hadriel_logs | Step, step right over the line

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Step, step right over the line

Who: Noah and Gansey at first, later Ronan and Adam as well(?)
What: After roughly six months of hiding it from him, Noah's the one to tell Gansey about what he has waiting for him back in Henrietta.
Where: Raven Haus
When: 11/15 Evening
Warnings: Spoilers for The Raven Cycle so far.

Normally when Noah went to Gansey's room after they tucked in to bed he'd wait at least an hour first. Same with Gansey seeking Noah out. There was attempts to spend the nights alone rather than the comfort of company.

Noah couldn't stop thinking about it, though. Ever since he was talking to Bruce about Ronan being homesick. They'd been away from home for about six months now, give or take. Gansey only had... eight. At most. If the Technicians from before were to be believed, he still had all his time waiting for him when they returned to Henrietta, but it still weighted on Noah's mind for the last couple weeks.

Someone had to tell him. Neither Ronan nor Adam were going to.

Giving bad news made him sick inside, but Gansey deserved to know.

It was heavy material to think over when brushing teeth right before bed. Noah used the rest of the time to steel his will about it, not that he had much to be steeled. He couldn't wait, he'd chicken out if he did. Instead of turning the bathroom light off and heading to his room to at least try to sleep alone, he went to Gansey's door instead and knocked on it.

"Gansey? Um, are you still awake?" Noah called. It was probably a stupid question but ... it was possible the insomniac could have fallen right asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow tonight.

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He can't help it, he scoffs. "Adam, I've died twice already. How many things have happened to us that are utterly unacceptable? And yet here we are, safe as life." A hand makes a grand, sweeping gesture around them, as if to acknowledge the real meaning of his words. Safe as all this, a cave far from home where monsters occasionally try to eat them and so do their nightmares.

"The unacceptable happens every day. Why should I be any different? How can you cheat death when you don't know how it's coming? And why wouldn't you tell me? Maybe I could, I don't know, assist in this plan to keep me alive?"

"You have enough to worry over already, Gansey. And look at you, already assuming it's going to happen. Giving up. This is why I didn't tell you."

There are, of course, things Adam isn't telling him even now. But they're things Adam hasn't told anyone, and he isn't going to start now, not with Gansey, not when Gansey is already upset with him.

"There's a way out. There's a way to keep it from happening. Why become Cabeswater's magician, if not for that?" He shakes his head. "What do you think I need this power for?"

"I'm not giving up, I'm being reasonable. Tell me one time that Jane's mother or Persephone or Calla was ever wrong, one time Cabeswater was wrong." He sounds overly patient now, as though he's explaining something terribly obvious. "And you became Cabeswater's magician because you wanted something that was all yours on your own terms. You went off on your own then, too." He shakes his head. "Except everyone knew about me except me."

He sighs, running hands through his hair, mussing it up. Frustration leaks through and his voice rises in volume, if not in pitch or tone. "There are probably ten thousand things you're hiding from me and mostly I can live with that. If anyone knows how to live by selective truths...but this? How would you feel if I kept your death from you? Or Ronan's?"

It's no stretch of the imagination to think that Ronan would still be awake. He sleeps a little more regularly than he might have once, but that doesn't mean that he gets nearly as much as he should. And of course, being right next door to Adam, it's difficult to not hear the voices growing slowly more heated as the argument progresses.

He stares at the ceiling, tries to block it out- whatever it is, it's Gansey and Adam's shit, and in Henrietta they fought frequently enough to where this isn't an unusual enough of an occurrence to require an intervention. Not that Ronan would really be qualified to intervene anyway, and his method of doing so usually involves doing something so reprehensible that both of their anger turns on him instead.

But then he hears his name, hears Gansey be angry instead of trying to reason, and that's enough to hitch him up out of bed- more annoyed than anything for now, as he doesn't generally enjoy being used as ammunition against someone for- whatever it is they're yelling about.

So, he opens his door and of course, there they are. Ronan has perfected the look of irritable boredom and that's what he projects now, as he leans out in the crack between the door and the frame, resting his weight heavily on the doorknob.

"What the fuck is this about? Chainsaw is sleeping, man."

He is not particularly surprised when Ronan opens the door. They weren't being all that quiet, and Ronan sleeps rarely enough that it's fair to assume he'll be awake at any given time. It was only a matter of time before he heard something that would make him want to get involved, given what they're talking - arguing - about.

