like a wildfire;

[spazzed]

Who: keith, shiro, lance, allura
What: catch-all for shenanigans during february
Where: casa voltron, possibly other places, who even knows
When: all month
Warnings: nothing just yet but will be updated as needed!

Comments

forward dated to the 21st

[marmoron]

lance
[Even before Keith opens his eyes in the morning, he knows something is horribly wrong. His bed is warmer than usual, like there's a few extra blankets wrapped around his legs and the small of his back. The grogginess clears immediately when the gentle rise and fall of a chest pressed against his own registers as breathing.

Lance's breathing to be even more specific.

Keith opens his eyes, staring at the sleeping paladin curled up in his arms. He's not surprised -- of course he isn't. He wanted Lance to be here, close and tight, because every synapse fired, every beat of his heart, every part of his soul had known exactly where he belonged. Who he belonged to.

For a long moment, Keith is simply too horrified to know what to do. The intensity of those feelings are gone and the void that they leave behind is damn near paralyzing. He swallows dryly, half wanting to fling Lance out of bed, half not wanting to move at all.]

shiro
[It's a little later in the day when Keith finally works up any kind of nerve to be near Shiro. Admittedly, he'd been playing the avoidance game as much as possible when you're literally one wall apart, but after seeing Shiro's name on his wrist this morning, he didn't really want to risk making a fool out of himself around the guy. Or have things get weird between them too. When he accidentally spots Shiro going inside his room, Keith ducks back into his own, cursing under his breath.

Except nothing's really changed. Huh. It's at that point, he emerges from behind his door to go knock on Shiro's.]

Hey, Shiro?

[There'd been a different set of thoughts on his mind, but all of that goes to the wayside when the door opens and he spots the wilting floral arrangement.]

Those from a secret admirer?

[deadlining]

[ By now they've pretty much figured out how this whole name-on-wrist spiel works out, but knowing the mechanics doesn't make it any less awkward in execution. Watching Keith and Lance dance around one another for so many days has honestly been nothing short of exhausting to Shiro, for a variety of reasons. Waking up with Keith's name tattooed onto him had almost come as a relief there.

And though he doesn't feel all that notably different for it, Shiro's still glad for it when Keith finally stops avoiding him. ]

Keith, come in.

[ He gives a gentle smile, though his expression quickly changes to something more melancholy at the question. ]

Oh, no, I bought them myself. For... sentimental reasons.

[ At this point he should probably just tell Keith what happened, but it's difficult. Keith has a lot on his plate himself and there is simply no good way to speak about this. ]

[marmoron]

[Keith enters the room, closing the door behind him quietly. Maybe saying "nothing's changed" is a bit of an oversimplification; there's a degree of laxity in the atmosphere between them that's... not entirely new, at least not in his memory, but has felt a little more tenuous since reuniting in Hadriel. Ordinarily he wouldn't think to just go right up to the flower display out of respect for Shiro's private business, but it feels like it'd be an alright thing to do now.

Still, catching the look on Shiro's face makes him pause, then his own expression softens a little. It's easy enough to guess what "sentimental reasons" means, though it leaves him feeling an incredibly belated twinge of guilt.]

...For Adam, you mean?

[The question's soft; something gentle enough that it's easy to infer that he wouldn't be upset if Shiro brushed it off with a one word answer and changed the subject.]

[deadlining]

Yeah. For Adam.

[ Shiro takes a deep breath first and a seat on his bed second. Keith deserves to know this. The name on his wrist, although artificially enforced by an alien God, still seems to drive home that no matter what body they're in and who put them there, he and Keith will forever be the same. It would take more than cloning to break the bond that had been forged between them.

So even though he doesn't want to talk about what happened, Keith should still at least get the update on what exactly it is that is upsetting Shiro these days. He may be able to swallow his feelings most of the time, but if anyone can still tell, that's Keith. ]

As... a memorial, if you will. I never had the time to bring him flowers when we were on Earth.

[marmoron]

[Memorial? Keith barely manages to catch himself before repeating the word senselessly. He knows what the hell Shiro's getting at, it just isn't registering properly despite knowing that Earth was... well, in a state to put it mildly. Immediately he wants to know why Shiro didn't tell him sooner about Adam, but there's enough self awareness in him to know that'd be hypocritical on his part. Shiro didn't tell him because he wasn't ready to talk about it... and that's okay so long as he knows that Keith's always going to be there ready to listen whenever he is.

