hadriel_logs | (open) i will never find a way to heal my soul

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(open) i will never find a way to heal my soul

Who: Atem and peeps. Open mostly, specially to anyone in the in the clinic.
What: Atem finally comes to after being attacked by Yukari, spends some time at the clinic being a massive grump, then goes home to grump a little more.
Where: Clinic / house 6-1
When: November 3rd- 14th
Warnings: Mentions of stitches and wounds ew, torture and blood. Other possible warnings in comments.

november 3rd | clinic | open to one trafalgar law

「He wakes. He wakes and all his being pushes him to scream, it is not possible for someone to withstand so much pain, so much cold. But he does not utter a sound. His body shivers from the cold, and he frantically looks around trying to get his bearings, trying to locate him, Yukari. He doesn't remember anything, just pain, and so much red, and the need to hurt that man as much as he possibly could, to stop him from going after someone else, then nothing, just nothing. He tries to sit up, failing completely, the ache down his chest forcing him to fall back onto the mattress and finally making him blurt out a pained cry.

It's been so long since he's felt this torment, this body is was not designed to endure so much punishment, it was a temporal vessel for his wandering soul. Why must he go through it all over again? Wasn't he done? Wasn't his time up? Why have they abandoned here...? Was he never good enough to move on, to go back home? -- Why is he here?!

Please end it, anyone, please just, end him.」

november 3rd - 12th | clinic | ota

「He should probably be sleeping instead of forcing himself to stay awake and even more so, forcing his dominant hand to play chess on his phone, or even to reply a few messages. Hell, he can barely hold the stupid phone, but he needs the distraction. Every time he goes to sleep, he sees his face, and then he remembers how stupid he was to give his trust away, again.

Meh, just meh...」

november 13rd - 14th | imported house 6-1 | open to bakura and anyone who asks idk (someone bring food to this child omg)

「Not being able to stay at the clinic any longer, because it is so damn depressing, Atem finally convinces them to let him go home, under the solemn promise that he would not do anything stupid. Like going outside and look for Yukari.

Being drained from the past days, he often finds himself simply sleeping, indulging into tiredness and allowing his vessel to regain its strength (not that he has many options controlling that...). But more than once, he finds himself bored to death and trying to get a hold of his cards, he can't. Having sliced through his fingers, trying to avoid Yukari's blade to go any further into his shoulder has made it impossible for now. It is so frustrating, so painful! 」

Dammit!

「It wouldn't be the first nor the last time during these days that he's absolutely tempted to toss his deck of cards to a close wall due sheer resentment, but he doesn't... Picking them up would be yet another pain in the ass.」

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

You're all I have here.

「Atem's own words just are blurted out before he even has the time to censor them. He does not regret them, however, it is the truth. Sure, Atem has made some friends, some stronger than others but... None of them really knew him. Not like Bakura does.

It is a little depressing to realize it.」

Please...

「He's fully aware of how pathetic he must sound. But surely it's no more than how pathetic he looks, so, he tries to pay no mind to it.」

Edited 2017-11-05 17:05 (UTC)

You have the friends you’ve made here.

[Is he really doing this? Is he really giving the friendship speech? Why is he giving the friendship speech? Bakura shakes his head at his own thoughts, pushing them out of his mind in order to focus on the other man. Atem does look pathetic, all bandaged and tired, laying against the pillows, but the sight brings him no joy. He’s not entirely sure why.]

Why did you even choose to stay in such a big house all alone anyway? [The question is blurted out before he can think better of it.]

「Atem could try to explain to him, but the truth is that he doesn't even know how, or where to begin. But he stays, not on his terms but Atem's chest feels less cramped.」

I liked the balcony... and, the space.

「It's true. Plus other stupid stuff.」

You’re an idiot.

[The empty space does nothing more than echo at the worst times, reminding Bakura of things on which he’d rather not think. No doubting the Pharaoh had been thinking of his friends and making this a place they could all stay in proximity. Instead he’d gotten Bakura and the space had become one of forced conversations and arguments filled with barbed words — when they weren’t ignoring each other.

He still doesn’t know why he stayed. Initially it had been for the convenience of his own recovery, but now? Now that question is harder to answer.]

