noah this time. He only moves close, and lowers his voice to make it gentle, and intimate in being gentle. ]

You say that as though dying is the only thing that makes people change. No one is what they were seven years ago. I’m not. You don’t have to be.

You’re my friend. You’re a good friend. I know that because I know you, as you are, not as you were. All you have to be is yourself, Noah.

[Noah wants to make a joke, some comment to break the suddenly heavy air. 'You're way different than your seven years ago self, you're taller' something like that. Nothing sounds like a clever way to phrase it, though, and by then the moment has passed. He moves a fraction closer instead - still not touching, still not quite looking at Gansey, but wanting to show that the companionship isn't unwelcome. That Gansey isn't unwelcome as Noah tries to gather his scattered thoughts. Even those came easier when he was dead, most days. The good days - and in the bad ones, he barely noticed their absence.

Nothing is what he wants to say aloud. 'You died seven years ago too' 'it wasn't your fault' 'I was dead when you arrived because I asked to be' 'Thank you'. Every confession on the tip of his tongue before aborting into more awkward silence.]

... I don't know if you can fix this.

['This' meaning 'me'. Gansey's words able to bring the dead from sleeping back to wakefulness, but Noah's been dead for too long, and his life was used to pay for someone else's. A transaction, not a robbery, even if he wasn't given the choice in the matter. There's nothing accusing about his tone, just the soft understanding that came with telling Gansey he wasn't sure he knew how to be alive anymore back at Monmouth - of telling Gansey not to be afraid.]

Thank you, though.

[For the trying. It's an uphill battle with no guaranteed payoff - Noah hates being dead, hates the decay of it, but nothing felt as good as the relief that came right before he faded away the first time after dying again.]

[ Noah looks so low. He's still not looking at Gansey, and if anything, he seems more upset than he was at the beginning of all this. That's not what Gansey wants. He sees this sadness in all of his friends, to an extent. All of them have some level of wanting, of needing, and of not really knowing how to fill that need. It's a feeling that Gansey recognizes in no small part because he feels it himself, and feels it all the time. It's always there.

But he feels it particularly at night, and when he's alone. That's why he can't leave Noah alone, why he can't walk away from any of them.

He doesn't see it as trying to fix them. That word sends a spike of guilt through his chest, and causes an immediate, internal refusal. No, his friends are not broken things that he needs to fix. They've just been hurt. They've been through awful things, and they're not happy anymore, and if Gansey can just find that crucial thing to make them happy, then they'll be all right. They will all be all right. Just like he will be all right when he finds Glendower, and finally understands --

But it's a childish belief, and he knows it even while those thoughts rise to the surface again. There is no easy way to make any of them all right. Noah is standing here as evidence of that. In their own world, Gansey had thought that if he could just bring Noah back, then he'd be okay.

But now he's alive. And he's not okay.That spike of guilt bleeds slowly into some other feeling, less easy to identify and altogether more painful. He hears his own words as if they're said by someone else, much further away. ]

That's just the thing. You don't need fixing.

I just want you to be happy.

[ Stupid, meaningless and childish words. He knows it. He berates himself for it, and he says it anyway. ]

Noah.

[ That's more quiet, and feels more real. For a moment, he searches for other words to follow it, and none of them seem better than what he said before. So in the end, he closes the slight distance between them to pull Noah into his arms - like he did at the door, but more gentle. He wants to comfort, and his words aren't doing it. They're not enough.

For once, perhaps, words just aren't enough at all. ]

[Noah is not as surprised by Gansey's touch this time. He lets himself be pulled into the embrace, lets himself rest his weight against Gansey's solid form. Their rock, their immovable fixed northern star that they all follow, all place their trust in.

How that faith must weigh on him. Noah used to know, he still does to a certain extent, but he is acutely aware of knowledge he used to have that is now gone of things that have not yet happened (they have always happened and will continue to happen). Leading them, being there for all of them and holding their faith the way Gansey does - it's not something Noah could do, not ever, not in any lifetime. He lets out a sort of stuttering sigh, resting his head against Gansey's shoulder, bringing an arm around him to hang loosely onto the back of Gansey's shirt again.

A lighthouse, a northern star, a lifeline to hold onto.

Somtimes there aren't any words, there's just the quiet knowledge of companionship, a support between one person and another. He didn't mean to turn the conversation this way. Gansey already has so much to deal with to acclimate himself again to this place with no memory of being here before, but god - Noah and Ronan couldn't keep it together, Adam was barely holding on with no help from them at all. Every time Noah thinks about Gansey gone, the relief rushes back in like the tide that he's back.

Noah's voice is quiet when he speaks, audible only because of his close proximity to Gansey in the first place.]

