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hadriel_logs2016-02-12 07:44 pm
unknowable) wrote in hadriel_logs2016-02-12 07:44 pm
Entry tags:
hang on to your dreams
Who: Adam Parrish (unknowable) and OPEN
What: Catch-all log for the month of February!
Where: Around the city
When: February 12-29 - put a date in your thread header if it matters!
Warnings: General stupid teenage boy-ness, swearing probably, possible mentions of violence
[a: scavenging]
[With a house full of teenage boys (and one raven) to feed, it's pretty normal for Adam to make supply runs, picking up whatever he can find from one of the many stores scattered around the city. It seems like the offerings are different every time he goes out, which at least makes it interesting. The basics can be counted on: strange, unfamilar fruit with occasional apples or oranges or bananas mixed in, cans of odd soups, boxes of various other foods. Right now, Adam is holding a box of cereal. The front says Fruit Spins in cursive print, and there's something that resembles a toucan but definitely isn't one.]
Well... I guess that's close enough.
[Adam's tone is extremely doubtful, but he looks like he's planning to take the box anyway.]
[b: park]
[It's not a forest, and it's not Cabeswater, but the trees in the park are real, and that offers Adam some kind of comfort. He misses home the same way he always has - shamefully, resentfully, angry at himself for letting Henrietta and the doublewide trailer he spent most of his life in have such a hold on him. He's always wanted to get out, desperately, always worked for that, but he wonders sometimes if there's no real way to shake the dust off his shoes. If, no matter where or how far he goes, there will always be some disgusting part of him that misses it.
But there's nothing wrong with missing Cabeswater. Well, it's with him, even now, but not the real thing. He can't walk under the trees or feel the pulse of the ley line. This is the closest he can get.
He lays on the grass under one of the trees, looking up at the light through the leaves. Like this, he can almost pretend he isn't in a cave. He can let his thoughts drift, let himself just be.
He almost falls asleep, until the sound of a footstep jolts him out of his reverie. He sits up, suddenly, and looking in that direction, a bit like a startled deer.]
[c: at home]
[Plenty of things to do at the raven boy house, which is not and never will be named something silly like Monmouth II. Adam tries to keep it a few steps below 'disaster area', which is not so very easy to do when they're all teenage boys and one of them is Ronan Lynch. He also tries to make sure they have food and other supplies - not out of a desire to take care of his friends, but out of his basic practical nature. Ronan doesn't care about these things at all, Gansey is too easily caught up in books and new amazing things, and Noah is a ghost. Adam might as well try to make sure they have dishes to eat off of and food to eat from those dishes.
Anyway, he does better when he has things to do. At home, Adam barely had an hour or two of free time here and there. Here, his time is free unless he fills it with things, and so he does, because he doesn't really know how to handle actual free time anymore.
Right now, he's in the kitchen, mundanely washing dishes. He figured the sink out long ago, at least, so that's good. He'll come to the door, if it's knocked on, or he'll allow himself to be disturbed, but otherwise - today Adam Parrish will be playing the part of underpaid (well, unpaid) dishwasher.]
[d: let me know if you'd like to do something else and I'll write up a starter for you!]
unknowable) and OPENWhat: Catch-all log for the month of February!
Where: Around the city
When: February 12-29 - put a date in your thread header if it matters!
Warnings: General stupid teenage boy-ness, swearing probably, possible mentions of violence
[a: scavenging]
[With a house full of teenage boys (and one raven) to feed, it's pretty normal for Adam to make supply runs, picking up whatever he can find from one of the many stores scattered around the city. It seems like the offerings are different every time he goes out, which at least makes it interesting. The basics can be counted on: strange, unfamilar fruit with occasional apples or oranges or bananas mixed in, cans of odd soups, boxes of various other foods. Right now, Adam is holding a box of cereal. The front says Fruit Spins in cursive print, and there's something that resembles a toucan but definitely isn't one.]
Well... I guess that's close enough.
[Adam's tone is extremely doubtful, but he looks like he's planning to take the box anyway.]
[b: park]
[It's not a forest, and it's not Cabeswater, but the trees in the park are real, and that offers Adam some kind of comfort. He misses home the same way he always has - shamefully, resentfully, angry at himself for letting Henrietta and the doublewide trailer he spent most of his life in have such a hold on him. He's always wanted to get out, desperately, always worked for that, but he wonders sometimes if there's no real way to shake the dust off his shoes. If, no matter where or how far he goes, there will always be some disgusting part of him that misses it.