You should eat before it gets cold. [It’s a safe topic of conversation, focused on the food that he’d brought up to Atem.] I’ll have to go out for more food tomorrow.

I know...

「He knows he is an idiot, but not because he got a big house. Besides, a smaller place would have done the same and worse, plus there were the stairs. Besides, you don't put two people like them in such reduced apartments and not expect them to nearly kill each other, the space helped.」

I'm not... 「hungry... He knows where that conversation will go so he stops before it starts. But ignores the food anyway.」

I was bringing some. That day.

「Just saying, he's got no idea why. Or maybe he does. Atem casually takes off the bandages on his right hand, just to see the deep cuts on his fingers and his palm (if Law was there, he'd already be smacking him on the back of his head). He thinks of his next words, carefully.」

What would you have done, Bakura, if someone had attacked you instead?

Edited 2017-11-06 00:06 (UTC)

You still need to eat. The body can't heal if you don't fuel it. [Not that he expects Atem to listen to him anyway, but he has to say it — and it's the last he'll make that argument. It's not his fault if Atem won't listen.]

I know. I found it when I arrived. [But he hadn't found Atem or Law or Yukari, only an empty street, spilled groceries, blood, and a lot of questions.

And Law might not be present but that doesn't mean that Atem is going to be allowed to be so casual with his bandages! Bakura gives him a moment or two to look, before reaching for the hand to rebandage it. He wonders if Atem will allow him to do it without fussing.]

Me? [He snorts; he thinks the answer's obvious.] I would've shown him exactly how dark a Shadow Game can be.

「In truth, he just wanted to see if it would be easier to hold anything without the bandages, but when he looks at the cuts, he just looks absolutely miserable instead. It's gonna take a while indeed. Bakura then reaches and he pulls back instinctively, trying to protect himself, but pass the initial surprise, it is him who offers it back. It is easier to have someone else's help with that.

He chuckles darkly then, not to Bakura exactly, but at the answer. It's not like he hadn't thought about it then and after.」

I wish I could have seen that. 「He means it.」 If he wouldn't cut your head before you even thought about it. 「He also means it.」

[Bandaging Atem’s wounds is a quick, quiet affair. Bakura’s motions are smooth and efficient; it’s clear that he’s more than familiar with what he’s doing, which probably hints at how often he’s done it for his host body. He doesn’t talk as he works, feeling it unnecessary and unwanted. After all, they’re not friends.

Once the bandages are secured, he puts space between them once more.]

Don’t underestimate me. [He’s said it before, but he can also plainly see the evidence of what Yukari did to Atem. And he understands, or thinks he understands, some of what Atem’s struggle is, because it’s one he also feels.] This body is... frustrating. So much weaker than my own.

[Ryou had proven himself strong enough for his size, especially considering what Bakura put him through, but he simply doesn’t have the build of the Thief King.]

「It does seem like a mechanical action rather than one out of love, to call it in some way. But Bakura gets the job done nicely and Atem gives him a thankful nod. That's all.」

I don't. 「Not anymore at least, but it's true that these bodies (he cannot get the full grasp yet as of how his exists at all) while really resistent, are not really theirs.」

But it is you who shouldn't underestimate anyone here. A Shadow Game would have not saved you had you been in my place. 「And knowing him, he wouldn't have asked for help as Atem did. He would probably be dead by now. But he's not and Atem does not want him to be... ~~who would make him dinner after all?~~ Atem's tone, lacking of the usual sting that he uses to talk to Bakura might get lost in the still blunt worlds.」

Bakura... 「there is a bit of a hesitant pause, he should probably not be doing this, but to desperate times...」 ... Can you, summon him?

「...desperate measures. He tests the waters, see how much he truly remembers.」

[After backing away the former thief starts to pace lightly. It's an idle motion more than anything else, movement for its own sake. Normally he'd keep his hands occupied instead — shuffling cards or rolling dice over his fingers are favorites — but he's trying to be a little sensitive to Atem's injury (in that he doesn't want to hear the man complain about his weak fingers).]

Wouldn't it have? Maybe, or maybe not. But if I was going to come that close to death, I would have made sure to take him with me. [There's a brief, suspicious pause.] You know that I have no problems killing someone.

