hadriel_logs | like a wildfire;

[ By now they've pretty much figured out how this whole name-on-wrist spiel works out, but knowing the mechanics doesn't make it any less awkward in execution. Watching Keith and Lance dance around one another for so many days has honestly been nothing short of exhausting to Shiro, for a variety of reasons. Waking up with Keith's name tattooed onto him had almost come as a relief there.

And though he doesn't feel all that notably different for it, Shiro's still glad for it when Keith finally stops avoiding him. ]

Keith, come in.

[ He gives a gentle smile, though his expression quickly changes to something more melancholy at the question. ]

Oh, no, I bought them myself. For... sentimental reasons.

[ At this point he should probably just tell Keith what happened, but it's difficult. Keith has a lot on his plate himself and there is simply no good way to speak about this. ]

[Keith enters the room, closing the door behind him quietly. Maybe saying "nothing's changed" is a bit of an oversimplification; there's a degree of laxity in the atmosphere between them that's... not entirely new, at least not in his memory, but has felt a little more tenuous since reuniting in Hadriel. Ordinarily he wouldn't think to just go right up to the flower display out of respect for Shiro's private business, but it feels like it'd be an alright thing to do now.

Still, catching the look on Shiro's face makes him pause, then his own expression softens a little. It's easy enough to guess what "sentimental reasons" means, though it leaves him feeling an incredibly belated twinge of guilt.]

...For Adam, you mean?

[The question's soft; something gentle enough that it's easy to infer that he wouldn't be upset if Shiro brushed it off with a one word answer and changed the subject.]

Yeah. For Adam.

[ Shiro takes a deep breath first and a seat on his bed second. Keith deserves to know this. The name on his wrist, although artificially enforced by an alien God, still seems to drive home that no matter what body they're in and who put them there, he and Keith will forever be the same. It would take more than cloning to break the bond that had been forged between them.

So even though he doesn't want to talk about what happened, Keith should still at least get the update on what exactly it is that is upsetting Shiro these days. He may be able to swallow his feelings most of the time, but if anyone can still tell, that's Keith. ]

As... a memorial, if you will. I never had the time to bring him flowers when we were on Earth.

[Memorial? Keith barely manages to catch himself before repeating the word senselessly. He knows what the hell Shiro's getting at, it just isn't registering properly despite knowing that Earth was... well, in a state to put it mildly. Immediately he wants to know why Shiro didn't tell him sooner about Adam, but there's enough self awareness in him to know that'd be hypocritical on his part. Shiro didn't tell him because he wasn't ready to talk about it... and that's okay so long as he knows that Keith's always going to be there ready to listen whenever he is.

And the same is true in reverse, isn't it? No matter what happens.

Everything he'd ever felt in the last couple of days, every warm, skipped beat of his heart whenever he looked at Lance -- it all just seems even more frivolous now. To think he'd been so caught up in that that he completely missed what Shiro was going through alone one room over. Real attentive brother he sure is proving to be, huh...

Head bowed a little, Keith sits down beside Shiro and places his hand on his shoulder.]

I'm sorry...

[There's a gentle squeeze, then he exhales quietly.]

Do you know what happened?

[For all he knows it might not have had anything to do with the Galran occupation, though he doubts it. Adam is... was... just someone who knew how to take care of himself. It's something Keith had never really forgiven him for back then. It seems hollow and petulant now..]

[ There's an appreciative smile on Shiro's lips as he turns his head to meet Keith's eyes, but it's faint. ]

He... he died in the line of action, protecting Earth from the first wave of Galra attacks.

[ A hero's death. Shiro has been repeating that in his head for the past weeks already, but it never manages to stop feeling a little hollow. Adam, practical Adam, was the last person who would be consoled by such lofty euphemisms. Dying during duty was just part of duty to him and a miserable one at that. Something that he'd wanted Shiro to avoid and yet it's Shiro who is still here and Adam who isn't even six foot under because his body could never be retrieved. ]

[Keith is quiet for a short moment. He holds eye contact and keeps his hand on Shiro's shoulder, wishing there was some way to reach directly into the other's heart and soothe the parts that hurt, but he knows all too well what grieving is like. It's not something that'll go away with a kind word and a handful of platitudes; it's something that stays with you forever and shapes who you become.]

