hadriel_logs | So I'm saying my goodbye

Entry tags:

So I'm saying my goodbye

Who: Ronan and Adam
What: Adam sort of assisted Ronan's mother commit suicide during the ghost event. Ronan finds out.
Where: casa de Raven
When: Backdated to just after the ghost event
Warnings: Discussion of suicide, betrayal, all that fun stuff.

[Ronan wakes up slowly and becomes aware of several things in varying degrees. He feels warm- there's a blanket on him, tucked snugly around his shoulders. His hand hurts, from laying his cheek against it on their dining table. His back is sore from hunching over for so long.

But he feels more awake than he has in days, despite having just recently woken up. Ronan doesn't move for a long few moments, as is customary for him when coming out of sleep, and as he blinks away the sleep from his eyes, he thinks that maybe he's finally gotten enough rest.

Nobody else is in the house. He stands slowly, letting the blanket fall back against the chair behind him. Chainsaw is in his room, making a racket in her cage, and Ronan moves toward her, unlatching it and watching as she flutters out, feathers rumpled, rushing past his face and to his bed.]

The fuck is your problem?

[She doesn't respond of course and he frowns, only just now picking up the sound of Aspen's claws tittering on the floor above him.]

Adam?

[He calls out- but there's no response. The dog upstairs hears him and starts moving down the steps toward his voice.]

...mom? [It's softer this time, almost a whisper.

He's alone in the house, like he thought, but both of the animals are here as well. What could that mean? Even if they'd gone for a walk or gone searching for food, they'd take Aspen. Something feels wrong about this.

Ronan checks the windows before moving out of the house, patting his leg so that Aspen will follow him. Nobody outside. He knows that searching for them will be pointless when they'll likely just return home soon anyway, and so he paces on the street leading toward their house, impatient and with both Chainsaw and Aspen on his heels, catching his anxiety and seeming adequately nervous themselves.]

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[Adam doesn't want to go home.

That's rare for him, incredibly so. He never had much of a home back in Henrietta, but here - here, he and Ronan have managed to build something amazing with the two of them, even if it is only the two of them now. He doesn't dread going home, he's usually happy to be returning after a day out, knowing Ronan will either be there or be coming back soon and they can eat something and kiss and curl up together.

But he doesn't want to go home now. He doesn't want to face Ronan. He knows Ronan will be furious, will feel betrayed, will not take this well. And Adam doesn't blame him - he feels awful - but he knows it was what needed to happen. It's what he has to hold on to, the only thing he has. It was the right thing to do. He wasn't going to let Ronan die.

Instead, he let Aurora die. He helped her die.

He doesn't know what he can say or do to make that okay. It's not okay, and he knows it. But he can't stay away forever - he has to take responsibility for what he's done. And he doesn't want Ronan to be alone, wondering what happened.

So he goes home.

It isn't until he sees Ronan that he realizes - he wasn't sure it was going to work. He wasn't sure that Aurora's death would restore Ronan's energy, and part of him feared it wouldn't, and he'd have done all that for nothing. But Ronan is there, on the street in front of their home, awake and alive and feeling better than he has in days. In that moment, Adam knows that it was worth it, it did have to happen. He knows Ronan may not agree, but he believes that. His steps speed up.]

You're awake.

[It's a relief to see Adam turn the corner to head home, and Ronan's shoulders go a little slack at the sight of him. There are times when the two of them can't bear to be apart, particularly after difficult events that separate them. This isn't one of those times, Ronan is capable of dropping Adam off for work, of heading down to the shops, of going to the orchard by himself. But something about this feels different, and it leaves a tangle of anxiety in his gut.

Still, he moves toward the other boy quickly, Aspen and Chainsaw on his heels. Their distress hasn't quite been eased yet, but they both seem just as pleased to see Adam as Ronan is.

When they meet, Ronan wraps the other boy up in a hug, unable to really articulate why he feels this way. The tension is being eased at the sight of Adam being okay, but it still bothers him, that Adam was gone it all, that his mother- his mother...]

Where's mom?

[He asks, more curious and maybe a little more frightened than accusatory. Ronan's voice is soft and inquisitive when he breaks the hug, tilting his head to look toward Adam's face.]

