I think I'll stay here

[unknowable]

Who: Gansey (mintly), Ronan (greywaren), Adam (unknowable), Noah (casperdisaster), and whoever else!
What: Claiming a house, getting settled in, oh god why are we here
Where: House 1303
When: 10/10-ish
Warnings: Confused teenagers, mental trauma, Ronan's dirty mouth



[It's not the first time they've been pulled into an unwelcoming, dangerous land, so maybe it's easier for these boys to acclimate. Anyway, no one's been eaten by a bear, and they've managed to both find each other and find a house to live in. There might be no food or electricity, but there'll be a roof over their heads, and that's something.

They still need to explore a bit, settle in, claim rooms, and take care of cuts and bruises caused by their unfortunate arrival (and bears, and little girls with swords), but at least now they've got a home base to do it in.

The Raven boys can be found at 1303 in the first spiral of houses. If you would like to drop by and say hello or interact with Gansey, Ronan, Adam, or Noah, feel free to tag in!]

Comments

[greywaren]

[Ronan doesn't move under Gansey's stare, but that doesn't make him any less dangerous. And Gansey- he swore that he'd get them home, Adam told him that he'd try to think of a way out of it and, granted, all of that was before they realized the true extent of their situation, but it doesn't make their promises any less to him.

And he knows, he knows that they can't do anything- and maybe that's part of why he's angry now, at Gansey, at everything.]

Don't fucking lie to me, Gansey. Don't you dare promise me something that you can't deliver on.

[He's shaking. Ronan's faith in Gansey, in his promises, in his quests, is absolute. It always has been. But he doesn't feel that faith now- he feels the Barns slipping through his fingers again, he feels justifications, pointless blind optimism, the insufferable attitude of someone who wants things to be okay but can't ensure that they ever will be.

He knows Gansey loves him. He knows that Gansey's heart is breaking to not deliver on his promise. He knows that Adam blames himself, that Adam probably doesn't think they can get back either, but won't side against Gansey when Ronan is so aggressive about it.

None of it really matters right now.]

You both fucked with the line. You saved us, that's- that's fine, thanks, but I'm allowed to be pissed about the fact that we're further from home than we've ever been. So fuck this.

[He's a prisoner in his own body, with nothing to lash out against, so Ronan turns and slams his hand against one of the doors, scuffing it. It's fast, over before he really realizes that he's moving, and Ronan looks toward Adam for a split second for his reaction- a hair of cautiousness among the violence- before turning his attention back toward Gansey. It's easier, now that he's moved, bled a little anger out in the motion of it. It's easier to breathe, to realize dimly that this isn't the sort of thing that gets resolved, just the sort of thing that you move on from.]

...just- whatever. Pick out bedrooms and keep going, right? It's not like we have another choice.

[unknowable]

[He doesn't flinch when Ronan moves, or when his fist slams into the door. It's harder when he knows he's part of the reason for Ronan's anger - hard not to remember all the other times violence was done because of something he'd messed up - but this isn't those times, and Ronan isn't his father. The mere fact that Ronan glances at him afterward, as if to make sure he's all right, is enough to prove that.

But either way, Adam wouldn't flinch. He hasn't been afraid of Ronan's violence being directed towards him for months now.]

Survival is our only choice. Maybe there's a way back, maybe there isn't, it's too soon to say. We don't even really know where we are. But there's no point in just - giving up.

[Not that Adam has ever thought that was really an option for any of them. But perhaps sometimes a reminder is necessary. He glances at Gansey, looks away. He could lie and simply agree, say they will get home, but he doesn't really think that and he doesn't have the energy for it.

Maybe it's not impossible. But maybe is a lot, right now. All Adam can bring himself to do is hedge his bets, not quite choose a side, place himself somewhere in the middle between Gansey's determined optimism and Ronan's furious pessimism.]

You can be pissed about whatever you want, no one's ever been able to stop you from doing that.