Adam presses his lips into a thin line, breathes for a moment, steadies himself. He does not expect Ronan to take his side, but at this point there's no reason not to be honest about the issue at hand.

"Gansey is upset I didn't tell him he was going to die." His voice gets more clipped. "Because he's not, because I'm going to stop it, regardless of what Blue's relatives say."

Ronan comes out of his room and Gansey gives him the briefest of glances. There's something hurt in his expression, just in that moment. "I think I have a right to know that there's a prophesy that says I'm going to die before I get to graduate high school regardless of whether you think you can stop it, Parrish."

This time his look at Ronan is less brief, more pained. "And you knew too. You knew and neither of you said a damned thing. There's a lot of things I'll tolerate not being told, but this is my life, or lack thereof. Did it ever occur to either of you that I might want a say in it?"

Ronan blinks at the response from both of them and is quiet for a moment, before he drags a hand over his face with a low groan and opens his door a little more fully, before focusing on the two of them.

"Jesus, Gansey."

This isn't what he was expecting it to be about. And it's heavy the weight of Gansey's death and the responsibility that he'd let slip through his fingers. They didn't say anything- and Ronan had felt guilty for it, but he'd pushed that away because he thought it was better not to, that it would just make everything worse to think about it, especially when Adam was hellbent on saving him, especially when Ronan himself wouldn't let him die. But how exactly does he explain that?

Chainsaw croons in his room and Ronan shuts the door behind him, muffling her raspy voice.

"A say in what? What the fuck are you gonna do about it other than freak out until it happens- " A quick pause, and he glances toward Adam before amending, "-if it happens? Blue's known for longer than any of us and she didn't say a damn thing either."

"Ronan didn't know until we got here." He needs to correct that, to make it clear. Ronan didn't know before, it wasn't some kind of - conspiracy where everyone in the world knew except Gansey. Only maybe it was, because all of Blue's family knew, Blue knew, maybe Noah knew, and none of them were going to tell Gansey. None of them would have told Adam, either, except that he didn't need them to. He'd guessed.

"What does it help, you knowing? You tie yourself in knots over it, worry over every little thing? Blue was already doing that, at home. I was doing that." He still is, to some extent, except Adam doesn't quite think this place - or Harborview - counts. It's home that counts. If Gansey dies, really dies, that's where it will happen.

"You're not a martyr, Gansey, you don't need to know about your death so you can accept it or whatever, because it isn't going to happen."

All he can do is look between the two of them, stunned. "You don't get it at all, do you? I saw what me dying did to you, I'm already worried over every damn little thing. This is almost a relief, knowing why it bothered you so much when you knew full well I'd be coming back just fine." He gestures at Adam. "And it's fine for you and Jane to keep it all to yourselves and freak out behind my back? I already know her part in it. She kisses me, I probably die. Doesn't that seem easy to prevent? But apparently it isn't." Unfortunately for the other two, now he's picking up some steam. "And if Jane knew, if you knew, that means her whole family knows. Hell, maybe Mr. Gray knows too, why not? Everyone but Gansey knows that Gansey's going to die. Except Ronan, who only found out here and still didn't say anything. God."

Gansey turns away from both of them, hugging his arms tight around himself. "Don't tell me what I do or don't need to know about myself, Adam. Maybe I fundamentally don't understand where you've been, but you have no idea about me either." His voice doesn't get any louder, only faster, the words snapping from his mouth. "You refuse help from me at every turn because then I'd own you and then you decide you get to keep this from me, so you can own my fate? You don't know what it's like to lie there and know you're dying, to feel your heart stop in your chest. Every day I live knowing that could happen again just because of some stupid little insect. Every time we ever went outside, every time I heard something buzzing against the window.I've been living on borrowed time since I was ten years old. His!" A strong, blunt finger jabs up toward the ceiling, where Noah is still upstairs asleep. "And you think you get to make that choice for me?"

Ronan listens to Gansey's tirade- part of it anyway, because he spends the rest of it watching the both of them, the curve of Gansey's back, the hollow tilt of his shoulders, the look in Adam's eye when Gansey throws his own words back at him.

His jaw tightens then and he shakes his head, stepping forward, not quite between Gansey and Adam, but definitely closer to Gansey than Adam is. He doesn't like turning on Gansey- it feels wrong to him somehow, and he knows that Adam isn't innocent in this either. None of them are, and he hates this, hates all of this, hates how wrong they all are to even be in this situation in the first place.