I am happy, sometimes.

[Not always. Sometimes. But sometimes is more than a lot of people get. People who never died at all.]

It isn't your fault, what happened to me.

[ Gansey wraps him up tightly, showing no sign of moving back or letting go. That sometimes is heartbreaking, since it means that the rest of the time, Noah isn't. there's something terrible in the thought that being alive again would not solve that problem, and may even make it worse.

It shouldn't be surprising, though. Gansey ought to know better. He ought to have understood, because after all, he has not found peace in living. Why should he expect it of anyone else?

He's reminding himself of that, when Noah's words send a chill through his chest. It isn't your fault.

He feels his eyes close. The words that leave him are not entirely planned, and seem to come out whether he wants them to or not. ]

I didn't ask for it.

[ To be brought back at Noah's expense. To be brought back at all. It just happened. But that makes the cost no less real. ]

I want to make it better. You deserve to be alive. It shouldn't have to be a choice.

[ And if it is, then why was Gansey chosen instead? He's not better than Noah. What made him deserving of that privilege? It should have been him. Gansey died from natural causes. Noah was attacked. It shouldn't have been Noah.

It should have been me. ]

I know.

[That Gansey didn't ask for it, that he didn't make the choice, that he wants to make it better and all that. Noah's not certain he deserves to be alive, no more than anyone else. Gansey knows what it means to be dead, if only briefly. Gansey knows what it means to be on borrowed time.]

Neither of us had a choice.

[Gansey being a child is no more guilty than Noah's trust of the wrong person. Noah's inclined to think it's less - they always say hindsight is 20/20, and that's even more true when you're connected to a magical source of ancient power and drawing from it, seeing the same time used up and reused over and over again.

He told Gansey before, on the train, before Gansey died there. He almost doesn't then - the anxiety of what if one inconsequential act caused the horrific later events, even though he knows they had nothing to do with one another. Noah's hand tightens on the back of Gansey's shirt.]

... If I had a choice, though... for one of us to live ... I would choose you.

[It's a terrible burden, being alive, having so many things weighing on you. Noah squeezes his eyes shut, drawing in another shaking breath.]

Whether or not I was supposed to die - you have to live. It had to be you.

[ It had to be you. It makes Gansey ache, makes his chest strain painfully as though there's a hole inside it.

Why did it have to be him? How did he deserve to live any more than Noah? The answer resounds very clearly in him; he doesn't deserve it. He'd stood on a nest of hornets. He'd been unwary, and he'd stood on it, and the hornets had stung him in vast numbers and his allergy had done the rest.

It hadn't been fair, of course. How could it be? Death was never really fair for anyone, but it had been natural. It had been caused, if by anything at all, by Gansey's own foolishness. Even at ten years old, he should have known better than to play in the trees like that. He should have been watching where he put his feet. But Noah? Noah had been murdered. No blame is on his shoulders. Life had been taken from him, and it isn't right.

His arms tighten around his friend. This is a thing they so rarely talk about, and it's painful now. Gansey has never done well with confronting his own fears. It's so much easier to bury them, to lock them away. His jaw touches against Noah's shoulder, and he realizes he's leaned his head down. ]

I don't deserve it more than you.

[ HIs words are quiet, very nearly whispered. ]

Someone decided that for me. I want to make it right, Noah. I want to choose you.

[ He makes himself lean back to see Noah's face. Gansey's voice strengthens. ]

I said I would, when I found Glendower. But these gods brought you back, Noah. You have a choice now. Please don't run from it this time. I promise you, I will help you cope with it.

You're so quick to say you'd die for me. Can you live, instead?

[Dying is awful, but it's comparatively easy. Running away, hiding, that's more Noah's style than facing a problem head-on.

Noah doesn't want to look at Gansey when he pulls back, doesn't want to see the expectation there, the faith Gansey has in him for some reason Noah can't really fathom except it's an intrinsic part of Gansey's nature to have faith in people. That that faith often brings it out.

What if there's nothing there for Gansey to bring out in Noah, though? Noah couldn't live with himself if he failed Gansey that way. Nevermind that Noah's inability to live with himself was part of the problem that lead to this in the first place.]

...I can try.

[The trying is all Noah can promise, and he still can't look at Gansey when he says it, his voice soft and apologetic.]

It isn't your fault if I fail, though.

[ That's not exactly a resounding proclamation, but Gansey didn't really expect it to be. Noah is clearly struggling, and has been for some time. Gansey knows that there are months he doesn't remember, split between this world and the last that his friends had been in. Being alive again is not actually new for Noah, and this is still how he feels.

It's not going to be easy. Gansey holds him a little tighter. ]

I'll do whatever I can to help you. I may not remember everything we've been through together, but I can be here for you now.