[And Adam fucked up, and he knows that, and while most of Ronan's anger is directed at Gansey, that doesn't change anything. In the end, Adam is perfectly capable of being angry at himself. He's very good at it.]

But yeah, this is all we can do, short of laying down and giving up. You don't get to pick a room, though. You get that one, because you just fucked up the door.

[It is an entirely serious statement. Your temper tantrum just picked your room for you, Ronan.]

[mintly]

[bless adam for being logical, for remaining neutral. even gansey doesn't really believe what he's saying. the chances of them getting home without some kind of outside intervention are probably close to nil. but he can't stand the idea of ronan giving up. he's seen too much of ronan's blood and pain and fear. he worries about adam mentally breaking down, about hating himself for having no answer to an unanswerable problem, but he doesn't worry that adam will give up. he is, first and foremost, a survivor. ronan just wanted to go home, and as soon as he could, he was snatched away again. gansey doesn't know what ronan will do if he truly believes that he'll never see the barns again.

still, it's a slap across the face, leaving him hot and stinging. he shakes his head.]

Nobody's even going to try and stop you from being pissed, have no fear. Sit your ass down and let Adam patch you up, Ronan. I'm going upstairs to find a room, I guess.

[he doesn't wait for either of them to respond before he's turning on his heel and heading out of the room and up the stairs, his shoulders and back stiff.]

T-T-THREADSPLITTER

[casperdisaster]

[Upstairs all the doors have been opened. Every single door that can be opened is in fact open (except to the one out to the deck, because that's letting a draft in). Noah had to make sure nothing was hiding in any of them. He's in one of the rooms, laying down on a bed that could comfortably fit two and a half Noahs, so soft that he's sunk more than halfway into what passes for the mattress.

Well, okay, he began struggling to sit up when he heard Gansey coming up the stairs but he's still kind of in the process of that. This bed will take some maneuvering.]

Um... everything okay?

[mintly]

[everything is not okay, that's clear from the look on gansey's face. he solves the problem of noah trying to get up, though, by taking off his shoes and then settling into the bed himself, rolling so that his face is smushed partially by noah's shoulder and partially by the mattress, and noah is smushed partially by gansey.]

Of course not. So it goes. Is this your way of claiming this room as your own?

[casperdisaster]

[Yeah Noah kinda already knew the answer when he asked, really. He gives a little oof when Gansey joins him and he falls back onto the mattress, easily squashed into it with how much give there is. He brings an arm up to stroke lightly at Gansey's hair.]

Mmmhmm. The other mattress is firmer. I like the marshmallowness of the bed.

[mintly]

You would want to sleep on a marshmallow.

[he manages to make that sound fond, just like the sound he makes when noah starts petting his hair is meant to be a frustrated huff and comes out more like a comforted sigh. he wraps his arm around noah's chest to play with the ends of his hair. ]

I'll take the firmer mattress, but this one isn't so bad.

[casperdisaster]

[Noah laughs softly.]

Glad you like it, since you'll be sleeping in it half the time. The other one is okay too. There's a balcony with a pretty good view too. It was probably really nice when everything here was new.

[mintly]

Oh, are we making up a schedule of which room we're sleeping in?

[he's teasing, of course, and he turns his face from the pillow muffling his words enough to give noah a chaste, grateful kiss on the neck, more a press of dry lips than anything else.]

We have a balcony? That will be nice, even if everything here isn't new. Fresh air and all.

[he's desperately trying to find good things about this place, anything to salve the fact that he completely fucked everything up.]

[casperdisaster]

[Noah gives a soft and happy sigh, continuing to stroke Gansey's hair. He can't do much for Adam or Ronan right now, but at least Gansey's calmed down, and... maybe they can help each other.

Noah is deeply emotionally invested in his friends' relationships.]

Yeah, there's a bathroom upstairs too so we don't have to risk wandering downstairs in the dark either. Aaaaaand while it's all the way in my bag, I also still have my berry vodka.

[mintly]

So we're living in the relative lap of weird alien cave luxury, is what you're saying, just without any basic necessities.