But there's nothing wrong with missing Cabeswater. Well, it's with him, even now, but not the real thing. He can't walk under the trees or feel the pulse of the ley line. This is the closest he can get.
He lays on the grass under one of the trees, looking up at the light through the leaves. Like this, he can almost pretend he isn't in a cave. He can let his thoughts drift, let himself just be.
He almost falls asleep, until the sound of a footstep jolts him out of his reverie. He sits up, suddenly, and looking in that direction, a bit like a startled deer.]
[c: at home]
[Plenty of things to do at the raven boy house, which is not and never will be named something silly like Monmouth II. Adam tries to keep it a few steps below 'disaster area', which is not so very easy to do when they're all teenage boys and one of them is Ronan Lynch. He also tries to make sure they have food and other supplies - not out of a desire to take care of his friends, but out of his basic practical nature. Ronan doesn't care about these things at all, Gansey is too easily caught up in books and new amazing things, and Noah is a ghost. Adam might as well try to make sure they have dishes to eat off of and food to eat from those dishes.
Anyway, he does better when he has things to do. At home, Adam barely had an hour or two of free time here and there. Here, his time is free unless he fills it with things, and so he does, because he doesn't really know how to handle actual free time anymore.
Right now, he's in the kitchen, mundanely washing dishes. He figured the sink out long ago, at least, so that's good. He'll come to the door, if it's knocked on, or he'll allow himself to be disturbed, but otherwise - today Adam Parrish will be playing the part of underpaid (well, unpaid) dishwasher.]
[d: let me know if you'd like to do something else and I'll write up a starter for you!]
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[And Adam knows that is true, much as it doesn't exactly sit right with him. It's not that he thinks concealing things, lying to Gansey is the right thing to do, it's just that he thinks it might be the kinder thing to do. To let him continue without knowing that he'd died miserably, that it happened and it could happen again. Like the vision, that he knows he'll have to tell Gansey about again. Maybe not right now, not this exact second, but eventually.
But if Gansey wants the truth, Adam will give it to him. It won't be easy, but in the end, it's probably better.
He finishes the last of the plates, handing it to Gansey to be dried, and turns the water off, taking another hand towel to dry his hands.]
I don't know what else to tell you, though. A lot of things happened, but mostly it was just - day to day living. Trying to survive. We helped each other out, all of us.
[And sometimes it worked better than others, and sometimes they got along better than other times. The details aren't so important, though Adam will go into them if Gansey really wants to hear. But he's the one who doesn't always want to relive them - he saw his greatest fears, he saw his father again, and it was awful. He got attacked by a yeti. He broke a pinata full of scorpions open with Noah. He stupidly kissed Ronan.
A lot of things. Details. He wouldn't even know what to say.]
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The dry plates are set aside. He doesn’t want to keep talking about himself, that much is certain. Always, it’s easier not to.
So he focuses on something else, something that’s been bothering since he arrived. He could never have opened with this, anyway. ]
How about what’s happened with you and Ronan, then?
[ If Adam doesn’t know what else to tell him, that is. It seems like a good place to start. ]
I know something has, I’m not blind. You’ve been strange with each other since I got here. You said it wasn’t a fight, so did something else happen?
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So he knew the question was coming. That doesn't change just how little he wants to discuss it.
But Gansey wants to know what they've been through together, and Adam has already decided not to lie. And he did know, before. Not all of it, but some. What little Adam had been willing to talk about. And things are different now - he's pretty well fucked it up - but Gansey is still his best friend, and Ronan is Ronan.
He's quiet for a long moment before he answers.]
I did something stupid, that's all.
[And really, Adam wants to leave it at that. But he knows Gansey will ask what, and he'll have to either answer or lie or avoid it, and in the end it's not like it can stay a secret long anyway. And maybe some part of Adam wants to talk about it, wants to ask someone why this keeps happening to him, what's so wrong with him that no one wants him.
Gansey doesn't deserve to be that person, but he's the one asking right now. So - though it feels a bit like pulling out his own teeth - Adam elaborates.]
I kissed him. He wasn't into it. Just - give it a while, I guess, and he'll stop being mad and everything will go back to normal.
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But this seems like one of the latter times. He's missed too much. He needs to be involved in his friends' lives again, needs to understand what's happened between them.
That fact, though, is one he doesn't anticipate at all. Genuine surprise startles its way onto his face. He is thankfully quick to compose himself, thanks to years of practice at that art, but it's clear he wasn't expecting that. ]
You...well.
