hadriel_logs | (open) i will never find a way to heal my soul

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(open) i will never find a way to heal my soul

Who: Atem and peeps. Open mostly, specially to anyone in the in the clinic.
What: Atem finally comes to after being attacked by Yukari, spends some time at the clinic being a massive grump, then goes home to grump a little more.
Where: Clinic / house 6-1
When: November 3rd- 14th
Warnings: Mentions of stitches and wounds ew, torture and blood. Other possible warnings in comments.

november 3rd | clinic | open to one trafalgar law

「He wakes. He wakes and all his being pushes him to scream, it is not possible for someone to withstand so much pain, so much cold. But he does not utter a sound. His body shivers from the cold, and he frantically looks around trying to get his bearings, trying to locate him, Yukari. He doesn't remember anything, just pain, and so much red, and the need to hurt that man as much as he possibly could, to stop him from going after someone else, then nothing, just nothing. He tries to sit up, failing completely, the ache down his chest forcing him to fall back onto the mattress and finally making him blurt out a pained cry.

It's been so long since he's felt this torment, this body is was not designed to endure so much punishment, it was a temporal vessel for his wandering soul. Why must he go through it all over again? Wasn't he done? Wasn't his time up? Why have they abandoned here...? Was he never good enough to move on, to go back home? -- Why is he here?!

Please end it, anyone, please just, end him.」

november 3rd - 12th | clinic | ota

「He should probably be sleeping instead of forcing himself to stay awake and even more so, forcing his dominant hand to play chess on his phone, or even to reply a few messages. Hell, he can barely hold the stupid phone, but he needs the distraction. Every time he goes to sleep, he sees his face, and then he remembers how stupid he was to give his trust away, again.

Meh, just meh...」

november 13rd - 14th | imported house 6-1 | open to bakura and anyone who asks idk (someone bring food to this child omg)

「Not being able to stay at the clinic any longer, because it is so damn depressing, Atem finally convinces them to let him go home, under the solemn promise that he would not do anything stupid. Like going outside and look for Yukari.

Being drained from the past days, he often finds himself simply sleeping, indulging into tiredness and allowing his vessel to regain its strength (not that he has many options controlling that...). But more than once, he finds himself bored to death and trying to get a hold of his cards, he can't. Having sliced through his fingers, trying to avoid Yukari's blade to go any further into his shoulder has made it impossible for now. It is so frustrating, so painful! 」

Dammit!

「It wouldn't be the first nor the last time during these days that he's absolutely tempted to toss his deck of cards to a close wall due sheer resentment, but he doesn't... Picking them up would be yet another pain in the ass.」

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I already talked.

「Not that it meant it had solved much, because if it had, why is he still so angry? He went ahead and opened a can of worms together with someone who is not opposed to retribution, as he wishes to call it. Yes, of course that means he talked to Law, a pirate of all people. It helped him, in the way he wanted, not the way he needed.」

Why was it a mistake?

「Cannot say he's a little curious.」

[He doesn't seem like he's talked, although Lance isn't about to question it; it's entirely possible he spoke with someone, since there's a reason why someone has to go through a lot of training to be a psychologist, and as much as talking to a friend might indeed help it's also rarely enough to address any more serious issues.]

I'm glad to hear that. It usually takes more than once, though, to benefit.

[Just so that's clear, both so Atem's aware in general and so that if he finds himself wanting to talk more he doesn't think that's a problem in itself. But at the question he shrugs, not really interested in going into more detail; he's already said a lot more than he normally would, and so he switches to a more generalized and less personal of an answer.]

Traumatic events, particularly those caused purposefully and violently by others, can potentially lead to lasting mental and emotional effects.

「Oh... is that it?」

You think this is traumatic?

「Oh boy, there is a little smirk taking shape, it doesn't reach his eyes. SHIELD ARE UP!」

But man, that explains a lot.

[Great. Well, he'd expected this to happen even earlier on, so he supposes he should be glad he got this far before it did.

Lance fixes Atem with a look, although his response is neutral.]

For some people, an event like this is traumatizing; for others it isn't. It depends on the situation, the individual, the immediate aftermath, and a myriad of other factors.

[And that said--]

But don't read too much into the word 'traumatizing', either; it comes with a lot of implications, but there isn't a better to term to replace it. Although impactful and meaningful could work in general, they tend to have positive connotations.

[Which makes them also inaccurate. But man, if Lance had gotten a raise for every time someone told him they weren't traumatized and therefore didn't need help, he could've just bought off everyone in the conspiracy that's going on back home and fixed it that way. That would've been great.]

「Excuse him while he's going through the events of his life, thinking what Lance just said. Of course it wasn't incredibly hard to figure it out why certain things went the way they did, he didn't need anyone to tell him that! But the fact is that no one had.」

Oh, no, it is traumatizing to have someone you thought you trusted slice your chest open, so, don't worry, Lance, you terminology works.

[Somehow, he doesn't especially like being right in this instance. He's also having a little difficulty predicting and understanding Atem's reactions, but that's not hugely surprising; they don't know each other well, people who have been through traumatic events can often act erratically, and they come from different worlds.

But it does mean Lance is silent several seconds, going over what Atem said--which actually says quite a lot in itself--and figuring out what is hopefully the best way to respond.]

A violent altercation usually has a very personal element to it, even between strangers. It's worse when it's someone you know, especially someone you liked or trusted.

[Stating the obvious, but sometimes it needs to be said. That personal aspect of things is often what causes the most trauma, and adding betrayal on top of it is a bad combination.]

