hadriel_logs | gold light shining on so many things

Entry tags:

gold light shining on so many things

Who: The Raven boys and Blue (

quaerit,

ampliat,

greywaren,

unknowable,

casperdisaster) + anyone else who drops in!
What: Gansey, Blue, Adam, and Ronan disappeared for a few days and return having suffered a both traumatic and pleasant canon update
Where: House 1303 and around Hadriel
When: 6/10-ish
Warnings: Swearing, the effects of trauma, heightened teenage emotions, probably kissing (that hopefully will not kill anyone), definitely TRK spoilers

[Feel free to make your own starter and tag others, and for non-canonmates dropping by to welcome CR back - feel free to tag in anywhere that isn't specifically closed to someone!]

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[Adam's breath on his skin is enough to dissuade the edge of tension that threatens to creep into his shoulders at the question. Ronan sags forward instead, his head sliding down to rest on Adam's shoulder, just for a moment. It's not something he's given a ton of thought to in the hectic moments of arriving here, but it's something that probably needs to be dealt with sooner or later. There are marks on his neck from Adam's own hands, pieces of him that feel scraped raw and bleeding on the inside, fresh memories of blood on his hands and failed quests and dead kings.

He inhales Adam's scent and exhales warm into his shirt, before shrugging up his shoulders pointedly, knocking into Adam's jaw a little.]

Dying, I guess. Everything going to shit.

[He doesn't want to think about it, doesn't want to be overly emotional, but it's Adam. He's trusted Adam for months now, and now that the memories are crashing together, he doesn't know what else to do with all that trust except to let Adam see the cracks forming at the base of him.

Ronan pulls back with a shaky breath and reaches up, wiping at his nose with the back of his hand, a practiced, callous motion that does little to cover up the rest of it. He doesn't meet Adam's eyes when he speaks next.]

You were tied up in the backseat, and in the road there was- blood. Flowers. And then-

[He shrugs again, letting out a heavy sigh.]

It got me. It felt- [there's a pause.] -it doesn't matter. I don't know how long it had me for, but when I came to, I was here.

[He reaches out, pulls Ronan close again. His hand slips around to the back of Ronan's neck, fingers careful but sure, sliding along the knobs of his spine, encouraging him to put his head on Adam's shoulder again, to let Adam put his other arm around him.

It's all he can do. All he can offer, right now, when the memories are so clear and painful. He remembers Aurora, the remnants of her, and Ronan afterward. All he could do was stay close then, make sure Ronan wasn't alone. And listening to Ronan being unmade is one of the most horrible things Adam has ever been through, and there was nothing he could do.

Adam's hands around his throat, his uselessness, his inability to do anything but make it all worse. Even when he shut the demon out, it was too late to help, too late to do anything but watch Gansey die. And now they're here, with the weight of months behind them, and he and Ronan have been through so much. All he can offer is this, a place and a moment where Ronan doesn't have to posture if he doesn't want to. A place where Adam can hold on to him and remember that he is alive.]

Gansey stopped it. He saved you - he made his choice.

[He doesn't think that will be a surprise to Ronan, though he thinks it will probably hurt. Gansey had made his choice before the demon began to unmake Ronan, he'd made it in front of them all, he'd chosen his path. This is only confirmation.]

I couldn't do anything. But you're alive. It didn't take you.

[Even if Adam couldn't do anything in the car, when he was tied up- he can do it now. Just the touch is comforting to Ronan in a way that nobody else's hands could match. It doesn't make it better, and he's not sure if anything could make it better, but it makes embracing the sudden swell of emotion a little easier, instead of forcing it away.

A low sound escapes him when Adam tells him what happened, what Gansey did. He'd known that it was a likelihood, but he'd still tried to think that they could stop it- maybe if they were clever enough, maybe if they were fast enough, convincing enough, strong enough, they could stop the demon and the corruption without sacrificing Gansey and it would all be okay. Ronan doesn't make a habit of lying, but sometimes he has to lie to himself just to move forward, and now, when faced with the stark truth, his heart sinks like a stone.

Aurora and Gansey, and Adam's hands, and everything else that had been taken from them- Ronan sinks closer into Adam's embrace, wraps his arms around the other boy's thin ribs, and fights back tears.

Adam wouldn't judge him for it, he knows, especially not with everything that's happened. He's earned the right to cry, but he still fights it, even when shuddering little sounds are clawing to burst free from his throat. His legs feel weak, and they're still just standing there, but he doesn't want to move. Moving would break it, and Ronan can't force himself to be strong and nonchalant right now.]

-I don't want to talk about it.

