hadriel_logs | gold light shining on so many things

Entry tags:

gold light shining on so many things

Who: The Raven boys and Blue (

quaerit,

ampliat,

greywaren,

unknowable,

casperdisaster) + anyone else who drops in!
What: Gansey, Blue, Adam, and Ronan disappeared for a few days and return having suffered a both traumatic and pleasant canon update
Where: House 1303 and around Hadriel
When: 6/10-ish
Warnings: Swearing, the effects of trauma, heightened teenage emotions, probably kissing (that hopefully will not kill anyone), definitely TRK spoilers

[Feel free to make your own starter and tag others, and for non-canonmates dropping by to welcome CR back - feel free to tag in anywhere that isn't specifically closed to someone!]

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[ Gansey nods. That much is true. ]

No. I died on the ley line, and that was enough. Enough to stop the demon, I think.

[ He remembers Blue’s lips. Then there was oblivion, and then there was oblivion ending, and the feeling of eternity inside of him, condensing itself, building him around it. He’d gone from nothing to everything in an instant.

But it had happened before. Or it would happen again. Or it was always happening, at every moment. That’s how it seems to him. Time slips around him because there’s some part of him, the Cabeswater part, that moves differently in time from the rest of him.

It’s so strange. But at least he understands it now. ]

You brought me back. All of you. You asked Cabeswater, and it…gave itself for me. It remade me, Ronan. I know it sounds impossible, but it’s me.

It’s the truth, I promise you.

I don't remember that.

[But it could have happened. Ronan is well aware of the fact that sometimes people are brought here from different times, but hearing that he survived, hearing that Gansey somehow survived is almost too much to hope for. He knows that Gansey wouldn't lie to him- Gansey values a certain kind of honesty, not the same type of thing that Ronan prides himself in, but a similar enough concept that Ronan doesn't believe that he's lying now, just to make him feel better.

Slowly, he relents, the tension and anger bleeding from him in slow waves. Gansey, alive after all, and- well, nothing much beats that.

Ronan reaches a hand up and touches Gansey's shoulder for a moment, as if to ensure the reality of him through physical contact, before bringing him in roughly for another hug, this one far more relieved and a little more clumsy than the last.]

-shit, Gansey. Jesus fuck.

[ Gansey watches Ronan shed his anger like a mask. It is a mask, he knows, just as much as Gansey's politeness is a mask. The real Ronan, his Ronan, is underneath. There's so much that Gansey remembers now, things he hadn't known at home. Dreams where he'd seen the old one again, and understood that this one is so much more. This Ronan, the present Ronan, the dreamer, the farmer, the most creative person Gansey knows. This is his Ronan.

He wants to say that they'll be all right now. That even though they're here, the worst is over. But the thing is, he doesn't know if that's true. He doesn't know what the future holds anymore, and in some ways, that's more liberating than safety.

More frightening, too. But it's all right to be afraid, sometimes. You can be afraid, and happy. ]

It's done. It's really done, I'm going to live. And so are you, I promise.

[ I'm not going anywhere, he thinks. And he's hugging Ronan back just as tightly, just as fiercely. He is a warm and solid presence in Ronan's arms. He's not sure he's ever felt as alive as he does right now.

He pulls back enough to look at Ronan, and tries to sound something more like himself. ]

It's just a shame we're going to live here. Can you believe this timing? It's like they're doing it on purpose.

[I'm going to live and so are you.

Somehow, it feels like he's been waiting for years to hear those words. Ronan's grip goes slack at the sound of Gansey's voice, before he tightens again, relief and joy and anticipation and accomplishment somehow all churning together to make him immeasurably sad, as if all of the everything he'd been biding away before this point has decided to surface now that he doesn't have to just get through it anymore.

He got through it. They all did, and they're going to live.

For the first time, Ronan considers their future. Not just the Barns, not just the separation he'd been so scared of in the recent months, but a future beyond this quest, beyond self discovery, even beyond Cabeswater. He doesn't know what it could be, he doesn't even know where he'd start, but it feels all at once, overwhelming with possibility. It feels like an open field with a horizon that stretches on forever. It feels like growing up.

Gansey is pulling back before Ronan is quite ready to face him again, and so he turns away for a moment, rubs at his eyes like he's tired or something, and nods, his throat a little stuck when he speaks.]

It's fucked up. It still has all of us, though. [Ronan swallows, wets his lips so his voice sounds a little less strained.]

Here together.

[ Gansey hadn't expected to see that level of emotion on his friend's face, or to hear it in his voice. He hadn't been conscious for the tears Ronan had shed after his death, and in some ways that's a good thing. It would have broken his heart. It almost does now, even though he understands that these are happier tears.

