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hadriel_logs2016-06-10 08:13 pm
unknowable) wrote in hadriel_logs2016-06-10 08:13 pm
Entry tags:
gold light shining on so many things
Who: The Raven boys and Blue (quaerit, ampliat, greywaren, unknowable, casperdisaster) + anyone else who drops in!
What: Gansey, Blue, Adam, and Ronan disappeared for a few days and return having suffered a both traumatic and pleasant canon update
Where: House 1303 and around Hadriel
When: 6/10-ish
Warnings: Swearing, the effects of trauma, heightened teenage emotions, probably kissing (that hopefully will not kill anyone), definitely TRK spoilers
[Feel free to make your own starter and tag others, and for non-canonmates dropping by to welcome CR back - feel free to tag in anywhere that isn't specifically closed to someone!]
quaerit, ampliat, greywaren, unknowable, casperdisaster) + anyone else who drops in!What: Gansey, Blue, Adam, and Ronan disappeared for a few days and return having suffered a both traumatic and pleasant canon update
Where: House 1303 and around Hadriel
When: 6/10-ish
Warnings: Swearing, the effects of trauma, heightened teenage emotions, probably kissing (that hopefully will not kill anyone), definitely TRK spoilers
[Feel free to make your own starter and tag others, and for non-canonmates dropping by to welcome CR back - feel free to tag in anywhere that isn't specifically closed to someone!]
no subject
So Noah waits for it. Waits for the realization to set in, for Gansey to figure out what it means. There's a lot Noah could say to try to explain it, but He doesn't need something convoluted, doesn't need the reasoning that the whole meaning of the quest was the journey itself.
That Noah never told him to look for Glendower, but that Glendower was the reason he lived. Because that quest took him to Ronan, to Noah, to Adam, to Blue, to Henry.]
The living move on a straight line through time, Gansey. The dead don't.
The last time we spoke for you was when I lead you to the roof, right?
The last time we spoke for me was when I told you that you were living because of Glendower. That's the last thing I did - the last thing I do - before I'm gone.
no subject
[ Gansey tries to work his mind around it. Seven years of obsession, of desperation, of travelling to multiple countries and speaking to hundreds of people, most of whom humored him at best and thought him crazy at worst. The growing, deepening, insatiable need to believe in magic because to believe anything else would make him crazy, the lack of understanding for how he’d been saved and the thought that it might be for something important, something that would give meaning to all the rest. All of that had been crafted. Those years were spent searching for something that wasn’t real, for a King who was dead after all.
But he had found magic, even so. And he’d found friends, friends who became far more important to him than Glendower, in the end. He remembers how the quest became his life, but how Blue and Henry had made him want a life outside of it, beyond it. How he saw Adam and Ronan moving on, making plans, and how it had made him ache to believe he had nowhere to go once he found that tomb.
He’d begun that quest because of a lie. He’d believed in the wrong thing, and yet without that belief, he wouldn’t have found any of them. He feels his eyes closing. ]
I’m never going to see you again, am I.
[ It’s not even a question. The last thing I do…
A thing that’s already been done. He’d known that Noah was fading beyond repair. He’d seen it when the demon possessed him. It had been a question of when, and now he knows the answer to that too. ]
When we leave this world for the last time, you’ll be gone. The last thing you ever do is tell me to live. Noah.
[ He turns away. Enough people have seen him cry tonight, and he can’t bear it again. There’s been too much loss. Noah is the friend he couldn’t save, the friend who’d spent his last conscious seconds saving Gansey instead. He pushes the heels of his hands into his eyes. ]
It’s not what I wanted. I’ll miss you so much.
no subject
[The gentle assertion says more than those two words. He knows Gansey will miss hom, that he'll be remembered. And god, that means so much.
There was never any saving of Noah, there was just remembering him, making his death mean something, fixing the mess someone made by taking Noah's life.
There's no fixing some things, much as even Noah would like to believe otherwise.]
But you'll make so many more friends, Gansey. You'll have a life past Glendower, you'll have a future and you'll be happy. ... and that's what I wanted. [Noah doesn't Know this the way he Knew things before. His time is a closed circle of seven years - he doesn't know anything past that, past them breaking out of it and moving onwards. But he feels like he knows Blue, and he feels like he knows Gansey, and what he's seen through them of Henry, well.