[Comes the muffled words, damp and resolute and buried into the cotton of Adam's shirt. Talking is too much- it usually is, especially when he feels so brittle. He won't break on Adam, he won't break on anyone- it's just not who he is- but he needs a minute or two to come back from the edge.]

[He holds on to Ronan, and answers the only way he possibly could.]

The fuck would I talk about?

[His fingers, again, stroke a gentle line over Ronan's head, down his spine. His other arm is around Ronan's back, holding him close. Ronan needs this, Adam thinks that's undeniably true, but Adam needs this too. He needs to hold Ronan and know that he's all right, that he's intact, that pieces of him weren't torn away by that demon. By Adam.

The bruises, and what he did that caused them, will haunt him for some time. But right now, it's not guilt that he feels, only relief.

His words were an echo of Ronan's, but they're true nonetheless. He isn't going to force Ronan to talk about that, or to talk about anything, though he'll listen if words do become necessary, and in truth there are things he could say. He wishes Ronan felt safe enough with him to fall apart, like Adam did once, but he knows that it isn't that easy. He's been there. He hates letting himself be vulnerable in front of anyone, too.

So he just holds on to Ronan as best he can, presses his nose to Ronan's temple, soft breath brushing his skin.

He almost lost Ronan.]

[Coming apart is not an easy thing. Ronan has always been so tightly stitched together, pulled closed by anger and composure and taut, precise control, that letting even a fraction of that unravel feels like too much. Adam wouldn't judge him for it, he knows, not after everything they've been through together, but part of him is still convinced that he has to be the strong one for the both of them, that he's the rock and Adam is the willow.

Hearing about Gansey so soon in the wake of his mother's own death though, feeling himself quickly snatched from the seizing fight for his own existence- it's a lot to handle, and he knows it's a lot for Adam too, he knows that he should straighten up and pull Adam's face to his shoulder, but it's always been difficult to step outside of his own pain when he's feeling it, and this is too much.

He lets out a soft sob, cracking for a moment, allowing a portion of what he's feeling to bleed out of him before his shoulders go tense again and he takes in a short breath and holds it, eyes squeezed shut to force himself to stop crying after he's hardly only begun.]

I'm so fucking tired.

[Is what he does say, after his breath is held for long enough to stop gasping out in heartache, and his voice now is just hoarse, tight. He knows he can't fall asleep, not so soon after everything, he knows he should try to look for Blue maybe, but right now it's just difficult to keep standing, even when supported with Adam's weight holding him in.

He forces another breath, but doesn't quite pull away to look at him yet.]

-can we just lay down?

[Adam is not good at comforting people. He's always known that - he's too cold and careful and internal. People don't relax around him, they don't look to him to wipe their tears or hold them. They look to him for plans, for practical things, for thinking through the problem. Comfort? Not really.

So he isn't surprised that Ronan finds it difficult to let go. Ronan is so careful about these things, so reluctant to show any weakness. He gets angry instead of sad, lashes out instead of falling apart. Adam has seen him cry, when Gansey died and only then. He doesn't need to see it again - that isn't something he wants - but it's something he wants Ronan to have the space to do if he needs to.

Adam has cried alone often enough to know that sometimes it's what you need.

He doesn't know if he can offer anything except this, after everything Ronan has been through, and he knows it isn't enough. But he'll do whatever he can.]

Yeah.

[The sound of Ronan's voice, tight to the point of breaking, is almost painful. He loosens his grip on Ronan but doesn't let go, pulling him carefully toward Adam's bedroom. He doesn't really think about it - Ronan said we, so he wants Adam there, and it's cleaner, they've spent more nights there.]

We should both try to rest.

[Ronan doesn't resist when Adam pulls them toward his bedroom. In all honesty, he's not sure if he could bear being separated from Adam, so the fact that the other boy had taken his comment to mean that they should go together works out just well for him. He follows the gentle nudging to Adam's bedroom door, opening it for the both of them and stepping inside.

He didn't die in Henrietta, but he still feels like he had. It feels like it's been days since he last slept properly, it feels like it's been weeks since he last saw Adam's room, but the room itself looks as if they'd only left it a few hours ago, exactly the same without a single thing out of place, without a layer of dust, without any indication that they'd even been gone at all. Ronan looks over it for a few moments before a familiar screeching through the walls drags his attention back out into the main room, blinking slowly before pulling out of Adam's grip.]

I have to get Chainsaw.

[He can't believe that he'd almost forgotten about her in the emotional reunion that was seeing Adam again- he's tired and weary and it's been awhile since he's seen her at home as well, but still. Ronan doesn't know if she's been here this whole time, or if she'd left and came again like he had- both possibilities carry their own brand of pain, and he leaves the room quickly to get her from his own, just one door over.