And the same is true in reverse, isn't it? No matter what happens.

Everything he'd ever felt in the last couple of days, every warm, skipped beat of his heart whenever he looked at Lance -- it all just seems even more frivolous now. To think he'd been so caught up in that that he completely missed what Shiro was going through alone one room over. Real attentive brother he sure is proving to be, huh...

Head bowed a little, Keith sits down beside Shiro and places his hand on his shoulder.]

I'm sorry...

[There's a gentle squeeze, then he exhales quietly.]

Do you know what happened?

[For all he knows it might not have had anything to do with the Galran occupation, though he doubts it. Adam is... was... just someone who knew how to take care of himself. It's something Keith had never really forgiven him for back then. It seems hollow and petulant now..]

[deadlining]

[ There's an appreciative smile on Shiro's lips as he turns his head to meet Keith's eyes, but it's faint. ]

He... he died in the line of action, protecting Earth from the first wave of Galra attacks.

[ A hero's death. Shiro has been repeating that in his head for the past weeks already, but it never manages to stop feeling a little hollow. Adam, practical Adam, was the last person who would be consoled by such lofty euphemisms. Dying during duty was just part of duty to him and a miserable one at that. Something that he'd wanted Shiro to avoid and yet it's Shiro who is still here and Adam who isn't even six foot under because his body could never be retrieved. ]

[marmoron]

[Keith is quiet for a short moment. He holds eye contact and keeps his hand on Shiro's shoulder, wishing there was some way to reach directly into the other's heart and soothe the parts that hurt, but he knows all too well what grieving is like. It's not something that'll go away with a kind word and a handful of platitudes; it's something that stays with you forever and shapes who you become.]

...I know you've probably heard this already, but he must be at peace now. [A beat.] I know that probably doesn't mean much. It didn't when people said that about my dad so....

[Trailing off, he looks away.]

I didn't know you still thought about him.

[And some childish, angry part of him wants to add: he sure didn't think about you, but he doesn't.]

[deadlining]

[ Shiro has heard it and Keith is right that it doesn't mean much. Words that would comfort him when anyone else passes away fall flat when it comes to people like Adam, who shape the whole of Shiro's world into what it is. Cornerstones of his very existence. ]

5 years of relationship don't disappear so fast.

[ It seems several lifetimes ago that he was 19 and nervously leaning in for a first kiss. He can barely remember the feeling now. ]

I never expected us to get back together, but I wanted him to be happy, if nothing else.

[ And he hopes he was, those 3 years before his death. Genuinely and with all his heart. ]

[marmoron]

.... yeah. Figures.

[In retrospect, that had been a pretty stupid thing to assume, huh? He'd known Natalie for two months, was her boyfriend for a week and he still fucking thinks about her. Stupid.]

I think he probably was. Back when we all thought you died on the Kerberos mission, he was the one who encouraged me to let go.

[There. That's a mild way of putting it.]

[deadlining]

[ Shiro feels as if the name on his wrist is burning, though there is no such sensation in reality. It figures that where Adam would forget him, Keith would be the one to hold on time and time again, for better or for worse. Especially for worse, it seems. Being kidnapped by the Galra is not exactly his own fault, but he still feels a little bad about the pain it caused others.

But the info about Adam... though it stings a little, it primarily comes as a relief. In the end it had been Shiro who made the final choice to go on the mission and thereby end their relationship. It had been Shiro who understood that he could never offer the security to make Adam happy, least of all in the short time he had left. They weren't compatible, not in the long run, as much as it hurt. Shiro would have never given up on his dreams, not with the clock ticking in his head, and he couldn't keep on stringing Adam along for this ride. ]

He was probably furious with me.

[ He releases a sigh. ]

I hope that helped him, if nothing else.

[marmoron]

Was he.

[The bitter words slips out before Keith can think better of it, and no sooner than he's said them, he snaps his head up.]

I-- sorry. Didn't mean it like that. It's just...

[He bites the inside of his lip. The Adam that Keith knew was a rational guy, measured and never let his emotions get the better of him. Someone who looked at Keith with an exasperated tolerance for being Shiro's charity case. While they never had a bad relationship by any means, Adam was simply never family the same way Shiro had been.