I really have missed a lot. Adam, since when have you been interested in Ronan? [ A pause. ] And...men, in general?
[ Because honestly, Gansey had been fairly certain Adam still had feelings for Blue, his ex-girlfriend, who also happens to be all of their friend, and also happens to be the object of Gansey's unfortunate affections. Adam's feelings for her had been a large part of the reason why he and Blue had decided nothing could happen between them. The idea of Adam being not only over that, but interested in another gender entirely, comes completely out of left field to Gansey. ]
I had no idea. Jesus, I've missed a lot.
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So he's not sure what to say. At least Gansey doesn't seem disgusted by the thought, even if he's clearly surprised. It's not entirely unpleasant, actually, telling Gansey on his own terms. After all, Adam prefers to do most things on his own terms.
He shrugs, a little awkward.]
I never really had a chance to consider it back home. I don't know if I ever would have, if not for Ronan.
[Because it was a lot easier to ignore and explain away any kind of attraction to men when it wasn't real, when nothing could ever have come of it anyway. Ronan made it real, made it something that could actually happen, and Adam had to acknowledge that it wasn't a thought that disturbed him, that it never really had been.]
But we got here, and things changed. So, you know. Men in general. Ronan in particular. Girls too, but right now -
[He looks away, because fuck if he can say the truth. Right now, just Ronan. He's not particularly interested in anyone else, man or woman, and it looks like he messed that up. Just another disastrous romantic misstep in the life of Adam Parrish.]
You didn't really miss anything. It's not like I've been running around kissing a bunch of people.
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But he hadn't thought of them together. It wouldn't have occurred to him, not when he'd been so convinced that Adam still wanted Blue. Now he's reassessing all of that. His eyes are focused and glittering, while he turns events around in his head and starts to see them differently.
That day they'd disappeared, when they were just meant to go to the mall for Gwenllian. The day Persephone had died, and Gansey had been with Blue, and Ronan had just stayed downstairs with Adam...
Jesus, he hadn't thought. Should he have seen more in those actions? Maybe, if he hadn't been so focused on Blue himself. But the way Adam is talking now, it's s clear. Ronan in particular.
Adam doesn't need to say it. Gansey can be oblivious, but this is not subtle. He tilts his head, looking to catch Adam's eyes. ]
Right now, it's him. Only him.
[ Gansey leans back, and unconsciously, a hand raises to run his thumb over his lip. ]
What happened when you kissed him? Ronan is -
[ Gansey pauses. He doesn't know how to explain. He would have been quicker to think this of Ronan than Adam; Ronan, who's never shown interest of any sort in girls in all the time Gansey's known him. Ronan, who Kavinsky had been so convinced was interested in Gansey. Ronan, liking men? That wouldn't surprise him at all. ]
- well. What did he actually say?
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Gansey doesn't seem upset or disturbed. That's good. There's some part of Adam that is worried about that, even now, because Gansey is his best friend and he doesn't want to lose that. He was an interloper into their friendship from the beginning, and liking Ronan changes things, and - he doesn't know. Some part of Adam will always be certain that if it comes down to a choice, he is not the one who will be chosen. By either of them. And he doesn't want it to come down to that, ever, especially not because of this.
But Gansey isn't upset. He's asking questions, because of course he is, that's what Ganseys do.
Granted, they're questions Adam doesn't want to answer, because he doesn't want to talk about this, but that's still a whole lot better than disgust or disapproval.]
He didn't say anything, not about that. He just - pulled back, fast.
[Like Adam had burned him, like kissing Adam was the last thing in the world he wanted to do.]
Then he got mad and left. It was really stupid of me.
[He rubs a hand over his face, letting himself feel that anger and deep, scalding embarrassment again. God. What was he thinking?]
Sorry it made things awkward. It'll blow over, he'll stop being mad eventually.
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You’re apologizing to me?
[ There’s heat in his voice, because nothing could be less necessary. If anything, it annoys him that Adam, who he knows is too proud to apologize even when he is at fault, would do it now when he’s the one treated poorly. Gansey shakes his head.
And then, an instant later, he swallows that emotion. Now is no time for it. His tone gentles itself. ]
What have you got to be sorry for? He didn’t have to treat you like that, no matter what he feels.
[ A pause, then. Gansey’s mind is nagging at him, complaining at him. Reminding him of all the times he’d so determinedly kept hidden his feelings for Blue, certain that Adam still felt for her. And certain, too, that Ronan would be angry with him for playing favorites. He’d turned those thoughts over and over again in his mind, and yet here the two of them were doing the same thing. And Adam hadn’t hesitated to tell Gansey about it, not the way Gansey had worried over telling him.