"Knock it off, Gansey. You're panicking."

Which is easy enough to see. Gansey is easy to read when he winds himself up like this, frantic and angry and scared. It's fair. Everything he's saying is fair, but it also- isn't, and it frustrates Ronan that he can't explain it the way he wants to, make Gansey see things the way that he does.

Because he has faith that if anyone can save Gansey, it will be Adam- who has promised and tried and taken abuse from Ronan for not saying anything, Adam who would give anything, even his future, his own chance at Glendower's blessing, if it means keeping Gansey safe.

"If Parrish says he can stop it, then he can. We believe in you, alright? Return the fucking favor."

He's surprised when Ronan steps forward, expecting him to - he's not sure. Stay out of it, stay neutral, or get angry maybe. But Ronan's always been angry when others are calm, calm when they're angry. It's infuriating, except when it's oddly helpful. Like now. Ronan's faith in him is, maybe, less surprising, but it's still enough to steady Adam, a little.

Gansey might not believe in him, but at least someone does. Adam doesn't need anyone to believe in him, not when he knows what he has to do and he's ready to do whatever it takes to achieve it, but that doesn't mean it doesn't help.

"I don't want to own anything, Gansey. That's not what I'm trying to do - that's not why I didn't tell you. It's not some kind of stupid power game." He's frustrated, upset, his accent slipping, but he tries to even it out. This isn't the time to sound like some dumb inbred hick. "Or are you saying that you want to die, that you don't want me to stop it? Because that would be the stupidest thing I've ever heard. I'm going to stop it, whether you think it's impossible or not."

Ronan stepping toward Gansey seems to deflate him a little, although his hands are still white-knuckled on his arms. "Yes, maybe I'm panicking. Maybe I should be panicking when two of my best friends are keeping secrets like this from me. Maybe panic is an entirely rational reaction."

Gansey snaps his own jaw shut, teeth grinding beneath the skin of his cheek, and he takes a few steps away, as though physically removing himself from the situation even slightly will help. Ronan's right, of course. He's panicking, his mind divided into too many contrary pieces that all come together into a black void of death. Ronan would know, he's seen it enough times before. Is he relieved? Is he terrified? Does he want to die, or does he just not want to have to figure out what comes next? Is there a next? His time is borrowed, after all, why shouldn't it be up? His nails dig into his skin.

"Of course I don't want to die, and if anyone is going to manage to pull off a miracle it's my Magician and my Knight. But I've been staring down that reality since I was ten, Parrish. Maybe it's a relief to have a timeline, even if I don't particularly like it and you're refusing to even entertain the idea. Maybe this just isn't the kind of secret you keep to yourself, because what happens if you're wrong? How do you live with yourself if I die?"

Edited 2015-12-04 16:18 (UTC)

Ronan watches Gansey, listens to Adam behind him. He stays calm, of course, tries to make his voice authoritative enough that Gansey will listen and it will resolve everything. It doesn't work this way, it's some ridiculous inversion of the order of things, but he tries.

"When were we supposed to tell you? Before or after you died in that town? Or maybe when you were blind- would that have been a good time? When the ley line was trying to possess us? Or when it kicked us out here?"

He shakes his head, and he wants to bridge the distance between them that Gansey had created, but he doesn't quite manage.

"We should have said something, but we didn't. It was shitty. Raking us over the coals doesn't change it. You can doubt us if you want, but I know that we're going to stop it. What if doesn't factor into the equation."

"Gansey, you're constantly on the edge of breaking down. You haven't been stable since we left home. It's obvious to all of us. When could we ever have told you, when would have been a good time?"

There's no reason not to say what he knows they've all noticed. He's seen Gansey afraid before, upset, close to falling apart. Gansey's come to him before, for distraction or help, though it's been a long time since anything like that has happened. Back in Henrietta, maybe. He doesn't know when it changed.

"If you want to doubt us - me - you can, I guess. That doesn't change what I'm going to do. If you want to accept your own death and hate me for not telling you, fine. I'll still keep it from happening. We will. I decided that a long time ago. There is no alternative, there is no 'what will happen if I die'. Be angry all you want, Gansey. Nothing's going to change."