Probably why Keith could never really give Adam the benefit of the doubt. Never tried to put himself in Adam's shoes. Not that Keith was particularly good at either of those things back then -- especially not while he was still so raw and hurting all over from grief -- but he'd felt so justified in his outrage.

Now? Now when he thinks about how he's handling the loss of Natalie and Kino and everyone else he knew at Cartesio, how he's simply bottling it all up so nobody else has to see it, so that he doesn't go fucking crazy...?

Keith looks away, moves his hand back to his own lap.]

I didn't understand how he could just move on like you meant nothing to him. I got ... really mad at him, to be honest. I shouldn't have. I think I'm finally getting it now.

[After it's too late. Always too late.]

Wish I could apologize.

[deadlining]

[ It sounds like the time past his disappearance had been rough and strained between Adam and Keith. While a part of Shiro had been hoping against better knowledge that these two could have helped each other out in this crisis, he'd already known that it was hopeless. Adam and Keith are day and night when it comes to how they're dealing with distress.

He listens to Keith in silence, breathing in deeply when Keith speaks about Adam moving on. Like you meant nothing to him. It hurts, hearing it said in these words. It hurts even though moving on is what he wanted for Adam, even though he knows that nothing is as easy on Adam as he makes it seem to the outside world. Even then, some long-buried part of Shiro wants to go back in time and reach out, take back what was his before it can fade. ]

That makes two of us.

[ He gives a tired smile. The things they have to apologize for are vastly different, but he'll take this bit of commiserating because there's nothing else to take. ]

[marmoron]

[Keith sits in silence for another moment. directing his gaze towards the wilting memorial. For so long,Adam had been a source of bitter anger and then just a couple of glowing embers buried under the weight of intergalactic calamity. Then with time, Adam, like Iverson and so many other people from the Garrison, just became these odd remnants from the past. People he'd behaved poorly around, people who made him feel pricks of shame if he dwells on them for too long.

He'd known for a while he himself would not be getting the chance to show Adam he'd grown up from being a teenager with a shitty attitude, but knowing that nobody is getting a chance to make amends at all is lead in his limbs. It's weird coming face to face with all the things he'd taken for granted, even on behalf of the other Keith out there.

He glances back down at his own hands, staring a little too long at the name tattooed on his wrist.]

....Shiro, you know....

[Ah forget it. Keith pulls Shiro into a hug. Time is finite and if there's anything to be learned from tragedy it's that you don't hold back on being close to loved ones while you still can.]

If you want to talk about it, I'm here for you.

[spazzed]

( it's been a couple of days at least since he's woken up by himself, since he'd moved from the couch to a bed that wasn't his own, and for those couple of days, he's been the most pleased, felt the most at ease with everything that he can remember, and it goes without saying that that mostly includes since he'd come through the door to end up here.

but this morning, it's different. he isn't even completely awake and it feels different, though everything of note is the same as it has been for the past handful of days; the rise and fall of keith's chest close to his own, the sound of his breathing, the warmth of him something that's become familiar, calming in its own way, a balm on nerves that have a tendency to be frazzled more often than they aren't.

it's different in the sense that all those feelings that had stolen over him in the small hours of the morning not a week previously are gone, but the memories of them are still there, as vivid as if they'd been placed there in his dreams the night before and while he doesn't make it known that he's awake just yet, there's no going back to sleep and pretending that he hadn't woken up in the first place —

even though there's a thought in the forefront of his mind that wishes he could. because …

it feels empty, already. and he knows he should move, knows he should put some distance between them before keith does it himself ( because somehow, it's better that way, if he thinks he has a choice in the matter ) but he. doesn't. doesn't dare move because he doesn't want to think about what it means. what it's going to end up meaning. )

[marmoron]

[Time has protean tendencies at the best of times and though it's probably been less than a minute since Keith has woken up to this absolute mess, each second drags out and the silence in the room feels like it's crushing the air out of his lungs. Keith doesn't know why he still hasn't fucking moved or told Lance to get out. Maybe it has to do with the way his throat's gone too tight for words, maybe it's the way his whole body is still rigid with embarrassment.