He needs to fix this. He’d thought he was being a good friend by keeping that secret, and in fact, he’s been the opposite.
First things first. ]
Have you spoken to him about it, since that day?
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But even so, it's gratifying to think that Gansey might be even a little angry on his behalf.]
And I didn't have to push that on him. I should've learned, after Blue. He doesn't owe me anything anymore than she did.
[And he wouldn't want that, anyway. Adam's frustrated, angry, hurt that it seems like he'll never be what anyone wants, but even so he doesn't want anyone to do anything out of obligation, or out of - payback of some kind. If Ronan doesn't want him, that's just how it's gonna be. Adam will deal.]
No, I haven't talked to him.
[Adam sighs, looks away again. This is uncomfortable, it's all been uncomfortable. But at least he's talking to someone about it. At least Gansey isn't mad, actually seems to be sympathetic. But he was with Blue, too. Adam doesn't deserve a friend like him.]
Don't get me wrong, I'm pissed that he won't even look me in the eye. I want it over with. But what am I supposed to say? 'Hey, Lynch, sorry about kissing you, that was weird, let's forget it happened so we can be friends again'?
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But there’d been another side to it, too. It hadn’t been Adam she wanted, and that’s the part they’ve both been afraid to admit. It would hurt him. Gansey is certain it would, and it’s the last thing he wants to do.
That someone else might step in and hurt him first is something Gansey hadn’t considered. Least of all that it might be Ronan. What a mess this all is. He does realize that it won’t get better if it’s ignored, though. Not communicating is a common problem in every one of these relationships, including his own with Adam. And certainly including…whatever was between Adam and Ronan. ]
No. Well, not immediately.
I mean talk to him, about why you kissed him and about what he wants. If it’s all a misunderstanding, then fine. Apologize then, and put it behind you, but don’t do that without talking. It’s Ronan. Give him the chance to explain.
[ He pauses then, and lightly knocks his knuckles against Adam’s shoulder. ]
It’s not about owing, you know.
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[He wants to laugh, humorless and a little angry, but he doesn't. Gansey is only trying to help. And it's not bad advice, not really. Adam knows that by most standards that would be the best thing to do. He'd go to Ronan, explain himself calmly, they'd talk it over, and the matter would be settled for good or ill.
But it's Ronan.]
He hates talking. He's never met a problem he wouldn't rather punch than talk about, and he's already angry at me.
[He doesn't really consider how that sounds, because Adam doesn't even consider the possibility that Ronan might actually lose his temper and lash out. It's not a possibility, Adam is perfectly safe with Ronan no matter how angry he is. But their fights are no less vicious just because they're done with words rather than fists, and that's the last thing Adam wants. He's already hurting, and that makes him angry, and it would be too easy for them both to lose their tempers.
He's already fucked up enough. He can't let himself fuck up more.
He looks at Gansey, lets the carefully companionable gesture comfort him a little. At least they haven't fought.]
I really don't know anything about relationships or - anything like that. My track record is pretty much nonexistent.
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No, it's impossible. The fact that it's clearly a real fear of Adam's makes something inside Gansey ache. This is his father's legacy. Gansey hadn't thought he could hate Robert Parrish more than he already did. He'd been wrong. ]
Ronan would never do that. He might not like to talk, but he won't hit you. Adam, you can trust him. He's better than that.
[ He always had been. The thought of this would sicken Ronan. Gansey knows it. ]
Look, this isn't about 'relationships'. It's not as if Ronan's been going on dates left and right, either. Don't talk to him like he's a stranger you have a crush on, talk to him like he's Ronan, the friend who knows you just as well as I do. He'll listen to you.
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[That's not something Adam questions. Ronan has had plenty of opportunity to hit him - plenty of moments when he was angry, when they were both angry, and there was nothing holding him back. Some of those times, Adam probably deserved to get hit. But Ronan never has, he's never been the cause of any of Adam's bruises except the ones Adam willingly volunteered for. Shopping carts, stupid stunts tied to the back of the BMW, teenage fun that ended in scrapes and surprisingly little regret. But Ronan's never hurt him, not for real, and at this point Adam knows he never would.
But that doesn't stop them from getting mean.]
But we'd fight. We probably will no matter what.