[gansey is terribly grateful for noah's presence, for his joking and his dumb marshmallow bed and his scent and his fingers in gansey's hair. he makes things more bearable, makes the hopelessness recede to levels gansey feels like he can possibly handle.]

I think we should save your vodka for happier occasions. Or really, really bad ones. Does this count?

[casperdisaster]

The bathroom, what I think is the laundry room, and the kitchen are like all next to each other downstairs, did you notice?

[Noah did while he was sort of Avoiding Taking A Side.]

I think it's always time for vodka, but I was also sort of a burnout waiting to happen so I probably don't have the best judgement for when to break out alcohol.

[mintly]

Just like Monmouth? Well, probably with more walls, but still.

[it's clear in his voice he didn't notice, but he was a bit busy fighting with ronan at the time.]

Oh, shush. You're probably not wrong in this case. At least a little to relax.

[except gansey's not moving for the bottle, and noah's not going to have the easiest time getting out from beneath his weight, so...okay, gansey.]

I'll talk to Ronan later. When everyone else is asleep.

[casperdisaster]

[Yeah, Gansey isn't exactly being accommodating to Noah moving and Noah still doesn't really want to. Maybe he'll take a sip to help him sleep later on.]

Alright.

You can bring some of my vodka with you then if you want. Just don't drink all of it okay?

[greywaren]

[Ronan doesn't say anything to Gansey. He doesn't try to, doesn't think that he can, and before he knows it, he's watching Gansey's back as he moves back up toward the stairs to follow Noah up to the second floor. And then he's gone, and Ronan's angers slips away with him- not entirely, but it's deflated against the mountain of other things that he's feeling.

He takes a breath and watches the stairs, listens to the footsteps as they trail across the ceiling, before finally he opens the door that he damaged earlier and stomps into what he supposes is his room now.

If he were shutting everyone else out, he'd slam the door and make it clear that nobody should disturb him. As it is, he leaves it open behind him, even though he gives no indication that he wants to be followed, and instead just shoves himself down on the bed and stares up at the unfamiliar ceiling. Adam will find supplies and come in or he won't. Ronan can deal with his injury himself if he needs to, though he knows logically that Adam would do a far better job in stitching him up. It doesn't matter.

He listens to the sounds of Gansey moving about upstairs until they stop, tries to listen for Adam, but he's always been so quiet that it's impossible to track him through the house. Light is streaming in through the balcony window, and Ronan turns his head to look at it, his entire body and taut and contemplative, a stark contrast to the bristling creature that he was a few moments ago.]

[unknowable]

[He watches Gansey flee upstairs, watches Ronan stalk into the other room. Adam supposes this is the best outcome that could be expected. He doesn't like seeing Ronan and Gansey fight, doesn't like seeing any of them fight, but there wasn't any way to avoid it. An explosion was inevitable, and there was nothing Adam could do to keep it from happening. No one got injured, at least. It could be worse.

They might never get home. He knows that, and he knows that it'll weigh heavier on Ronan than on the rest of them. He's seen Ronan at the Barns, he knows what it means to him. Adam has never had a home like that. He doesn't even really know where his home is anymore. If he had something like the Barns to return to, he would probably explode, too.

He goes to the kitchen, finds water, and retrieves bandages and other supplies from his bag. There's really nothing he can do right now except this. Regardless of what Ronan or Gansey might say, Adam knows that their being here is ultimately his fault, and while he can feel pricked by injustice since he had no choice, that doesn't change the reality of it. What else can he do, but try to make up for it?

He goes to Ronan's room, noting the open door, and doesn't pause as he crosses the threshold. His voice is quiet.]

Sit up. Let's clean off the blood before we get a bandage on that.

[greywaren]

[He's not surprised that Adam eventually winds up stepping into the room. He wouldn't have been surprised if Adam had left, but the fact that he's here is- tolerable, at the very least. Ronan doesn't look at him when he walks through the door, doesn't respond immediately when Adam speaks.