「Stating the obvious indeed.」

Lance, what are you doing?

「He wants to help, he knows, and he can see what he's doing but he wants to hear it from him.」

[This is a lot easier when Lance can just lead people through the conversation and they go along with it, whether knowingly or unknowingly. He's been a little less successful than usual in the past few weeks in that regard, though; he's going to blame it on being tired or something. That's a good excuse.

But it doesn't get him out of answering the direct question, because sure he could deflect or redirect it but that would be incredibly obvious and probably a bit insulting. So instead, he offers a small shrug and a simple response.]

My job, primarily; I'm an FBI psychologist, so I often work with people who have been through something like this. As I said before, it's okay if you don't want to talk--whether to me specifically or anyone else--but I want to make sure you know that you have the option.

[He doesn't think they're going to get anywhere today, at this point, but he wants Atem to know that if he changes his mind in the future--and that Lance thinks it's for the best if he doesn't deal with this alone--then he can talk to him whenever.]

「If it hadn't been for the brief years spent in the modern world, the word's meaning would have escaped him, but he is aware to an extent of his profession, a type of doctor, in the end.

Atem sighs, heavily, tiredly.」

I already have a doctor, Lance, I'd rather speak to you as a friend.

「And even so... his stance might not differ that much.」

[Lance almost decides to make the distinction clear between himself and Law--mostly in that although Lance can do stitches and some other relatively basic forms of medical treatment he is definitely not a medical doctor, and in return he's sure Law can probably give some good advice but is absolutely not a psychologist--but then decides not to. That isn't the point, after all, and that's very clear in the rest of Atem's statement.

So after a moment he nods in understanding; talking to Atem as a friend rather than a professional limits some of what he can offer, in that it's often easier for people to talk about problems to someone there's a professional distance with, but it also allows for some things that would be unethical or borderline so if it were professional counseling and not a talk between friends.]

Okay, if that's what you want; it'd be kind of a nice change for me too, actually.

[It's meant to be a light comment, and it is, but he's also serious. With everything going on lately, between the Null and other issues, Lance is more than slightly burnt out; although he certainly won't turn anyone away who needs help, if he can be just as--if not more--helpful to Atem as a friend instead then he's more than happy to do so.]

「Oh, but he knows the difference, or at least he can see it, sense it even, in the way that Lance has been talking to him, so... professionally, he could say, he's not that dense. But if he were to try to explain, Atem would tell him that Law's type of doctor is the only one he needs. Of course, he doesn't but whatever.

... Heeeeeey.」

Wanna talk about it?

「Notice the smirk (a less defiant, less forced, more tired one), see if you like that, Lance.」

Absolutely not.

[It's without the slightest hesitation.]

And since I'm not a psychologist at the moment, that isn't hypocritical of me to say.

[Also gosh Atem, so rude, but Lance's tone is still light; as much as he genuinely dislikes having his own tactics--of any sort--turned back on him, in this instance he can't be too bothered. It helps that he can see that Atem's smirk is more genuine now, which hopefully means he's feeling less need to be guarded.]

「Hah!... yep he can bet he's laughing at that—only, ouch so much damn ouch. The grin stays on his face, even if he's mostly gritting his teeth and trying to breathe through the pain. The meds effect might be passing, but he won't say a thing.」

P-please you're the biggest hypocrite I've ever m-met.

「He says through the breathing and while he may mean it, he doesn't mean for it to be hurtful, it's in the tone. And he seems to get the pain under control, though he looks a little more tired but definitely less guarded, the amiable expression remains.」

This sucks...

[Wow, even ruder, although Lance is more focused on being torn between wincing in sympathy and being pleased that Atem is genuinely laughing. He definitely understands the pain of trying to laugh--or move, or breath, or do anything else--with chest injuries, so he's empathetic to Atem's plight.]

I think you missed the part where I said I wasn't, therefore automatically absolving myself.

[But more seriously--]

I hate to say it, but it's probably going to suck for awhile. I should probably let you rest more, though; that'll help, good rest or not.

No, I heard you, I think you're just being denial.

「He gives him a half nod. Lance is probably right, though, it's a shame because he was now enjoying the conversation. He, as much as he wanted to push people so they wouldn't worry, dearly appreciates having someone he likes around, it helps with everything.

Look who is the hypocrite now.」

I figured. You should probably do the same.

「A beat, and in a bit of a more serious note of his own.」

You do have someone you trust, don't you, Lance?

[Lance makes an exaggerated and purposeful face that's clearly 'you're wrong and it's absurd to even suggest that' at Atem's first comment, but then smiles a little and much more genuinely at his next. He's enjoying the conversation too, now that the tension has faded, but although leaving the discussion on a good note is definitely the best way to do so it still doesn't undo the more emotionally stressful earlier part of the conversation. And Atem's right that Lance can use the rest himself too, both mentally and physically.]

I will. I'll be around, though; I practically live here now.

[It's... Sort of a joke, at least? But he has been spending the cast majority of his time at the Clinic recently, with everything going on.

The last question isn't one he's expecting, and it briefly shows on his face, but although when he smiles again it's more subdued it's also still genuine.]

I do now, yes. Thank you.

[For caring at all, let alone enough to ask.]

「Now, that's the Lance he wants to know more of, not that other guy who is all work and no fun.」

You and me both.

「And he returns the smile with a tired one of his own.」

Keep them close.

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(open) i will never find a way to heal my soul

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