You're not going to fail.

[ So, the part about it not being his fault? It's a fair bet he hasn't taken that on board. It's Gansey, after all. He'll not be told he isn't responsible for his friends' happiness. What is he good for, if not that? ]

[In truth, Noah's glad that Gansey can't remember. He'd tried to comfort Gansey as best he could back on the stop where the poison finally set it, talked him gently through his last conscious moments before the seizures took him, then death. Again.

Gansey had come back, but he was never really the same after that.

That Gansey can't remember that now, it's a blessing.]

It isn't just for you.

[The admission is a quiet, reluctant one, but Gansey had doubted why it had to be him to live. Noah had to tell him. He had to know that, at least.]

You saved Adam and Ronan, you know. Without you, they... [Ronan would probably be dead, spiraled down into his own self-destruction with no one there to hold him back from the worst of it. Adam - Adam would have probably survived, because Adam is a survivor, but there's a difference between living and being alive. Noah finally looks up to Gansey, finally meets his eyes so Gansey can see that he means this.]

I'll do my best to live now, but ... One life for three. That's why it had to be you.

[ Gansey blinks. Saved them?

He’d tried to. He’d tried to keep Ronan balanced, and in school, and alive when he’d thought he was suicidal. He’d tried to get Adam away from his father. He’d tried to support them both.

Uncomfortable, he looks away from Noah. ]

I don’t know about that. I don’t know how much help I ever was.

[ It’s honesty so stark that he couldn’t have said it to either of them. Had he ever really helped them, or had they done that for themselves? Adam had left his father on his own terms, helped more by Ronan than by Gansey. Speaking of which… ]

And they have each other, now. They didn’t before. They don’t need me as much as you think.

[ Or as much as Gansey thought. The knowledge of that flutters in Gansey’s chest, carrying anxiety along with it. He knows that’s foolish, and unreasonable. That whatever is between Adam and Ronan now does not change what he has with either of them.

Fear is not so easy to wash away with logic. They still care about him. They’re not going to pull away from him just because they’re together. He can’t think about that. ]

I’m just their friend. Like I’m yours, but the difference is I can help you. You have to stop thinking I’m more important, Noah. You’ve got to value yourself. I do.

[Noah sighs, looking away again, resting his head on Gansey's shoulder so he has an excuse to break the eye contact.]

... I'll try.

[He's still perfectly unconvinced, but he knows Gansey is certain about his own feelings. Sometimes Gansey misses the forest for the trees. That metaphor becomes very ironic when tied to a magically sentient forest, on that note.]

... You're still important to them, even if they're busy kissing each other now. They wouldn't have met without you.

[ Gansey lets him lean away, not trying to enforce eye contact again. He keeps his arms around Noah, though. That, at least, seems to be helping a little.

His tone turns a little wry. ]

Yes, I suppose there's that. I never thought matchmaking was a specialty of mine.

I want them to be happy. I just didn't see this coming. [ A pause, while he considers his friend. Noah had always known more than seemed probable. ] You did, though, didn't you? You probably have for a while.

[Noah shrugs a little bit.

Yes, he had. Not this exact set of circumstances, but he had watched Ronan's anger come to a rolling boil when Adam started dating Blue, saw that it was more than just the way Ronan is possessive of his friends. He saw that when Ronan was not looking at Adam, sometimes Adam was looking at him.

He's watched his friends in a fixed orbit around each other for some time. Adam and Ronan. Gansey and Blue. The inevitabilities of the rotations they fit into, caught in the gravitational pull of each other.]

You didn't see how bad they've been the last few months. It's been awful.

[ Gansey isn't aware of it to that extent, even now. He thinks that what he's discovered here has made some of the last few months at home make sense, though. All the time they'd spent together without him, while he was with Blue. He had only barely noticed it, primarily because he'd been distracted by Blue. ]

Has it? Why? I thought this was a relatively recent thing. Obviously, I knew they weren't really speaking when I arrived.

You didn't have to live with the tension for the last few months.

[Everything leading up to the kiss was terrible. Noah pulls back from the embrace then - they aren't talking about Noah's death, about Gansey's survivor's guilt. He wipes at his eyes quickly with the back of his hand, as if that'll hide the whole over emotional last few moments they shared.

He's not really embarrassed by it. All Noah is left is what Cabeswater salvaged from a dying boy, and even much of that has bled away, shame being a large part of what was lost. He doesn't want to overload Gansey, though. He still is settling in. He's always taken responsibility for their feelings, their problems.

Noah takes a deep breath and gives a sigh, leaning back against the counter again.]

I'm pretty sure that's what killed me. The yeti was incidental.

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