Adam?

[He clings to Ronan for a moment - and that's the only way to put it, really, for all that Adam isn't typically very clingy. But he doesn't want to let go, he doesn't want to have to face Ronan and tell him what happened. He doesn't want to face the consequences. So he clings to Ronan, holding onto the warmth and solidity of him.

Until he has to let go, because Ronan is asking him about Aurora. He steps back just a little, enough to meet Ronan's eyes. He feels Aspen nose against his hand, and his gesture as he pets the dog is half unconscious and half a deliberate attempt at comforting himself, at gathering strength.]

She's gone.

[He isn't going to beat around the bush. He isn't going to be anything but honest. It's what Ronan deserves, what Aurora deserves, and Adam doesn't think he could stand anything else either. It's like ripping off a band-aid, you have to do it fast or it'll hurt even more.]

It was her decision. She didn't want you to die.

[But Adam refuses to place it entirely at Aurora's feet. He helped her, he went with her.]

Neither of us did.

...what?

[His voice is hushed, not quite believing him. Ronan takes a small step back, away from Adam and he doesn't quite get it- the idea that the boy he loves would kill his mother to save him is so far out of the realm of possibility that it doesn't even occur to him, even when Adam says neither of us, even when Adam says she's gone.]

Her decision to what?

[Louder now, as his thoughts start racing. Ronan looks over Adam's shoulder then, in the direction that the other boy had come from, and he reaches a hand up to his shoulder, pushing him lightly aside so he can step in, look at the street behind him as if Aurora was just there, about to walk in behind Adam and tell him that it's all some kind of joke.

Gone. Ronan's blood goes cold and he turns back toward Adam, almost frantic now- but there's a trace of anger.]

What did you do?

[He knows that Adam loves him. He knows that Adam would do anything to save him. The implication that Adam would destroy something he loves to save him is... it's outlandish, but he knows, somewhere, that Adam would do it. He's pragmatic like that.]

[He sees the anger building in Ronan's eyes, in the set of his shoulder, slipping through the fear. He braces himself. Not against the threat of physical violence - that's not something Adam even considers when he's Ronan he's with - but against the anger that he knows will come. But he knew it would even from the beginning, he knew that and he made his choice.

He's not happy about it. How could he be? But it was necessary. He has to hold on to that.]

It had to be done, Ronan.

[Adam's voice is quiet but firm, as if he's trying to forestall the fight that he knows is coming by shutting it down with the brutal logic of what he's done. He knows it won't work, but he does it anyway. He can't do anything else.]

You would have died. It's what she wanted.

[Aurora loved Ronan enough to do that. Adam loves Ronan enough to help, despite the consequences. It was necessary, it was - maybe the right thing to do, even if it doesn't feel like it.

He repeats those things to himself until he maybe believes them. Aurora's death will remain on his conscience even so.]

[Something about it still refuses to process. When Adam says gone, maybe that just means that she left the proximity- maybe that just means that there's a distance that needs to be maintained between them, that she's still out there somewhere. Maybe she won't wind up torn apart across an open field, maybe her blood won't stain the grass around her.

Ronan knows better. But it's still hard to imagine gone, as if Adam is now complicit in her death, as if Adam is now somehow responsible. He loves him- how could this happen?]

What about what I wanted?

[His breath catches in his throat as he whirls back around to face the other boy, heat rising in his shoulders, in his face.]

You saw. You saw me wake up with her blood on my hands and you just give her back to that? You just-

[His voice cracks, fingers closing into fists so he can feel his nails bite against his palms until it hurts, until his hands feel bloodless with how tight he's clenching them. When he speaks, his voice is thin and high, like it's almost impossible to get the words even out through the closure in his throat.]

...you killed my mom, Adam?

Edited 2017-07-16 04:06 (UTC)

You wanted to die?

[His voice is getting tight. He tries to hold on tight to his temper, but there's nothing about this situation that makes it easy. He thinks of Aurora, of the choice she made, of walking out of their house with her and knowing he'd be coming back alone. Maybe Ronan would have chosen to die instead of letting Aurora die, but Adam couldn't choose that. He never would have been able to.