...I know you've probably heard this already, but he must be at peace now. [A beat.] I know that probably doesn't mean much. It didn't when people said that about my dad so....

[Trailing off, he looks away.]

I didn't know you still thought about him.

[And some childish, angry part of him wants to add: he sure didn't think about you, but he doesn't.]

[ Shiro has heard it and Keith is right that it doesn't mean much. Words that would comfort him when anyone else passes away fall flat when it comes to people like Adam, who shape the whole of Shiro's world into what it is. Cornerstones of his very existence. ]

5 years of relationship don't disappear so fast.

[ It seems several lifetimes ago that he was 19 and nervously leaning in for a first kiss. He can barely remember the feeling now. ]

I never expected us to get back together, but I wanted him to be happy, if nothing else.

[ And he hopes he was, those 3 years before his death. Genuinely and with all his heart. ]

.... yeah. Figures.

[In retrospect, that had been a pretty stupid thing to assume, huh? He'd known Natalie for two months, was her boyfriend for a week and he still fucking thinks about her. Stupid.]

I think he probably was. Back when we all thought you died on the Kerberos mission, he was the one who encouraged me to let go.

[There. That's a mild way of putting it.]

[ Shiro feels as if the name on his wrist is burning, though there is no such sensation in reality. It figures that where Adam would forget him, Keith would be the one to hold on time and time again, for better or for worse. Especially for worse, it seems. Being kidnapped by the Galra is not exactly his own fault, but he still feels a little bad about the pain it caused others.

But the info about Adam... though it stings a little, it primarily comes as a relief. In the end it had been Shiro who made the final choice to go on the mission and thereby end their relationship. It had been Shiro who understood that he could never offer the security to make Adam happy, least of all in the short time he had left. They weren't compatible, not in the long run, as much as it hurt. Shiro would have never given up on his dreams, not with the clock ticking in his head, and he couldn't keep on stringing Adam along for this ride. ]

He was probably furious with me.

[ He releases a sigh. ]

I hope that helped him, if nothing else.

Was he.

[The bitter words slips out before Keith can think better of it, and no sooner than he's said them, he snaps his head up.]

I-- sorry. Didn't mean it like that. It's just...

[He bites the inside of his lip. The Adam that Keith knew was a rational guy, measured and never let his emotions get the better of him. Someone who looked at Keith with an exasperated tolerance for being Shiro's charity case. While they never had a bad relationship by any means, Adam was simply never family the same way Shiro had been.

Probably why Keith could never really give Adam the benefit of the doubt. Never tried to put himself in Adam's shoes. Not that Keith was particularly good at either of those things back then -- especially not while he was still so raw and hurting all over from grief -- but he'd felt so justified in his outrage.

Now? Now when he thinks about how he's handling the loss of Natalie and Kino and everyone else he knew at Cartesio, how he's simply bottling it all up so nobody else has to see it, so that he doesn't go fucking crazy...?

Keith looks away, moves his hand back to his own lap.]

I didn't understand how he could just move on like you meant nothing to him. I got ... really mad at him, to be honest. I shouldn't have. I think I'm finally getting it now.

[After it's too late. Always too late.]

Wish I could apologize.

Edited 2019-02-23 13:21 (UTC)

[ It sounds like the time past his disappearance had been rough and strained between Adam and Keith. While a part of Shiro had been hoping against better knowledge that these two could have helped each other out in this crisis, he'd already known that it was hopeless. Adam and Keith are day and night when it comes to how they're dealing with distress.

He listens to Keith in silence, breathing in deeply when Keith speaks about Adam moving on. Like you meant nothing to him. It hurts, hearing it said in these words. It hurts even though moving on is what he wanted for Adam, even though he knows that nothing is as easy on Adam as he makes it seem to the outside world. Even then, some long-buried part of Shiro wants to go back in time and reach out, take back what was his before it can fade. ]

That makes two of us.