[Eyes narrow, and Bakura crosses his arms over his chest. What game are you playing at, Pharaoh?] That depends on which him you're talking about, doesn't it?

「Oh, but there had never been a doubt regarding that abhorrent talent of Bakura's — and he might be a little hypocrite regarding that one, seeming how hard Atem himself tried to kill Yukari then, not solely based on self defense — but it goes ignored in favor to something a little more constructive.

Atem gives a small frustrated sigh, he will have to spell it for him.」

Diabound.

[Their feelings regarding killing clearly outline their differences; for Bakura it had been a way of life and of survival, among other things. He doubts Atem will ever be able to understand that, and he has no intention of trying to explain it.

He does stop pacing though, fixing Atem with a flat stare. First the Pharaoh had mentioned Zorc; now Diabound. And he knows his true name.] I'm starting to wonder what exactly you do know about me.

[But not answering would just be petulant, and not very constructive. There's a greater enemy at play, and Bakura clearly remembers his first failed attempt to cooperate with Atem. He wonders if the Pharaoh's views have changed at all.] Of course I can; how do you think I survived in those caves for so long? But it takes much more effort here than at home, much more energy.

I already told you that.

「Everything, or way too much. But at the answer, Atem seems to relax, an unexpected outcome, for him, even.」

Hmm, okay.

「He doesn't like the fact to hear how it takes an extra effort, but he doesn't mention it, just stores it in the many thoughts he's got regarding the issue. Heh, maybe he would have survived Yukari after all...

And, that's all he says. Wow.」

Edited 2017-11-09 16:45 (UTC)

Asshole.

[It's an automatic response, much like the utterance of "bless you" after a sneeze, and as such lacks a lot of the bite it could have. He still doesn't know why he's even entertaining this stupid conversation in the first place.]

Besides, according to the Null, brain dead would have been good enough. I could've put you in a coma, let your soul take a little three-day vacation in a playing card, and we could've been done with it much easier — and without all the stabbing and bleeding all over the place. [Not that Atem would have cooperated, but whatever.]

「Atem rolls his eyes, might as well start getting used to the insults, but he's too proud, they still bother him.
Maybe one they will not.

... So, there is the why of that question over the network? Not that Atem hadn't reached the same conclusion after a moment.」

You say it as if he had given me the option. 「It's with obvious frustration, and then a long, thoughtful pause.」 You could still do it... 「yes, yes he just said that.」 Not in a card, like hell I'd let you get me in a card. 「Ew.」

[The Pharaoh can roll his eyes all he wants; it's not going to change Bakura's behavior. Then again, Atem's not exactly changing himself either, despite the fact that Bakura is actually attempting to help him recover.

Maybe there's too much of pride between them for either one to bend.]

True. But if you had wanted to cooperate, maybe we could have avoided all this.

[To that offer, Bakura just laughs.] Do you really think it's any fun if you let me? Or are you just that desperate to get away from the pain?

...

「Bakura is right and he knows it, just another thing to be frustrated at.

And you know what? He just plainly remains silent to both statements, he will not deny anything nor affirm anything either. He cannot possibly tell him how much he has wished Yukari had actually killed him, specially during the first days. He's only felt this much pain once (twice), he's so done with it.

Gods, he's pathetic.」

[Atem may be frustrated, but Bakura has no sympathy for it. In fact, that sullen silence actually angers him. Arms uncross and he stops pacing, firmly planting himself at the edge of the bed so that he can lean over it, hands braced against the mattress so he can stare Atem in the eyes.]

Do you know what the pain means? [His voice is cold and serious and shakes a little with an undercurrent of anger.] It means that you're alive. You can lie to yourself about anything, you can lose yourself in your games or your future or your destiny or whatever you want, but you can't hide from this. Yeah, it hurts. There's no easy way out of this, Atem. You deal with it, you make it a part of yourself, and you give back just as good as you took when the time comes.

You're going to eat what I brought you, you're going to exercise that hand and arm, and you're going to learn to deal with it. I'm not going to be your easy way out of this. And if — if — you can put forth that kind of effort then yes, I can take the pain away. But it's only temporary. I won't be your solution or your salvation or anything stupid like that. But I will be your rival, if you can prove that you deserve it.