He knows that Adam can't really empathize with why he wants to get back so badly. None of them do- they understand his reasons, sure, but being cut off from the Barns feels like being cut off from his very soul, and he doesn't think that any of the others can really understand the magnitude of it. It makes him- cruel, maybe?- to be so angry, but he doesn't know how else to be. He thinks about all the times he was in Monmouth, staring at the ceiling like this, when the Barns was only a half hour drive away. He thinks about now, when he can't reach the Barns if he had all the time in the world, and it snarls something inside of him, makes him hate every inaction, every hesitation, every time he relented when Gansey said no.

Adam wants him to move. Adam hadn't really taken sides, but Ronan knows that he blames himself in all of this mess, and that's unfair, even if his actions did ultimately bring them here. But he can't- Ronan is in no place to reassure anyone of anything, and he's definitely not able to defer any of Adam's self-loathing, so he simply follows the commands and heaves himself up with a long exhale. It takes him a moment, but eventually he scoots back a little on the bed and tilts his neck a little so that the injury is a little easier to access. And it's not- bad, it wasn't deep enough to puncture a lung and not much wider than the width of Arya's sword, but it's bleeding pretty badly and will probably need a little tending to if they want to avoid infection.

He doesn't look at Adam. Not right now.]

You don't have to.

[unknowable]

[Adam doesn't dignify that with a response. Of course he doesn't have to, but he will anyway. There isn't any way for him to make things up to Ronan, not for bringing them here, not for being unable to keep his promise to find a way home. Taking care of his injuries is all Adam can do, and so he will. Ronan's anger isn't something that he can mitigate, he thinks. Not right now. He deserves the anger, anyway, even if it was directed at Gansey before.

He sits next to Ronan on the bed, wetting some gauze and using it to wipe the blood away, cleaning the wound. Briefly, his eyes go to Ronan's hand, checking to see that he didn't split the skin on his knuckles when he hit the door a moment ago. Adam will take care of that too, if it's necessary. He's getting used to patching Ronan up. Some part of him likes being useful in this way. Some other part that he quietly loathes just selfishly likes the chance to touch Ronan. He makes sure not to linger.

Adam's hands are careful but certain, trying not to cause Ronan any more pain than he has to. This much, he knows how to do. He focuses on Ronan's wound, not allowing his eyes to wander. It doesn't look like it needs stitches, in Adam's inexpert opinion, just a good-sized bandage and some care. Which is good, because Adam would rather not stitch Ronan up again.

He sets aside the bloodied gauze and looks at Ronan, then, fingers going still against his shoulder.]

I should put some antibiotic gel on it before the bandage. It might sting.

[greywaren]

[Ronan doesn't react when Adam wipes the blood away. It smarts a little, sure, but he's more or less used to the sensation by now. Thankfully, nothing else has really managed to get inside of the wound, and while it's bleeding, it's not quite deep enough to be extremely concerned about. He doesn't move at the hands on him, doesn't really look at Adam as he tends to the injury.

He wants to be attentive here, wants to remember every moment of Adam's fingers pressed against his bare shoulder, Adam's careful eyes on his wound, Adam's weight leaning toward him on the bed, but it's- difficult to focus. Everything just seems hollow, in light of where they are. Ronan is lost in his thoughts, torn between the despair of never seeing home again and the anticipation of Adam's hands on him. Of course, with that comes guilt, because Adam hasn't said anything about their conversation yet, and even though he couldn't help being stabbed it feels almost like he's taking advantage of this situation to be near him.

Stupid. That's not really what this is about at all and he knows it.

Adam's eyes are on him. Ronan slowly lifts his head to meet his gaze and then nods, before letting his shoulders drop again. He braces himself for the sting of course, but it's done distantly, like he's not really expecting it to hurt all that much.]

Yeah, go ahead.

[Ronan tightens his hand into a fist, idly testing his knuckles for soreness or bruising. Luckily, he seems to have evaded any further hand injuries for now, and so he lets it drop back into his lap with a sigh.]