It's funny. In the most superficial sense, he's still got nothing but Lance on the mind. But where thoughts of Lance had once been warm and brought an easy smile to his lips, overnight it's as if all that warmth superheated and turned to ash. Keith knows this is ridiculous; he knows he's thinking more clearly now than he has been at any point during last week and that you cannot actually mourn a relationship you never had to begin with, but...

But what?

Keith forces himself to breathe out evenly, slowly. Deep calming breaths. Because there isn't anything to freak out about. Nothing at all.]

Lance...

[Barely louder than a whisper and yet it's the best he can manage right now.Some cowardly midground where he can claim he took some kind of action, even if it's far from a decisive one.]

[spazzed]

( it's almost like. he can feel the seconds as they tick by, or maybe as they crawl by, because he knows it hasn't been very long at all since he'd first opened his eyes but it feels. like an age since he first became aware of keith's chest rising and falling under his cheek pressed to it, an age since he first took note of how all those feelings of warmth and belonging had been replaced with literally. nothing.

his chest feels empty, hollow in the way sad things usually are but he's still clinging to the warmth of those memories like it's all he's got left, and maybe memories will be enough, or maybe he can just keep right on ignoring the fact that he should probably move and make a discreet ( ish ) exit before he actually. has to deal with any of this.

because he's learned a lot about avoidance, and it's pretty nice in a pinch. that being said —

that measured breath comes out and he stiffens a little, realizes that probably isn't the greatest reaction and forces himself to relax again, only picking his head up when he thinks he might just be able to mask the way his expression wants to give him away, schooled into something neutral instead of something lost. )

Hey … morning. ( the smile he tries to give feels brittle even before it's fully formed, and he swallows around the way it feels out of place, feels wrong, feels like … a lie.

neither of them are taking decisive action, but they're working on it. honest. )

[marmoron]

[The response leads to a sudden spike in anxiety; he has no idea how to react to this paper thin smile, no idea if Lance is going to keep that plastered on his face all day or what it's supposed to be hiding. Is Lance trying to make him feel better by acting like everything's okay? Is he just as embarrassed? Relieved that whatever has been binding them together is over? Politely waiting to make his exit without causing hurt feelings?

Keith doesn't know, but he does know that he can't keep looking at Lance's face when he's become so familiar with the way Lance smiles when he really means it, the way it lights up his eyes and made his heart skip beats just looking at it. The way it'd always felt like those smiles were only meant for him.

He's never going to see that smile again, is he?

Instinctively his fingers close around Lance's shirt, pulling the fabric taut and even Keith doesn't know if that's to keep the paladin closer or just what precedes a hard shove.]

Are you... [He swallows, struggling hard to keep his voice even and free of tension.] ... you can leave, you know.

[spazzed]

( he's just — trying to keep his composure, because he's always been the one to try to smile when he feels like he's about to break and he does for reasons he can't wrap his head around fully, except for the fact that he knows that once he gets up, once he leaves this room, nothing is ever going to be the same again.

( those smiles had been just for him, for the record, would still be, if he thought they would even be welcome. he's so confused, the inside of his head a mish-mash of so many things at once that he can't help but to nearly want to get up and leave, because it seems like it might be the right thing to do, even if he knows at the bottom of his heart he doesn't want to. )

he's quiet for a handful of seconds longer, watching the way fingers curl in his shirt and he does wonder if he's about to be shoved away, hopes he isn't, because he really doesn't want to believe that the past handful of days they've shared are all about to go down the drain. his mouth opens, closes, opens again, and he stares at keith's shoulder, unable to make eye contact. ) Do you want me to?

( please don't say yes.

please don't say yes.

please don't say yes. )

[marmoron]

[Just like that, the ball is back in his court and Keith reacts immediately; the first few words tumbling out of his mouth much too forcefully.]

Lance. if you want to --

[He stops abruptly, taking a deep breath. This is all wrong, isn't it? His tone is wrong, his words are wrong and as if finally conscious of just how tight his grip on Lance's shirt has become, he slowly, shakily, lets go. This isn't an argument, and he shouldn't be treating it like a fight when they were both unknowingly being toyed with, but adrenaline doesn't make these distinctions easy to parse.]

Sorry. I -- sorry.