[ He gives a tired smile. The things they have to apologize for are vastly different, but he'll take this bit of commiserating because there's nothing else to take. ]

[Keith sits in silence for another moment. directing his gaze towards the wilting memorial. For so long,Adam had been a source of bitter anger and then just a couple of glowing embers buried under the weight of intergalactic calamity. Then with time, Adam, like Iverson and so many other people from the Garrison, just became these odd remnants from the past. People he'd behaved poorly around, people who made him feel pricks of shame if he dwells on them for too long.

He'd known for a while he himself would not be getting the chance to show Adam he'd grown up from being a teenager with a shitty attitude, but knowing that nobody is getting a chance to make amends at all is lead in his limbs. It's weird coming face to face with all the things he'd taken for granted, even on behalf of the other Keith out there.

He glances back down at his own hands, staring a little too long at the name tattooed on his wrist.]

....Shiro, you know....

[Ah forget it. Keith pulls Shiro into a hug. Time is finite and if there's anything to be learned from tragedy it's that you don't hold back on being close to loved ones while you still can.]

If you want to talk about it, I'm here for you.

Edited 2019-03-12 23:55 (UTC)

[ That hug catches Shiro by surprise though maybe it really shouldn't. That's what the names on their wrist mean, a useless confirmation of something that had been abundantly clear before already. Keith always has his back. Clone or not. It feels strange that he can accept this so easily with Keith and yet has spent so much time separating his own clone from himself, carefully severing the ties and ignoring the memories.

After a moment of lag, Shiro wraps his arm around Keith in return. Maybe Keith is right, maybe for once he is the one who just really needed a hug. ]

I know that. I know. Thank you, Keith.

[ He bites his lip a little and then sighs quietly against Keith's shoulder. ]

It's more that I don't know what to say about it.

[ And if he starts, he'll come undone. Entirely, fully, completely. There'd be nothing but pieces to pick up from the floor and this isn't the place or the time. Just as little as it had been the place or time at home. It will never be the right time, he just knows. ]

It hurts, but what's a little more of that?

[Something in his chest aches at the flippant nature of the question. After everything Shiro has been through, he doesn't deserve to have more saddled on him; more things he can't talk about. Briefly Keith grits his teeth in a flash of sudden anger, but there's nothing and nobody to take it out on.

It's just...

Unfair. Unfair in all these ways that he can't begin to make right or exercise control over. His arms tighten around Shiro's mid-section, hooking his chin over a warm shoulder.]

I don't want you to hurt anymore.... I wish you didn't have to.

[His voice starts out firm, but no amount of grit really disguises how child-like it sounds in Keith's own ears. He trails off, fighting down a sigh starting to burn his lungs. It's unbelievably hurtful to think back at Cartesio, he'd been so sure they could bring their dead back because he'd made it happen with Shiro, but he can't convince himself wholeheartedly that a miracle like that can just happen in a way that doesn't come with a cost.]

Maybe talking will help...? [A beat.] Natalie would always make me talk about stuff.

Edited 2019-03-21 22:40 (UTC)

[ Shiro hasn't properly talked about his feelings in over two years now - ironically, the last time was probably before Adam left him; before he left Adam. Because Adam could make him talk, draw it out and mend it with firm words and firm touch. And he's gone along with all the knowledge on how to make Shiro breathe.

In a way, the mention of a foreign name comes as a welcome distraction here. The irony of this isn't lost on Shiro, and yet he can't help asking. ]

Natalie.. She's someone who helped you throughout Cartesio then?

[There's a moment of hesitation. He could just nod and leave it at that, but the thing about "maybe you should talk because it might make you feel better" is that he should probably lead by example on that.]

...yeah. We were pretty close.