[unknowable]

[Ronan is distant, barely seeming to notice that Adam is there at all. It shouldn't bother him - he does deserve Ronan's anger - but it does, and he knows that thought is selfish, too. As if he has any right to think he could help Ronan in any other way but this purely practical, utilitarian way. As if Adam Parrish could ever be the sort of person anyone would go to for comfort.

He squeezes the gel onto his fingertips, rubs them together to warm it slightly before applying it with careful pressure to Ronan's wound. It's still bleeding sluggishly, but it isn't as if it's the first time Adam will have to wash blood off his hands. Not even the first time it'll be Ronan's. He makes sure it's covered as best he can before pulling back to wipe his hands off and get the bandage and surgical tape.

He focuses on the wound, and nothing else. He doesn't think Ronan wants him there, despite whatever they might have talked about before. And - yeah, it stings. But it's not a surprise. It isn't as if Adam hasn't had plenty of times where he doesn't even want himself around, much less anyone else. And Adam fucked up, and now they're here, and he can't do anything to fix that.]

Almost done.

[He presses the bandage over Ronan's wound and tapes it in place, smoothing his fingers over the tape so it lies flat on Ronan's skin, not letting himself think that it's awkward or that it could be nice. Any illicit thrill is rather easily crushed by the knowledge that Ronan does not want him there, doesn't want Adam touching him or near him right now.]

[greywaren]

[Ronan nods, acknowledging that he heard him without really verbally responding. Adam presses the bandage against his chest and Ronan leans just slightly into the touch to prevent the pressure from pushing him backward. The cut is in an awkward place, and it seems to require a little more tape than usual to ensure that it's secure, but that doesn't really matter.

He can tell that his attitude is infectious. Adam knew he was on edge before coming in the room, but something about his posture has changed even so, pulled back into himself and closed off from everything else. Ronan supposes that he should be feeling guilty for that as well, but the guilt doesn't quite fit in yet, not when he's still so raw over the fight, the realization of how far they've gotten from Henrietta. It's nobody's fault, and he wishes that he could tell Adam that, but the words stick on his tongue because he wants somebody to blame. It's not Adam's fault- it's not really even Gansey's- but Ronan doesn't know what he can be angry at if he admits that there's nothing to be angry at, so he keeps quiet for now.

Instead, he doesn't stop leaning when Adam pulls back from applying the bandage. The lack of resistance sways him forward in slow motion, and he feels- sluggish maybe, drunk off of his anger and helplessness to the situation, with nothing to do but to press forward, as if woozy, until his forehead makes contact with Adam's shoulder and his spine sags as he lets the other boy hold his weight.

He doesn't... really want to be held, and the lashes of his tattoo look like they might cut through Adam's hands if he so much as tried, but just this- the support, the leaning, it lets him fully exhale for what feels like the first time since they came here. Ronan still feels like there are knots in his chest, and he doesn't really confide in people for comfort or support as much as he just doesn't lie, so he's not lying now.]

I-

[Adam still smells like Cabeswater.]

...I want to go home.

[It's that simple. Ronan says it quietly, as if whispering it will make the desire somehow seem less childlike- because it is childlike. They can't. They aren't. It's not something that can be changed and he knows that, and he knows that whining about it won't solve anything, but he can't help it. His heart feels like it's going to just burst with the weight of the impossibility that's been added to their shoulders, and he doesn't- he doesn't know what to do with that, except this: this stupid, pointless weakness that can only really be shown after the explosion that left his knuckles red.]

[unknowable]

[The weight of Ronan's head against Adam's shoulder is not heavy, but it's - grounding, maybe. It's unexpected, but at the same time, not a surprise at all. Ronan does not show weakness often, preferring to express his more vulnerable emotions with anger and recklessness. Something like this is rare, but Adam doesn't overthink it. Doesn't, really, think about it at all, except insofar as it means that maybe Ronan is not so disdainful of his presence.