He doesn't embarrass Ronan by pointing them out; he knows that wouldn't be fair. Instead, he puts a solid and firm hand on his shoulder to squeeze. He understands. The grief doesn't have to be spoken between them. ]

Together, and that's something. I wouldn't like any of us to be here alone. This world clearly isn't finished with us yet.

[ Which means, actually, that there are further trials ahead of them here. This world is not a pleasant one. Even if there are times when it works to make them happy, there are other times when all it wants is to hurt them. Gansey has had enough of pain. But apparently, Hadriel isn't finished providing it to him. At least he has his friends to face it beside him. ]

I suppose we ought to go and see what it wants.

[Ronan understands the sentiment behind Gansey's words. Here, there are new adventures, new things that are bound to happen to them all, new traumas to experience, but also new snatches of joy. There's no telling what the future could hold and that in itself is daunting and yet exhilarating at the same time. He's certainly not happy to be here, but the idea of possibility isn't an altogether unpleasant one.

They have each other, after all. If Gansey's alive, then they can do anything.]

Sure.

[It's a little more optimistic of a view than he really should have, with the last day and a half shaping up to be- well, how it's been. A new location, the same location that he was in just a few days ago, a location that he hasn't been in for months, a location that he has fond memories of being in with the knowledge that his mother was alive and his father's creations were stable... well, it has a strange way of pushing back everything else for the time being.]

I'll follow your lead.

[ Those words take Gansey so strongly back to Ronan's car, sitting in The Barns, where Ronan had sat dull-eyed after he'd found his mother. In reality, that was only hours ago - less than one day, from their perspective. But time had twisted around them, and it feels like far longer than that has passed. Ronan seems different, too; more active than he had been, because he'd had to make himself focus on a different crisis.

In a way that had helped, probably, but it doesn't mean it's where grief ends. ]

I know you will. You always have.

[ More than any of them have, Ronan has. ]

The thing is, I'm not sure where I'm leading now. None of it ended the way I thought. Not Glendower, not Cabeswater...none of it. And I didn't exactly have plans for afterwards, anyway. We'll need a new direction now, every one of us.

[In truth, that part doesn't bother Ronan as much. It had never been about the direction for him as it had been about Gansey's feet leading him somewhere else. When he had nothing, he had Gansey's blind quest and his charismatic ambition. It hadn't always worked, Ronan hadn't always pushed himself to come home at night or leave his room in the first place or agree to anything- but it worked enough.

He doesn't really care what else there is, as long as Gansey is leading them to it, as long as they're all in. That's all that's ever mattered to him.

Not that things haven't changed, or that things won't change moving forward, but Ronan doesn't know how much. His mother is gone, Cabeswater is... complicated, everything is in the air, but Gansey is still here, and Hadriel is still here, and as long as they're all in this city then nobody can actually leave.

It's a sobering thought, and one that Ronan hadn't been intending- but once he considers it, he realizes the weight of it in a strange mixture of guilt and relief. At least they have this. At least this won't change, can't change. They may go through nightmares here, he may miss the Barns and Matthew and Orphan Girl, but at least he still has Gansey and Adam and all the others.]

We'll find it. [And then, he corrects-] -you'll find it. I know you will.

[ Ronan has always had faith in Gansey. Maybe he's had more faith in him than any of them, including Gansey himself. He's certainly more sure than Gansey is now. But then, Gansey's whole world has been overturned. Everything has changed for him. he'd had exactly one reason for living these past seven years, and now it's gone. He has to find out who he'll be without the quest, and while he feels as ready for that as he did at home, it's also still frightening.

It's an open road ahead of him, and he doesn't know where it leads.

He's glad that he doesn't know. It just doesn't make things any less strange, for a boy who's spend the last seven years on a very certain, single-minded path. ]

I hope you're right. But you were right the first time. We'll find it. All of us, together.

[ He touches Ronan's arm, taking a firm hold. ]

I won't leave you behind again. I never did admit how wrong that was.

[Ronan isn't sure what to make of the- apology? Whatever it is. He didn't expect it and it hurt at the time, but with everything thats happened since then, it feels like such a small thing now. But Gansey's fingers are warm on his arm, reassuring and firm and Ronan doesn't know what to say, and so his head drops a little and he goes quiet.

It wouldn't be fair of him to tell Gansey what a panic they'd all been in, or that he'd had to go back into a dream to find him. That he'd risked his own life so soon after almost losing it, gone back to where his mother had died and everything was being razed to the ground- Adam had said as much back in the caves and Gansey had reacted then, and Ronan had taken it in and accepted it then.

So his jaw merely goes a little tight and he nods, looking down at Gansey's fingers for a moment before easing into the touch.]