[His voice goes quiet with shame. Lance deserves a whole lot better than taking the brunt of his feelings right now, and he can't help making a frustrated noise. When he isn't angry at the gods, he feels hollowed out, like Lance stole a part of him that he isn't getting back. Maybe he doesn't want that part back, maybe he does, but either way the anger is so much easier to deal with than the emptiness.

I love you isn't a sentiment that comes easily to Keith. Never has been. He knows now that it's not how he really, truly feels about Lance. But those last couple of days when he thought it was has made him realize that it could be, and.... somehow that's just too daunting to face alone.]

...stay. If you want to.

[spazzed]

( he doesn't want him to let go — even if it had just been fingers bunched into his shirt, it had been a point of contact that he doesn't want to lose but it's there and gone near-instantly, and maybe he is beginning to think that he should leave, even if everything in him is screaming stay. no matter how awkward this gets.

because he's never had much of a hold on his feelings, never known what he's supposed to do with them when he has them and maybe the past few days have been because of meddling gods, maybe it's gone now and left him feeling just as empty as keith on the other side of it. but.

maybe he wants all of that back. maybe he wants it to be real and not just because it had felt so real at the time; maybe he wants to stay like this, close and warm and maybe he wants that feeling of being loved back, just so he can give it just as much. and maybe he doesn't know what he wants in entirety.

but he does know — ) I do. ( he finally says, voice low and soft, and his fingers won't stay still with the way they want to trace over the delicate rise of bone on the outside of keith's wrist, reclaiming that point of contact he seems to want so desperately. ) I wanna stay.

[marmoron]

[Keith raises his gaze fractionally at that, shifting his focus from Lance's shirt to his eyes, then right back down at the shirt where it's safe. I wanna stay is a tame sentiment compared to the embarrassing things they'd thought about each other, but it carries so much more weight. Keith slowly lets out a breath he wasn't aware that he'd been holding. Though Lance wasn't giving strong indications that he was going to deny that anything happened at all, these few simple words confirm that they're not going to do that awkward amnesiac dance.

The tension doesn't fully leave Keith's body; his shoulders remain a little too rigid, his breathing forced into something trying to resemble natural and calm, but the corners of his lips pull up slightly. It's not exactly a happy smile, but a relieved one.]

Okay. [The word's still quiet at first, shaky. Then it's repeated a little more firmly.] Okay.

[So they've tackled that issue together. They're staying in bed, entirely too close to one another. This doesn't really clear anything else up. What Lance is going through, what he's thinking, what he wants and why -- that's all still a giant mystery and Keith doesn't know how to unpack of any that when he doesn't have the clearest answers to offer in return.

The longer he thinks about it, the more wrong it feels. Is he just using Lance to bury how lost he feels because of Lance? Is that what Lance is doing to him? He slowly looks back up at the other's face. They need to talk. Desperately. But there's a lot of uncertainty that he doesn't know how to navigate.

Staying and showing that he wants Lance to stay? That he knows how to do now in a way that Lance might appreciate more than words Keith keeps stumbling on. He reaches down to brush Lance's hand then slowly interlaces their fingers.]

[spazzed]

( he wants —

he wants keith to look at him, to realize how open his expression is, that he isn't even close to hiding anything because even if he doesn't completely understand what his heart is doing in his chest, what his thoughts are doing rolling around in his head, he's. not denying anything about the past few days. wouldn't, if they ever get around to talk about it.

( and they do, god, they do, but it doesn't look like it's going to happen in the next little while and that's. all right, isn't it? there has to be some kind of grace period. has to be. )

that smile, however small it is and even whatever it isn't ( happy ) finds some of the tension bleeding out of him, too, though it isn't gone entirely; it clears nothing up and it might just end up in a few more questions in the long run but lance. has a tendency to not think that far ahead on a very regular basis, and if it means he can stay here a little bit longer, feel keith's warmth in close proximity, you'd better believe he's going to take it. ) Okay. ( he echoes, and it sounds a bit more sure than anything that has come out of his mouth up to now, voice still soft around the edges like something might break if he speaks up anymore.

they're staying. he's staying — for now, and when those fingers lace with his own he looks down briefly, leans down just enough to nuzzle the back of keith's hand, drop a chaste sort of kiss to the tiny patch of skin between index and middle finger. because.

he wants to, because it makes his heart trip over itself in that same pleasant way as when he'd first kissed keith at all, and at least this time … he hadn't missed. a small thing, but a thing nonetheless. )

[marmoron]

[Oh. His eyes widen a little in surprise at the kiss, heat starting to burn his face. The gesture is, again, tame compared to the others they've shared in the last few days and Keith doesn't know why the hell he's blushing. Can he stop blushing through sheer force of will alone? No. Why did he not think to try and claim that as a power for his clone body....