Adam wishes that he knew what to say, but realistically he knows there isn't anything. There's no perfect combination of words that can calm them both. He can't even calm himself.]

It was her decision. She's an adult, she's your mother, she loves you - she chose to save you.

[He tries to level his voice out, stay calm, but he's failing badly. He watched Aurora die. It was the right thing to do, the only thing to do, but he didn't walk away unaffected.]

I didn't kill her.

[It's all he can say. Any more than that seems like weak justifications, trying to make it all okay, trying to absolve himself of any guilt. But he can't do that. It's impossible. Adam deserves that guilt, he earned it, he won't try to remove it from his shoulders. He can tell the truth, but he won't try to make himself look blameless. He isn't.]

I wanted- [He doesn't know what he wanted. He didn't want to die, not in those exact words- but he didn't want his mother to die either. Ronan thinks that he would have died for her, just as she'd died for him, but neither Aurora nor Adam let him make that choice.

It makes him angry for a lot of reasons- not the least of which is that they knew what decision he would make and so just decided to remove him from the issue altogether.

And to kill his mother.

Or for his mother to kill herself? That part isn't exactly clear, but Adam said that it wasn't by his hand, which doesn't mean that he wasn't somehow complicit in her death. Ronan doesn't want to think that. He doesn't even want to consider the possibility, but he loves his mother, he loves her so much- and he loves Adam too, but this is a betrayal that he doesn't think he can stomach right away.]

You can't just- make these decisions for me, you asshole. Did you even fucking think about letting me decide? Before you went behind my back and took her from me?

[It's not fair to accuse him of that- maybe Ronan would recognize that some other time, but now it doesn't matter in the flushing heat of his anger. His mother is dead, Adam let it happen, Adam knew how much it meant to him and he let it happen. That's unforgivable right now.]

What was I supposed to do?

[He wants to be calm, to be understanding. He wants to see it from Ronan's point of view - and he thinks that he can, that he can understand why Ronan is upset, but the 'calm' part is harder. Impossible, even. He had to watch Aurora die, and is that worse than what Ronan is going through? He doesn't know. Adam was always taught to downplay his own difficulties, his own pain, and now he does it naturally. But he still hurts, he's still upset and angry that it had to happen and angry that Ronan is taking this out on him.

He can't be calm.]

You were asleep most of the day. You were dying! Was I supposed to tell your mother to let you die? Even if I'd wanted to, I wouldn't have. You don't get to choose for her, either.

[Even if she wasn't real, she acted as if she was. As if she had her own mind and could make her own decisions, as if she loved her son. As if she cared for Adam, too. And it's not fair that Ronan is putting this on him, as if it were entirely Adam's choice, as if he coldheartedly made a decision for everyone.

But he knows that if it had come down to that, he probably would have. Ronan isn't necessarily wrong. Adam has always had the capacity to be that sort of monster.]

I didn't want this either, but I wasn't going to let you die.

[Ronan doesn't have much room for reason. He knows that Adam is trying, he knows that Adam is frustrated, but in the heat of his own anger, it's difficult to think outside of himself or care. Of course Adam didn't want this- of course this wasn't planned by him just to hurt Ronan, but does that matter? Do his intentions and why he did it matter over the fact that he still did it?

Later, he'll say yes- right now though, it's impossible for him to think straight. Chainsaw is cawwing out toward the street and Ronan closes his eyes for a moment, his hands clenched tightly into fists. They're still in the middle of the road. He's yelling at Adam in the middle of the road and his mother is dead. He knew it was coming- since the beginning, he's known- but it still guts him, leaves him feeling emptier than he's felt in a long time.

He opens his eyes.]

Fuck this.

[He says it viscerally, spitting the words out.]

Fuck- fuck you, fuck everything. I'm- fucking-

[He can't handle this right now. Can't even think straight, and Ronan turns so that he doesn't choke up when he looks at Adam and is reminded of what he did, he turns his back to the other boy and begins storming back to the house.]

I'm going out. Don't follow me.

[Even Chainsaw knows better than to go toward Ronan right now- she lands on Adam's shoulder with a soft croon while his boots stomp in the dirt.]