[were. Using past tense feels irrationally wrong. Like he's given up on her and everyone else back in Cartesio or something which feels like betrayal on so many levels. But this isn't about him, this is about Shiro, so he quickly adds:]

Anyway... she used to ask me all these questions about how I was feeling and it annoyed the hell out of me at first,but I think it helped me sort some stuff out. We could try that.

[ Shiro is curious about this girl, but Keith is trying hard for his sake and deflecting more would really just be an obvious way of shutting Keith out. That's not what Shiro wants, he doesn't want to reject Keith's concern, he's just.... He's afraid. After all this time in space, all this time being dead, after finding his planet destroyed... this simple idea of baring himself can still make him nervous. It's laughable.

Shiro pulls back out of the hug again, so they can make proper eye contact. ]

Okay. This sounds dangerously like counseling, but... we can try it. Answering something concrete will for sure be easier than trying to sum all of this up by myself.

[Keith likewise draws back, making a face at the mention of counseling before scooting back a little more comfortably on the bed.]

Don't call it that. I actually care about you feeling better.

[Scowling a little, he props up his elbow on his knees.]

I guess... the most obvious question to ask is whether or not you regret going on the Kerberos mission.

Ouch, loaded question.

[ There's a deep breath here, but the silence that follows it is only of minimal length. It's not like he hadn't asked himself this before, in week moments laying awake at night and unable to distract himself with anything appropriately productive. ]

I can't actually regret it, can I? Had I not gone and gotten abducted, we might have never found the Blue Lion and formed Voltron in time. It's hard to regret a choice that ended up saving lives.

Adam and I... you and Lance and everyone else... we might all have died on Earth had history gone a little different.

[There are a lot of words competing to be said first, but the subtle comment about his behavior with Lance over the last week has all replies freezing over for a few seconds. This isn't a relevant thought right now, not addressing that right now--]

Forget about whether you can or can't regret it, Shiro. Things might've panned out like that, but you know that's not what I'm getting at.

[The words are spoken a bit quickly, not willing to accept the deflection.]

I mean... what do you even want to apologize to Adam for if you don't regret leaving?

[ Shiro takes a moment to respond to this question. It's huge and difficult and it weighs him down heavily. He just has to keep breathing and approach this rationally. Except rationality is somehow so much harder when it's directed backwards instead of into the future. ]

I want to... I want to apologize for the way we ended, regardless. Even if I know I'd never have chosen any differently, it still wasn't fair to him.

[ He's never acknowledged this before, not out loud, and the echo of the words runs coldly down his back. ]

And... irrationally, I also just want to apologize for not having been there... when he... when he left.

[ When he died. Words Shiro has spoken before that are inexplicably hard now that he is reaching to the core of his feelings. ]

[Keith mulls that over, brow furrowing. It's pretty clear from his expression that there's a lot he could say in response to all this, but is being careful about how he says it. Shiro's probably one of the few people he'll actually bother self-editing for.]

If you ask me, I think that would've made Adam madder. [A beat.] Maybe that's just me. Saying you're sorry doesn't mean a whole lot if nothing changes about your attitude.

[Which may or may not be why Keith doesn't do a whole lot of apologizing himself. He frowns.]

....is that your takeaway from this whole crazy ordeal? Not putting the wishes of loved ones first just in case?

Edited 2019-04-05 21:42 (UTC)

[ That gets a raised eyebrow from Shiro. Keith is asking a legitimate question, he supposes, but the idea is still a little bit odd to him. ]

No. I don't think probability has entered some strange conspiracy in which the choice that hurts someone I care about is always cosmically better.

[ Not that he'd entirely put it past the universe to do that to him. It seems just in line with how his life has been going. ]

My choice to go on the Kerberos mission wasn't for the greater good either, it was for myself only.

[The mention and refuting of bizarre conspiracies aimed against them in particular gets a crooked half smile from Keith; something a touch jaded and tired.]

So lemme rephrase: are you going to put your desire to prove yourself above the wishes of loved ones again if that comes up again? What did you end up deciding here?

like a wildfire;

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