After staring way too long at the back of his hand where Lance's lips brushed, he blinks and tries to snap his heart out of this idiotic fluttering that it's doing, like it can't decide if it wants to beat really fast or just stop to catch a break.]

This is... [Trails off, swallowing dryly as he squeezes the other boy's hand.] .. a really bad idea. You know that, right?

[It's what the voice of reason in his head needed to get out. For so many reasons being close and intimate for the sake of holding onto something has, for so many different reasons, "mistake" written all over it, bolded and highlighted. Whether it's the right thing to say or not is an entirely different question. It hadn't felt like a mistake while it was happening and though he knows it doesn't work that way, part of him can't help wanting to believe that this isn't a mistake either.

When he looks at Lance's face that's even more reassurance that it doesn't have to be.]

[spazzed]

( every single bit of this is tame in comparison, he knows that, knows keith has to know that because the last few days they've shared have resulted in more than a handful of memories he's going to hang on to for as long as he's able; and it's a simple thing, all things considered, a kiss to the back of a hand like something straight out of one of those romance novels his mother refuses to admit she reads —

but then keith is speaking up again, and he brings his gaze up to try to catch the other's own, even if it's just for a couple of seconds because while those words say one thing, he thinks the squeeze of fingers says another entirely, and he can't help but feel like he's being pulled in opposite directions. at war with himself and at war with the way his heart wants. ) I — ( crap. ) Sorry, I didn't. Wasn't thinking. ( as usual goes without saying, because of course it does.

it might be a bad idea, when they're both still riding high on the last few days and trying to figure themselves and each other out to a point where some of it makes sense, and they might be a way off from it, but he can't help adding on, a little helplessly: ) Doesn't feel like it, though. ( he'd looked away, brows furrowing, and he almost doesn't want to chance looking up again, just in case whatever fears have his heart hammering out an offbeat rhythm against his ribs ends up being real. ) Does it?

[marmoron]

[When they briefly lock eyes, Keith nervously bites the inside of his lip. It doesn't have to be a mistake, no. It's almost like the sentiments been ripped right out of his own head for him to listen to in Lance's soft voice and it's hard not to be coaxed into nodding in agreement.

It's an oversimplification though, isn't it? Lance is... was (?) ... always so much more interested in girls and though it's obvious that this was never as black and white as Keith had always thought it was based purely on the fact that Lance is being so tender right now instead of running off screaming, it still trips him up for a moment.

But that's nothing more than a distraction and Keith knows that. If he keeps the questions focused on Lance, it means he doesn't have to question what's going on with himself. Because some things just hurt when you think about them for too long. The way things had presumably ended forever between him and Natalie because he got caught up in a different universe. The reminder that even his time with the paladins in Hadriel is all subject to the whims of some capricious gods and a door they can't control.

How do you willingly open yourself up to being vulnerable under these situations? Has he not fucking learned anything? Keith looks away for a moment, unable to answer immediately.

Everything comes to an end. The only person you can rely on is yourself. These were things he'd learned so many years ago. Things he had to unlearn during his time with the paladins. Things he'd readopted somewhere between realities and something his friends at Cartesio had made him unlearn yet again.

Feeling connected to other people, knowing exactly who he is and being embraced for who he is by the people around him -- all of that is worth fighting for. It's worth every bruise and every graze. Keith knew that, even if he hadn't exactly been the best at showing it or applying it to his life here.

Maybe if he's being entirely honest with Lance, part of him feels sick opening up, taking a chance. But he does know that it won't deter him from trying to be that close again.]

I don't want it to be. [There's a ghost of a smile behind those words. His voice is quiet as he leans in closer until the very tips of their noses brush.] I.. maybe this isn't the right time. Maybe we should talk about it later when we've cleared out heads more, but...

[Moving forward, Keith closes the tiny gap between their lips to leave a chaste kiss.]