Noah has faith.
He knows the tears are there even if Gansey turns away, and while Noah wants to give him his time, his space, he still reaches out to touch Gansey's shoulder. Yes, when they leave Hadriel for the last time, Gansey will never see Noah again because he'll be gone. But he's here now. That will have to be enough.]
I think you're older now than I ever got to be. I'll always be with you in the abstract, so... just live for both of us, okay?
no subject
He makes himself rub the tears from his eyes. This has to stop. It has to be enough. If this place is all they have together then he must, he absolutely must, make it count. There's only one way to do that. ]
I will.
[ He looks up at Noah, expression still unhappy, but working at locking it away. ]
I'll try. You hold on for as long as you can, Noah. Make as much out of life as you can. Our story hasn't ended yet, do you understand? You told me not to throw it away.
Don't you, either.
no subject
[Noah's gentle as he brings his hand up to Gansey's cheek again, just touching his face. His own are still damp from tears falling. He's not really trying to hide it, there's no point.]
I'm not going to throw away the extra time I've been given. You don't have to hide your sadness from me though, Gansey.
no subject
You shouldn't have to see it. Christ knows you have enough to deal with without trying to make me feel better.
[ He's sad because he knows he'll lose Noah, but for Noah that means dying all over again. It means losing what was left of his consciousness. Moving on. What happens after that is something Gansey doesn't know. Neither of his deaths had ever gotten that far. His spirit had always been close enough to come back. ]
Besides, you're here now. We should be celebrating, not---
This. [ He gestures between their faces, both of which are now stained with tears. That's not how it should be. ]
I'm so glad you're here. I'm glad we could come back to you, after everything was done.
no subject
[Spending most of his time at the bar. He's still not entirely sober, either, though that can't be blamed for the embarrassing honesty of feelings. Noah would probably be doing that anyway right now regardless.]
Might as well keep celebrating and stave off the hangover for another day, yeah?
[Noah's faint grin has a bit of the old mischievousness in it. He knows this statement will not be agreed with after the last time he took in too much when Delight was revived.]
Your sadness isn't a burden either, Gansey. It's not some heavy cross I need to carry. Always made me feel special that you trusted me that way, actually.
no subject
You’re going to have so many regrets in the morning. I’m not going to be responsible for making it worse. I should be pouring a pint of water for you right now.
[ Though, even that method might not be enough to save Noah from himself. Gansey touches his shoulders. ]
Thank you, though. You have to know it’s not about not trusting you.
[ It’s about wanting to protect other people from his own issues, when they have so many of their own. He’s better at sharing with Noah than most, but that’s because it’s Noah. He’s always had his ways of already knowing. ]
no subject
[That he is going to have so many regrets in the morning - that won't matter though because his friends will be here, because he won't have the harsh light of another day to face all alone and drive him straight back to whatever self-destructive hobby he can find to drag himself through it. A hangover, even an awful one, is minimal pain compared to the thought of another day without his friends.
He also knows that it's not about trust for Gansey sharing his sadness. It still stands that Noah doesn't see there to be a reason to hide it. A lot of that shame of sharing feelings died with the body too though, or somewhere shortly after. A hollow boy made of the parts that Cabeswater felt worthwhile to salvage from the wreckage, falling apart at the seams. But not here. Here Noah's as whole as he'll ever be, but the decay at least is on pause.]
Come on, let's go to the kitchen. You can pour me some water and we'll call it even.
no subject
All right. And then you can catch me up on everything that's happened here while we've been gone. I hope everyone treated you well.
[ Mostly, he hopes Noah had some company. He won't say that, though, there's no need to draw attention to it. ]
no subject
Everyone tried to stop me from drinking myself to another death. The Alcohol Demon was very unwilling to live up to his name in that regard, actually. Everyone was very kind. I think. From what I can remember.
[He was only sober for a few hours.]
no subject
Well, thank Christ some of them kept their heads in a crisis. I'm so sorry you were left here alone, Noah. I never wanted that.
[ And honestly, he hadn't guessed. Noah had been there with them at home, albeit in his far diminished form. But he'd still been there. Gansey had assumed he'd left this place with them, until Noah himself said otherwise. ]
no subject
[But aside from a few completely hammered panics he was certain they didn't choose to leave him.]
It was only a couple days.