[And he's fought with Ronan plenty of times, but he doesn't want that right now, he doesn't want to get into it with Ronan. That would be like rubbing salt in the wound of his rejection. All he wants is for them to go back to normal - well, not all, but it's all he can realistically hope for. Now that Gansey's here, Adam just wants them all to be able to live together comfortably.]
I don't have a crush on him. [Adam sounds, for a moment, rather annoyed.] He's just - whatever. I'm not a schoolgirl, Gansey.
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[ He knows it's stronger than that. That much is very clear. He frowns, unhappy with himself. His words are letting him down, and he despises when that happens. Particularly when it involves his friends. He replays the last few minutes, trying to fix it. ]
That's not what I meant. I just meant -
[ He cuts himself off, wary of making it worse. Less is more. ]
Just talk to him, please. This won't be resolved any other way.
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[But god, he doesn't want to talk to Ronan. He doesn't want to deal with Ronan's harsh words and his anger, he doesn't want to feel like shit when Ronan brushes him off or makes sure he knows Ronan never really wanted him.
And maybe that wouldn't happen. But maybe it would, because however bad things are Adam knows intimately that they can always, always get worse. And it's always better to expect the worst, because then you can't be caught off guard. Then it'll hurt less if it happens.]
You shouldn't have to deal with this. I told you it was stupid.
[There is some relief, though, that he was able to tell someone, and that he was able to talk to Gansey about it specifically. That Gansey didn't get upset or disgusted. Adam doesn't have very many friends, and he has even fewer that he would ever be willing to talk about this sort of thing with. He's not happy to dump it on Gansey like this, of course, but - it's sort of comforting to be listened to.]
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It wasn't stupid when you were dating Blue. It's not stupid now.
[ He leans back, resting against the counter and folding his arms. ]
I thought you were still caught up on her, you know. You were, last time we talked about any of this.
[ Adam's had a greater distance from all of that, of course, but Gansey's coming from a place where he was directly worried about it. That's the strangest thing about all of this; not that Adam has feelings for one of their friends, but that it's entirely different to the friend he'd imagined. ]
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[Because emotions and relationships are stupid and Adam is bad at them, basically. He only wishes he could deal with people as easily as Gansey does.
He's quiet for a moment, not sure how to explain when things have been so different for them.]
For me, it's been almost a year since that was over. And - honestly, Gansey, I was well on my way to getting over it even before we were taken.
[Because he'd liked Blue - a lot - but he hadn't been in love with her. Maybe if things had been different he could have been, eventually, if he's even capable of loving anyone. But they weren't, and so the point is moot. They'd been done for a couple months when Adam and the others were taken from Henrietta, and the sting of it had dulled considerably. And since then there's been months of awful things, and a few good things, and Ronan. His feelings for Blue are settled, and have been for some time.]
I liked her a lot, but I really wasn't suited to be with anyone. I'm probably still not.
[And he knows that. Adam knows he's not really suited for human company, for love or romance or any of those things. He ruined it with Blue, he's probably ruined it with Ronan too, and how much worse will that be after everything they've shared?]
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It's news to me. I thought...you were still caught up in her, and that if anyone else...
Then that would bother you.
[ Oh, this is going wonderfully. Everyone thinks Gansey is so terribly eloquent, so good with words. He's not. Not when it really matters, when he's talking to his friends. Then, the right thing becomes impossible to find. And then his friends make ridiculous proclamations, like that they're not suited for romance, like it's another thing they can't have.
Gansey wishes he knew how to fix it. All of it. He ends up giving a little shake of his head. ]
Don't say that. Just because it didn't work with her, doesn't mean it won't work with him. It's not the same.
[ And it has to do with how Ronan feels, not just how Adam feels. He's got to talk to him, see what his side to all of this is. It can't be what Adam thinks. Ronan wouldn't do that. ]
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She's not my property. I'm pretty sure she'd yell at us both for even implying it. I don't think it would bother me.
[And if it did, it wouldn't be because he still wants Blue. It would be because Adam doesn't need another reminder that he's not good enough - not for anyone, not for Blue, not for Ronan, not for their schoolmates or his father. For Cabeswater, maybe. He always has Cabeswater.
But regardless, Adam can't imagine that he would be brokenhearted over Blue with someone else. That's over and done with, for both of them. He's moved on, even if it's not working out. It would be ridiculous to act like she can't do the same thing.]
It might not be the same, but it's pretty similar. Neither of them wanted to kiss me, and Ronan doesn't even have the excuse of a curse.