He doesn't hold Ronan. He wouldn't, not unless he was sure that was what Ronan wanted, and at the moment he's almost sure of the opposite. But he accepts Ronan's weight against him, gives what support he can, and after a moment his hand comes up to brush gently through the short strands of Ronan's hair. The lightest of touches.

It's not prickly, actually. He noticed that the first time. It's soft against his fingers, even short as it is.

He can't give Ronan platitudes or promises. He can't lie to him right now. Even if he wanted to, he doesn't have the energy for it, doesn't have the strength to weave a convincing lie and make it sound like he means it. And at the base of it, he doesn't want to. Adam had thought before that he could find a way home for them. He doesn't think that anymore. He can't make another promise that he would only break. He's let Ronan down enough times already. But he can't stay silent, either.]

Me too.

[His voice is just as quiet. It doesn't mean the same thing coming from his lips. He knows that. Ronan's home is beautiful, it's home, it's a place full of happy memories, full of a loving family, full of impossible things and dreams and wild magic. It fits him so well, it's such a part of him, and Ronan deserves to have that. He deserves to have a place like that, and to be unable to return can only be torture.

Adam's home was never anything like that, but he misses it anyway. He has for months, even before coming here, deeply and shamefully, even though there was never any magic or dreams or impossible things, just walking on eggshells and tension and fear. But it was home, it was the only home he's ever known, and he hates himself for still missing it as much as he does. It's not fair, to compare his homesickness to Ronan's, and he knows that. But he hasn't said it aloud in so long, hasn't even admitted it to himself. It's the only thing he can offer, as shameful as it is.

If he could find a way to get Ronan home, he would, even if that meant being without him here. Adam would do it in a second. But he can't. He can't do anything but offer up his own weakness in return for Ronan's.]

[greywaren]

[He's not sure what he expects from Adam, but he knows that it won't be a hollow reassurance. Adam won't promise something unless he knows that he can deliver, and he won't say something pointless just to make Ronan feel better, because... well, because it won't make Ronan feel better, and being coddled like that would just make him angry.

But... but Adam misses home too. Ronan tenses a little when he hears that, makes a move to look up at him, before deciding better of it and leaning back against him, his temple pressed against Adam's shoulder, breath just barely ghosting over his throat. Of course he wants to go home. Home is- it's Henrietta, impossibility and magic and everything he's ever known. It's his family, as shitty as it is, and Ronan doesn't know how Adam could love it, doesn't know how Noah could still love Whelk- the actual mechanism of lingering after an abuser never sat right with him, and it makes him angry to think that two of his friends are somehow caught in that, because why would you love something that hurts you so much? And then he thinks about the taillights of Niall Lynch's car in his dreams, the blood that had spattered into the wheel well of the BMW, a warm chest pressed against his shoulders as firm hands guided his wrist to pivot as he punches a bag, and- fuck, he doesn't know. He doesn't know any of it.

So he ducks his head in just a fraction closer, nose bumping awkwardly against the smooth lines of Adam's neck. There's a freckle buried in his hairline that he'd never noticed before, a hundred soft hairs at the back of his neck, and Ronan's mouth brushes against his throat as he speaks.]

I'm sorry.

[It's not really a kiss as much as it is just- a quick connection, like he's trying to speak to the very core of him, and Ronan pulls back after another moment or two, before sitting back up entirely. As much as he might wish that it would last longer, he's also well aware of Adam's boundaries, of what they are to one another, of his own defensiveness, and he doesn't want to push at any of those and risk upsetting the delicate balance that they'd managed to foster in the past few minutes.

He stares down at the bedspread, not really bothering to clarify what he's apologizing for. I'm sorry I was a shit, I'm sorry you can't go home, I'm sorry you want to go home, I'm sorry I gave you no choice, I'm sorry for what's been done- but it's there, and it's open enough that Adam can probably derive his own meaning from it.]

I can, uh- I can clean this up.