Just don't-

[He doesn't know what Gansey looked like when he died, but he's seen it in his dreams enough to guess, and the image that presents itself in his head is unpleasant. Ronan takes a deep breath and steadies himself before refocusing on Gansey, more resolute, the vulnerable parts of him starting to creep back into the corners of his heart where they belong.]

-don't die again.

[ Gansey had spent a lot of the last six months thinking about death. Some of the time, he’d been trying not to think about death, and the rest of the time he’d been worrying about how it might happen. How it had actually happened – that he would go to it willingly, choosing it despite not wanting it – was not an option that occurred to him until the moment he did it. He knows that it had bothered Ronan more than anyone. He hadn’t accepted it even from a practical perspective. And Gansey couldn’t blame him, not after everyone else he’d lost. It hadn’t been fair.

Gansey hadn’t been fair, either. He’d tried to protect Ronan and instead he’d made him worry. Made him dream again, at a time when he should have been steering clear.

Gansey doesn’t argue. He nods, and lets out the breath he’d been holding. ]

I don’t intend to. Twice is quite enough. And we have too much living to do, all of us. I’m not going anywhere.

[ He says that firmly, his eyes lifted to Ronan’s. I won’t leave you. ]

We’re getting out of here together, okay?

[Ronan nods, believing Gansey because he doesn't have much alternative. Believing in Gansey has always been sort of like that, though- because, at its core, Gansey was always a promise to keep moving forward, to keep living, to find something worthwhile, and falling away from that would have meant... well, the opposite. Ronan had been tempted to lose that faith a few times in the past year or so, but he always managed to cling to his regard and Gansey had always seen them through.

He'll see them through now, and Ronan tries to put his entire self behind that thought, because doubting Gansey now after everything wouldn't make much sense at all.]

Yeah. All of us.

[He doesn't know if he can talk much about everything else that's happened to them- in the stunning haze of being transported to Hadriel again, everything that happened in the last twenty-four hours in Henrietta seems further away. Right now, that's how Ronan prefers it, and so he tries to leave it at that.]

C'mon, we should make sure all our shit is still here.

[It's a decent enough change of topic, and Ronan turns away from Gansey to move toward the kitchen, where he knows that he kept a few bottles of liquor before they left.]

[ It's not going to be easy, being back here. Hadriel has its own problems, and Gansey is well aware that they're not nearly over the problems of Henrietta. The climax of the demon's attack, Adam's possession, Ronan's unmaking, Gansey's death - that has finished. But the pain of how their quest had ended, the worse pain of Aurora's death, the loss of Cabeswater - that will take longer. Gansey doesn't know how to address any of it right now.

Especially where Ronan is concerned. He'd lost his mother. He's holding himself together now, but Gansey doesn't expect that to last. The Ronan who'd sat in the car, barely speaking to anyone, still haunts his thoughts. That emotion is still in there somewhere.

He nods, though. Right now, they all just need to catch their breath. Gansey had run straight here from where he'd woken, and he'd been dead right before that. He thinks, maybe, he could use a few minutes alone. He needs to pack that emotion away into something he can move forward with. He thinks Ronan might need the same. ]

Okay. I don't think I had much, anyway. My journal, though...

[ The new one, he means. The one he'd found here and had been using to record findings in Hadriel. He moves towards the living room, trying to remember where he'd had it last. ]

I'll find it. Listen, let me know if you see Noah? If we're back, he has to be. We wouldn't have left him behind.

[ They couldn't have. Noah had been so faded at home, and so vulnerable. But here, he's real and alive. They have to find him, too. ]

[Ronan recognizes Gansey backing off, which- he doesn't want him to, he just got him back, but he also feels like they could both use a little composure. Gansey has just been revived, after all, and he-

-well, he doesn't want to think about it. Maybe when he's alone later, but right now, there's just a focus on making sure everyone is together and safe- maybe after a quick break to recollect themselves. Ronan does need to breathe, and as much as he adores Gansey, it's difficult when someone else is in the room with him.]

I'll look for him.

[Another thing to worry about. It's not necessarily that Noah had slipped his mind, but rather, that Noah has had such a lack of presence for weeks now that looking for him hadn't quite been at the top of Ronan's priority list. But he remembers Noah here in a winding rush, and how different he is from Noah there, and it's jarring enough to make him shift to wanting to find him sooner, rather than later.

First thing's first, of course- he nods at Gansey, before moving into the kitchen and closing his eyes (he's tired, but that's- that's nothing right now), leaning a hip against the counter. In a moment, he'll move again, turn around, leave and search for Noah. In a moment, he'll try to take stock of everything, make sure it's all where he left it. In a moment, he'll start putting everything back together.

Here, alone, now, he just catches his breath.]

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gold light shining on so many things

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