"Yes, well, it's not as though you found out after we left home, is it?" Gansey knows, deep down, that Adam is right, that Ronan is right, that there was no good time to tell him, that he's become this thing even more fragile than Adam looks, even more fragile than Ronan's heart. He should stop, but admitting defeat has never been one of his strongest skills.

"It's not about doubt over what you will or won't do. It's that you didn't think I deserved to know." He rounds on them both, all wounded nobility in that stupid, impossible way he is. "And maybe my belief isn't perfect, but have you ever given it a thought? The worst part about dying of that plague was waking up and realizing that you'd all fallen apart, and that was when you knew I'd be back! Have you thought, really thought, about what you'd do if I don't? Maybe you'll save me from this prophesy and in three weeks I'll get stung by a stupid little wasp and--" he snaps his fingers, the sound a bright crack in the dark, "--that's it."

His hands go back to digging into his biceps. "If either of you--any of you--died and didn't come back, I don't know what I'd do. Yes, it was shitty. But it's not me dying that's the point here."

"You're being an idiot," Ronan hisses back, wounded somehow by the lack of belief. Not that he should be surprised- he's the only one in this room who seems to deal in absolutes, but the lack of blind faith is still somehow staggering.

"Of course you deserved to know, so here- let me get out my fucking time machine and I'll go back and tell you over cereal, 'by the fucking way Gansey, Blue's psycho family put your name on the death list'."

As calm as he's been, he's growing agitated now, his lips pulled back in a sneer.

"You want to be mad at someone about it, then go ahead, nobody is fucking stopping you. We all get it Gansey, we fucked up, bad dogs, no goddamn treat. Is that it? Are we done now?"

Edited 2015-12-08 01:38 (UTC)

Adam's eyes go to Ronan, distracted from Gansey for a moment. It isn't a surprise to see Ronan angry, but he'd been calm - almost the voice of reason - until now. Perhaps paradoxically, it calms Adam, as if maybe only one of them can be angry at a time. Clearly untrue, given their fights with each other, but maybe right now, with Gansey in the mix, it's the only thing that could happen.

"If you think I haven't thought about this from every angle, then you don't know me." His voice is steady now, under control again, though there's an edge of steel, a tiny bit of anger still. "That doesn't change anything, though. There's only one outcome that we'll allow. Trust us, or don't. Be angry if you want. It isn't going to change anything."

Maybe it was wrong not to tell him, but Adam really isn't sure. Look at Gansey now, he thinks, and can he really say Gansey should have been told? Maybe at home, when he could have taken it better, but here? And at home it wasn't only Adam's secret to keep. It was never just his.

"Be angry if you want. Because I'm sure you'd take all this with grace and aplomb." Gansey shakes his head, suddenly brittle and exhausted and belittled. "I figured that if anyone knew that it wasn't a matter of if, but when, that it would be you, Parrish."

The united front of the heat of Ronan's anger and the chill of Adam's makes him want to lash out, but there's nothing to lash with. He's said it already and it didn't sink in. Ronan refuses to even consider anything but absolute belief in Adam, and Adam has probably examined the possibilities and rejected them. Gansey can't manage that, and the realization deflates his righteousness.

"Yeah. Bad dog, et cetera, et cetera. We're done." The words are flippant, but his voice is taut as a wire, sharp with betrayal. Does he still trust them? In the end, Gansey knows that he'd follow either of them into hell and believe they knew the way through. But telling them so feels like negating the fact that he feels betrayed, that he has a sudden suspicion that maybe he doesn't know them at all anymore, now that they know each other better. That there's a lot they're hiding from him, things maybe somehow more important than the fact that he's going to die.

In any case, he has nothing more to say. Back still turned, he heads for the stairs.

Edited 2015-12-08 01:59 (UTC)

Ronan doesn't try to call Gansey back- he just watches with a sullen gaze as the other boy's retreating form storms up the stairs. It's a long time before he moves, before he speaks even, after Gansey's angry footsteps have faded and the walls have quieted again with the sound of the night.

Adam is behind him, but he doesn't look back. His hands are tight into fists and, with a concentrated movement, he slowly unclenches them. He can hear Adam's breathing. He pretends that he can hear Gansey's too, and imagines how it's probably happening upstairs- a tight exhale through his teeth, a soft breath in, a heavy sigh. Anything is better than nothing. This was going to happen sooner or later.

"We should have told him."