She's eager to see him of course, angry with him for leaving her, and she pecks at his fingers while he undoes her cage and gently tries to take her out, leaving him with some spots of blood for the trouble. When Ronan moves back into Adam's room then, it's with an irate bird in tow, and she immediately flutters off for Adam's dresser, scratching up the wood there with her claws while Ronan rejoins Adam near the bed.]

Okay. [He's not sure what else to say, but that at least, seems to indicate that he's done fucking around, and Ronan toes off his shoes and tugs his jacket from his arms in the process, leaving them both in a pile on the floor.]

[Aspen is waiting in Adam's room, the dog's tail wagging at the sight of them. While Ronan retrieves Chainsaw, Adam kneels down to greet his dog, the dog he'd completely forgotten about at home. Aspen seems none the worse for wear, and Adam wonders if he was asleep while Ronan was gone - he doesn't seem hungry or in bad shape, which is good, because Adam doesn't want to leave Ronan for long enough to take a dog for a walk.

The dog doesn't seem to have noticed Adam's disappearance particularly, which would make sense if he was asleep, though he does press his nose into Adam's palm, always happy to see him. Adam is tired too, and worried, concerned about Ronan and afraid there's nothing he can do to help. All he can do is be there, and that much he'll do.

When Ronan comes back, Aspen pads over to investigate and greet him carefully as Adam takes off his own shoes and jacket. He's no neater than Ronan, not right now. He'll take care of it all later, and he'll go through his things here, remembering what he has. Right now he has more important things to worry about.]

Okay.

[He should wash up, probably. He's battered and scratched - mostly by his own hands - and his clothes aren't in a great state. But he doesn't smell, at least, and it can wait. He does pull his shirt off, though, and his pants. It's strange, really. For a moment he's self-conscious, thinking of home, when he'd only just begun kissing Ronan. But here, they've shared a bed so many times, touched each other intimately. There's nothing to be nervous about.

He gets in bed, moves over so there's plenty of room for Ronan.]

Come on.

[Ronan leans down to rub his fingers over Aspen's head before tugging his own shirt off, taking the cue from Adam to shuck out of his jeans as well. There's a moment of readjustment, in which he thinks that it's a little awkward, but of course, they've slept together like this before, haven't they? In this same bed, with these same sheets. Ronan tries not to think about his newfound memories of Adam's tanned skin, though it is a pleasant distraction from whatever is going on right now in reality, and instead shifts to tug up the blankets and slide down under them, using his toes to pull off his socks in the process.

He's facing away from Adam, watching over Chainsaw and Aspen in the room with them, but after a moment or two, Ronan takes a deep breath and turns to his other side, resting his head on his arm and looking over Adam's face quietly, noting the scratches and raw marks where he'd injured himself back home.

Ronan doesn't plan on sleeping here- he's not sure if he ever plans on sleeping again- but laying in bed with Adam has some strange level of comfort to it that he can't quite parse. It's why the world was just slightly better when Adam crawled into the passenger seat to sleep, except this is closer, more intimate, and Ronan is too caught up in the activities of the day and the sudden rush of memories of this place to completely shut down in the wake of losing his mother.

His eyes lower for a moment, before slowly and wordlessly, Ronan lifts his hand up to touch Adam's face, gently sliding his thumb across one of the raised welts, careful not to put too much pressure on it. He should probably let Adam sleep, he knows, but first he wants to look at him and see how much he's been changed by the last twenty-four hours of their lives.]

[He doesn't have anything to offer Ronan but this, a safe space to relax in and try to find some comfort. So he'll do what he can, he will at least be there. He'll probably sleep - Adam is exhausted, and he knows that Ronan will wake him if he needs him. He'll wake on his own if Ronan gets up. It'll be something, at least.

He watches Ronan quietly and stills at the brush of his thumb. The marks hurt, a little, still raw. It was bare hours ago that they were made - that he made them. The demon possessing his hands clawing into his skin. And doing worse, too. He can't look at Ronan's neck, certainly can't bring himself to come anywhere near touching it. He never wanted to hurt Ronan. Maybe it hadn't really been him, but - Adam remembers it so clearly. His own hands, wrapped around Ronan's neck.

He pushes the thought away. It's not something he can deal with right now. It just isn't.

Instead, Adam raises his hand, covering Ronan's, holding on to him gently. For a moment, all he can think about is how grateful he is that Ronan is here with him. Alive and reasonably well. Adam remembers the sound of him being unmade.

Adam has more than his fair share of unpleasant memories, he's had more than his fair share of bad moments. That was the worst.]

They'll heal.

[Ronan should probably let Adam sleep- and he will, but even after the hurt of everything else, it hurts to see Adam injured like this. He had to move when it happened, had to keep going in the wake of everything else, but now that they have a moment to lay down and look at one another, he sees them and remembers the abject misery in Adam's voice.