[He nods toward the empty packaging from the bandage and other various things that Adam used to patch him up. Safer territory, at least.]

[unknowable]

[He can feel Ronan's lips against his throat, soft, barely there as he speaks, and he can feel his own pulse pounding all of a sudden, a surge of sensory input because he didn't expect that. He didn't expect Ronan so close, so intimate. And it's not a kiss, exactly, but it's not not a kiss either, and all of a sudden Adam is reminded that Ronan would be willing to kiss him, wants to kiss him.

It's almost enough that he doesn't hear what Ronan says, but he does. Apologies from Ronan Lynch are rare as unicorns, and while there is nothing in particular Ronan needs to apologize for, Adam knows that there are a multitude of things it could be for. And he knows it doesn't really need to be specific, in the end. It's enough even without that, because Ronan didn't owe him an apology for anything and Adam didn't expect one, and that makes it something else entirely.

Ronan pulls away, and for a moment all Adam wants in the world is to pull him back, to test if that's true, if Ronan really does want to kiss him. To see if Adam could give him something real, some better kind of comfort, with his hands and lips and everything else he has to offer, as inadequate as it might seem to Adam, because maybe it's more than that to Ronan.

But he lets Ronan go, because they're both raw and vulnerable, a little angry and a lot homesick, and everything could shatter in a moment with a wrong word or an unwelcome movement, and Adam knows he isn't ready, no matter how much he might want to be.

He reaches out, though, smooths the tape holding the bandage against Ronan's shoulder, gentle contact held for just a moment longer than it needs to be. Because he wants to, and because he needs Ronan to know that it's all right, that what he did is fine, it hasn't changed anything, it wasn't unwelcome. That Ronan is, maybe, allowed to touch him a little.

Maybe that's cruel. Adam doesn't know anymore. He's trying so hard to figure it all out, what the best thing is for both of them, what will hurt least in the end, but sometimes all he wants is a brief moment of contact.]

Yeah. Keep the rest of the gauze, you should change the bandage tomorrow.

[He looks away then, because it's safer territory but it's also a reminder that this is all real, and a moment ago he felt Ronan's lips against his skin, and that's - stupid and little and meaningless, but his ears feel hot and he's embarrassed, suddenly, at how transparent he must be, touching Ronan like that.]

I - better go.

[greywaren]

[Ronan glances down at Adam's hand on his chest and he doesn't say anything about it but his heart pounds with the contact, even if it's just him smoothing down a bandage. Adam hasn't pulled away or recoiled out of unease or disgust. It means that Ronan's lips at his throat didn't push him further than he's comfortable with, for which Ronan is thankful, but- if he could do more, if he could press Adam's hand against his chest, slide forward again, and- god, it's too much. Adam is too much.

But Adam didn't hate it. That's the important part. He didn't hate what Ronan did, and he touched him like that afterward and that means... it means something, doesn't it? That he wants to touch him, maybe, that the not-kiss was alright- or just that the bandage was already a little rumpled.

It feels vaguely like he's navigating a minefield. He knows that Adam won't explode about something like this, not when he cares so much for Ronan's heart, but he doesn't know the right thing to do, the right way to go, and if Ronan kissed him right now, would it end their waiting or just end the possibility of it ever happening? He hadn't really thought about what he was doing before, he was too consumed in heartache for his home, for Adam's longing after his own home, too guilty for what he's done, for what Adam has had to go through, and he'd just- done it. It felt right, but now he doesn't know if he's just complicated everything again.

Adam is flushing, he realizes. Adam is looking away and pulling back, and Ronan is summarily reminded that they're currently in the process of changing the subject and letting Adam leave. So he nods once, the movement short and to the point, and gathers up the empty wrappers before moving to stand.]

Right.

[There's no wastebin in his room, so Ronan moves toward the dresser and opens the first drawer before just dumping the paper and plastic in there and closing it again. He'll throw them away properly someday- or he won't. It doesn't really matter.

He doesn't turn back at Adam, not right away.]

I'll see you later.