He watches Gansey go, too. It doesn't sit right with him, but he doesn't think there's any other way it could have ended. He wasn't going to back down, and neither was Gansey. Adam just wishes that Gansey had understood, somehow - that he could believe that Adam will keep it from ever happening.

But somehow he's not surprised that Gansey couldn't.

His spine stiffens when Ronan speaks. That isn't a surprise, either, but that doesn't mean he wants to hear it.

"Noah shouldn't tell other people's secrets."

"No. He shouldn't."

Ronan agrees quietly, but it doesn't sit well with him either. In the end, he finally turns back to face Adam, still tense, but not quite to the point of anger that he had been a few moments ago. It was Adam's secret, not Noah's, not Ronan's, and as much as Ronan resents that it was about Gansey, he'd complied anyway. He knows the value of a secret, he knows exactly how they work with people, how they work against people.

He hadn't told because of course he hadn't. That doesn't mean he's happy about it.

"I didn't say anything, for you. But we both know that he deserved to be told."

Maybe. Maybe it was selfish for Adam to want to keep it from him. But there's more to it, there's things he hasn't told anyone, and he struggles for a moment to find some way to explain, to justify. There isn't really one, not unless he's honest, and he's not sure he's ready for that.

But then, Gansey has already turned away from him. If Adam were somebody else, maybe he'd stop at that, willing to keep all his secrets in order to keep Ronan from turning away too. But he's not, he's Adam Parrish, and if everything is going to come crashing down, he'd rather it happen because he chooses it. So maybe it's time to be honest, before anything goes too far.

"I didn't want him to know. He shouldn't have known, I should have been able to prevent it and none of that would have mattered." He takes a breath, looks at Ronan. "It's going to be my fault. I saw it. That's why I can stop it."

That gets his attention. Ronan jerks his gaze up sharply, meeting Adam's eyes- startled, though he tries not to show it. But Adam looks convinced, like he's so sure, and Ronan doesn't know what to think. There's no way that Adam would kill Gansey- he may doubt himself, Gansey may doubt him, but Ronan knows his loyalty. He wouldn't hurt him, let alone kill him. Not for riches, not for a way out- not for anything.

But he didn't say I kill him. He said it's going to be my fault. And so Ronan takes a step forward, closer to Adam so he can whisper harshly through his teeth and they have less chance of being overheard.

"...what the fuck are you talking about, Parrish?"

He wants to look away, but he doesn't. He needs Ronan to understand, to believe him, and he also has no desire to ever talk about this again if he can avoid it. He hasn't told anyone. Not a soul. He doesn't want to be telling Ronan this now, but - he needs to. He needs to have it out there, so Ronan, at least, can understand why Adam so desperately didn't want Gansey to know.

"Do you remember the tree, in Cabeswater? The one you wouldn't go in? I saw a vision in there. I saw Gansey, dead, and it was my fault -"

And Ronan hated him for it, Ronan knew it was all his fault and he rightfully hated Adam because of it. He takes a breath, steadies himself, though his voice is still tight and full of stress.

"But if it's my fault, that means I can stop it. That means his name on the list doesn't mean anything, because I'm not going to allow him to come to harm, especially not because of me. I would never do that. Never."

The look he gives Adam could most accurately be described as measuring. He knows that Adam doesn't have the same aversion to lying as he does, but what reason would there be to lie about causing Gansey's death? It clearly weighs heavily on him and he's obviously devoted to stopping it, but how will they know what it is that kills him?

Ronan's belief was unshakable minutes ago, when Gansey was yelling what if, it was unshakable months ago, when he'd first vowed to protect him, but now- now he can feel it wavering. If it happens (it won't happen, it can't happen, they'll stop it-) then it will be Adam's fault. Blue's family already predicted it, Adam saw it in the tree, everything seems to be lining up to one horrific solution.

How do they save Gansey when they don't know how he'll die? How will Adam know what to do? What would it take to protect- fuck- to protect Gansey from Adam?

"I know you wouldn't."

His words are hollow, distracted in the light of this new information. He presses his lips tight together, tries not to think about the obvious question, tries not to give it a moment, tries to put his mind on anything but that- but what if-

What if there was only one way to save Gansey? What would he do if death was the inevitable conclusion, if it came down between the person he was devoted to or the person he-

"How... " his voice cracks and Ronan almost winces at the sound. He swallows past the dryness in his throat and tries again. "-how did it happen? In your vision."

Step, step right over the line

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