[He wouldn't fuck it up in the same way he did with Blue, he doesn't think - he's got a better handle on himself, on Cabeswater, on his anger, and anyway Ronan has enough anger of his own, it wouldn't be the end of the world if Adam lost his temper. But all that really means is that Adam can fuck it up in new and delightful ways.]
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Be something, anyway, even if they couldn’t properly be together. Even if her curse still prevented that. Maybe he could talk to her, if all of this is the same when next he sees her. It probably doesn’t matter right now. There’s nothing that he can do about it anyway.
He does feel for Adam, though. He knows things didn’t end well between them and that must make it harder with Ronan. It couldn’t not. ]
You don’t know what his excuse was, and you won’t unless you ask him. This isn’t your fault, Adam. It’s not that simple. It wasn’t with Blue, and it won’t be with Ronan either.
Don’t think so lowly of yourself. You’re better than that.
[ Honestly, who wouldn’t want to kiss Adam? The thought that it could somehow be a failing of his just doesn’t make sense to Gansey. There are few people he rates as highly as Adam Parrish. It just happens to be that Blue and Ronan are two of them. ]
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But even knowing it's his own fault doesn't mean it's easy to accept. It doesn't mean that he doesn't want more, that he doesn't wish someone would give him a chance for once, let him try. It doesn't mean he's any less frustrated and disappointed when things don't work out. More, maybe, because he should have been able to do better.
He knows that Gansey will just argue with him if he says any of that, though, so he doesn't.]
I'll talk to him. Even if there isn't a reason, even if he just doesn't - want me, I don't want things to stay like this. It's uncomfortable. We have to live together.
[And he can't deal with avoiding Ronan, not meeting his eyes, only talking to him when necessary. It would be awkward with any of them, but he and Ronan have grown so close over the past months. He doesn't know how to handle it.]
Don't worry about it, Gansey. I'll take care of it.
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Okay. I know you will.
I’m sorry, though. I only ever expected a fight. I didn’t realize…how much more there was.
[ Or how strongly it would be bothering Adam. ]
Listen, don’t think you have to keep this to yourself anymore. If you ever want to talk about it, you know where I am.
[ As for ‘not worrying’, there’s little to know chance of that. He’ll worry about them both now, until there’s some resolution to this. And depending on what the resolution is, he’ll worry even then. ]
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There wasn't any way for you to know. Neither of us told you.
[Until now, anyway, and though talking about it to Gansey is sort of a weight off Adam's shoulders, it's still awkward and strange. This isn't like when he asked for help with Blue - neither of them knew her that well then, she was still just a girl, an interesting and appealing one but not yet part of their friendship. Ronan is Ronan, he's been Gansey's best friend for longer than Adam's been part of their lives. It's different.]
I don't want you to feel like you have to mediate, or keep secrets from him, or anything.
[Adam knows that he could easily mess things up, change the balance of their friendship, and not in a good way. He's afraid of that, he always was. That's why he hesitated over his feelings for so long. He can't lose Ronan, even if he can't have him, either.]
What we've all already got is more important than - that.
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And now they could be inseparable, and Gansey would be…not part of that, which is a very strange thought. He hasn’t totally acclimatized to that yet. What he does know, though, is that his feelings on that score can’t be allowed to matter. They are more important. Gansey can’t believe that Adam is right about Ronan pushing him away. Ronan’s friends have always meant more to him than that. There’s some disconnect here, and they need to untangle it. What happens at the end of that is between the two of them, as it should be.
Gansey pushes his own worries down. He won’t let them get in the way. ]
If that’s true, then what we’ve got won’t go anywhere. Adam, I’m not walking away from either of you. Work this out. I want you both to be happy, and…
You don’t need to keep it hidden. Especially if you’re upset, Jesus. Do you really think I wouldn’t want to hear it just because it’s Ronan? I’m still your friend. I always will be.
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You're his friend too. You shouldn't have to be in the middle. And honestly... I mean, he probably needs that kind of thing more than I do.
[Because Ronan's had a family, brothers, a mother and father, people to turn to when he needed to have a sounding board or a shoulder to cry on. Adam's never had any of that, doesn't even know how to ask for it. Ronan has always needed to lean on Gansey more than Adam has, because Adam has never been able to lean on anyone. Adam wouldn't want to take that away from him just out of frustration and weakness.]
It's okay. It'll be okay. I'll figure it out, and we'll get things back to normal. I just... I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to get hurt. It's all stupid.
[Adam shrugs, manages to summon up something a little bit like a smile.]
We'll work it out. Trust me.
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