[That little speech is probably as much as he's said to the Pharaoh since they've been here, and likely reveals much more than he realizes.]

Edited 2017-11-09 18:13 (UTC)

「Oh dear Ra, is Bakura actually lecturing him about this shit?! He can't actually help but flinch at how he calls him by his name, however, it's so damn weird coming from this guy — but if this is not adding insult to injury in its purest form, he doesn't know what it is.

Atem could go on and on about how he's not supposed to be alive, about how fucking tired he is at all of it, but he is also very aware that this is his now, his present and he cannot, indeed, run away from it. It will not help at all. A moment of respire, though, is it too much to ask?

There is a flurry of mixed feelings that Atem cannot control. Anger (especially, maybe), surprise, actual confusion, and something very akin to admiration is what he can identify the most. How amazing is it that he is so set on remaining so blind about his situation, about how he's actually not alone here that even Bakura — Bakura, of all people! — has to step forward and put his foot down, no matter how many people he's met here telling him and showing him the opposite? Oh, and now there is shame too.

As much as Atem wishes to tell him to go fuck himself, he can't. He's got no words, he wants to thank him, to scream at him to get the hell out and that he does not understand, oh, but he does, doesn't he? Better than most. And there is some dismay as well.

Second chances, huh? Law's words come back to him, and as much as Atem refutes that this is not what he says, nothing will change the fact that he is very much alive right now.

Better start acting like it.

Little by little, Atem's expression goes back to a rather neutral one. He, with effort, pushes Bakura off his face, gently, actually, albeit as firm as he can pull off right now, but along the way he actually reaches to for him, to use him as support somehow, awkwardly, and pulls himself up. He moves slowly just to sit at the edge of the bed. Then he reaches for the tray of food.」

Edited (sue me) 2017-11-09 19:06 (UTC)

[It's fascinating to watch the play of emotions across the Pharaoh's face, fascinating and amusing and satisfying and something else besides. He half expects, for a moment, that Atem is going to rail at him, attack him with words or weak fists, and it actually gratifies him when he does not. They can both apparently be adults. What a concept.

He moves when he's pushed away, but when Atem reaches for him, he does slide his forearms against the other man's, gripping his elbows and letting himself be used for leverage. He's not fully sure that Atem has broken out of his self pity, but at least this appears to be progress.]

Good. [It's the response to Atem moving for the tray. There's still anger in his voice, but there's also satisfaction as well.] You've got to be the worst patient ever.

「No, of course he hasn't gotten over it, there is still and there is gonna be a lot of self hatred for a while. There is a lot that was broken inside him with Yukari's attack, a lot to mend, a lot to heal. But, he needs to start somewhere.

Like trying to feed himself to start with. He places the tray on his lap, carefully and proceeds to try to hold the spoon, and it obviously hurts him but he doesn't make any attempts to stop. And after what seems a lifetime, he finally tries the soup, occupying himself with it instead of responding to Bakura's barb, he doesn't need to say it, knows it.」

It's good.

Edited 2017-11-09 22:40 (UTC)

[The compliment actually takes him by surprise, an emotion that's clear on Bakura's face if Atem is paying attention. It even stops him from leaving the room; instead he just leans against the wall and crosses his arms.]

I'll try to remember what all I put in it so I can make it again. [A pause.] But I'm definitely going to have to go out tomorrow for food.

「Alas, Atem is not paying attention, keeping it on trying to hold the tray steady, juggling with the food, trying to ace this so he stops feeling so damn useless and pathetic. But he registers after a moment that Bakura is a little further away and not as close as he used to. He stops eating to observe him for a second.」

Hold on, Bakura...

What?

[He's not actually expecting to be wanted. They're not friends, this thing between them is only a truce and nothing more. But Atem asks him to wait and wait he does, though he can't imagine why the Pharaoh would want such a thing.]

... Would you—

「Damn it shouldn't be so hard.」

Would you like to duel later?

「Is it the meds? Or the fact that he's honestly missing just to play his favorite game against someone who knows what they are doing (and that does have a deck...)?」

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