He never wants to hear that again.

But he doesn't really have the words to say it. Ronan doesn't know if he has the words for anything right now, he's so exhausted and so afraid of what sleep could bring and it's easier to just shut off and not be than it is to actually try. He'll do that when he lets Adam sleep, but for now, he lets his hand fall with a small nod at Adam's reassurance.]

It all will.

[It's just a whisper, but he means it, even if it's difficult for him to believe right now. Ronan doesn't think he can survive without Gansey, but he also didn't think he could survive without the Barns. He can't stomach the trauma of losing Aurora, but he's already endured it from losing Niall. His bruises will heal, Adam's marks will heal, and they still have one another- broken maybe, useless for awhile, probably, but Ronan has come back from being unmade twice now and a small, stubborn part of him isn't about to let all of that go to waste.]

[Even what little distance is between them feels like too much right now. Adam doesn't want to press anything on to Ronan, doesn't want him to feel trapped or forced into anything, but he also doesn't think he'll be able to relax if they aren't in contact somehow.

And, more than that, he wants to hold on to Ronan. He wants to feel him, to know that he's real, that he's not going anywhere. That whatever else might have happened, Ronan survived. Adam hasn't lost him, not yet, hopefully not ever. Not because of the demon or because of what he did or because of - any of a number of things.

He reaches out, catches Ronan's arm, pulls him closer. His hand slides up, fingers curling around the base of Ronan's skull, the back of his neck, leading him gently so that Ronan can lay his head on Adam's shoulder if he wants to. Only if he wants to. Otherwise, Adam will move back, give him space on the pillow, let him have what distance he needs.

But he can't let go completely. Maybe it's selfish, but he needs to hold on to Ronan somehow, some little piece of comfort for himself, even while he wants to give everything else to Ronan. Adam slips an arm around his waist, resting his palm against Ronan's back. He wants to hold Ronan there - honestly, he wants to cling to him as if Ronan might disappear at any second - but he forces himself not to. He just rests his hand there, instead, giving him enough slack to move away if he wants.

It's a struggle between Adam's selfish need to hold tightly to him and his desire to give Ronan whatever space he needs, but in the end, Ronan's needs will win out. Adam wants, more than anything, to be there for him, and if that means backing off, he will.]

[Ronan doesn't resist when Adam moves them, though physical comfort like this isn't exactly a familiar sensation. He usually pulls away from people, lashes out in anger, says cutting things, gets drunk, tries to find anything to separate him from his pain.

This isn't like that. This is Adam acknowledging that he's hurt, that he's fucked up and at the end of his line- and taking him in anyway. In a way, it forces Ronan to face his own feelings, which is difficult for him to wrest through, but it also means that he doesn't have to do this alone. The solidarity is something that he's not sure if he's felt before, and he knows that Adam must be suffering too, but the fact that they can suffer together instead of pushing away to spiral is- well, it's different. Ronan isn't sure if it's good or not, it doesn't feel good, but it also doesn't feel as violent as screaming everything out into a bottle and bloodying his fists on someone else's face.

He moves with the shifting, resting his cheek against the hollow of Adam's shoulder, his eyes lowered, almost closed but not quite. He doesn't know how he feels, beyond the anger and the grief and the shock of it, and it all carves though his chest until he just feels hollow and quiet in Adam's arms.

Ronan reaches out to wrap an arm around his waist, holding on tightly to him and trying to just focus on breathing, laying there, inhaling the soft, earthy scent of Adam's skin. He's not going to sleep- there's no way he's going to let himself. Still, that doesn't mean that he can't settle like this, warm and cracked and quiet on their shitty bed in this stupid city between worlds.]

[Something inside Adam relaxes a little when he feels Ronan's arm around his waist, his head resting against Adam's shoulder. He knows they're both usually the type to work their grief and anger out alone, but he'd tried to be there for Ronan and home - and now, here, he remembers all the other things they've been through. All the ways they've been there for each other, or not.

He doesn't want Ronan to be alone. He doesn't want to be alone.

He holds Ronan close, feeling the warm weight of his body and the soft brush of his breath. Adam deliberately tries not to think of anything, tries to push everything that's happened away. He wants to just exist in this moment with Ronan. Give him a tiny bit of peace, though they both know it's not enough.

Adam is exhausted. He's always been able to sleep pretty much anywhere, and this is no different. Ronan will wake him if he needs him - he hopes - so that's okay. He lets his eyes slide shut, lets his breathing even out. He doesn't let go of Ronan, even while he slips into an uneasy sleep.]

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gold light shining on so many things

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