[He knew Ronan would be angry - knew he'd be furious, knew it wouldn't go well. So Adam can't say that he didn't expect this, even while it's making him miserable. But even so, even if he expected it, he doesn't want it. He doesn't want Ronan swearing at him and walking away, as if he's going to get his things and... just leave.

But he knows there isn't anything he can do. If he goes after Ronan it'll only get worse. And what can he say, anyway? Ronan doesn't care. Ronan doesn't give a shit that this had to happen, that it wasn't even Adam's choice. He went along with it, it's what he would have chosen if the choice had been up to him. And apparently that's enough to taint him in Ronan's eyes, enough to be unforgivable.

It's bitterly unfair. It's not that Adam thinks what he did was right - how could Aurora's death ever be right? It's that he thinks, he knows that it was the only thing he could do. Neither he nor Aurora was willing to let Ronan die, and Ronan wasn't in any state to be making a decision. It's unfair that Ronan isn't even trying to see that, that he's putting all the blame on Adam, turning him into - something to be walked away from.

Ronan can't even look at him.

He doesn't follow. There's nothing left he can say.]

[It's a few days before Ronan returns. He needs to cool off, and he needs to accept the fact that his mother is dead again, that Adam was somehow involved in her death, that Adam did it out of some desire to save him. None of those things are ideas that he can easily deal with, particularly not when near Adam, and so he separates himself for the longest time they've been apart since arriving here.

He doesn't do much. Gone are the days of irresponsible drag racing and fights he has no chance of winning- instead, Ronan drinks himself stupid for a day, spends a day hungover, and spends the third day lingering around outside of Love's temple.

It feels stupid. It is stupid, but so much of Ronan's wildness and passion and rage and intensity is firmly rooted in love, and so he sits on the steps for a few hours, skipping rocks down the nearby street and trying to get a reign on his emotions. His mother is dead. Adam had a hand in it. His mother is dead.

His mother was likely never here in the first place. Her presence should have been impossible without Niall, but she was alive all the same.

His mother has been dead for awhile. Almost a year- more than that? It's hard to tell in this place.

His mother sacrificed herself for him.

Eventually, his thoughts on his love for her spirals back into Adam and the dark thing that the other boy had done out of love, to save him, even though Ronan knows it had to hurt. It had to hurt, being torn apart by Ronan afterward. It has to hurt now, being alone. He breathes out slow and mulls over how Adam is the only person here that he loves, and how he's still angry- he'll be angry for awhile, he thinks- but his love isn't quite so easily broken.

He lingers until nightfall, head in his hands, before he slowly makes his way back home- a little tipsy, but not blackout drunk like what might be expected of him. It's later than he realized, and Adam might be asleep, so he tries to be quiet when he moves in through the door and takes off his boots and jacket.

There's more than one bedroom, but he heads for theirs anyway, quiet- Aspen and Chainsaw both know it's him, and so they don't panic at the sounds of him tiptoeing through their bedroom door, at the sight of him stumbling out of his jeans and tugging off his socks.

The commotion has probably woken Adam up. He hopes it's not a bad sort of awakening, and Ronan moves toward their bed, cautious for signs of resistance or rejection as he tugs the blankets aside and slips down next to the other boy without a word.]

[Adam hasn't gone looking for Ronan.

He thought about it. He thought about it a lot, in all kinds of ways. Tracking Ronan down and begging his forgiveness, tracking Ronan down and yelling at him. Trying to talk to him again, a hundred different ways. But he never did it, because he knew it would be the wrong thing to do. Adam's emotions are still raw, from Aurora's death and from Ronan's anger, and he knows it's better to isolate himself then. Better than the possible alternative, better than hurting anyone.

So that's what he did. He avoided the clinic, too, except when he knew no one would be there. He doesn't think he's really fit for the company of other people right now, and he doesn't want to answer any questions. He and Ronan aren't constantly together, but they are often enough that someone might notice Ronan isn't around. Adam doesn't know what he would say then.

Mostly, he's at the orchard or he's at home. As the hours and then days slowly tick by, he worries. He worries that Ronan's done something rash, that he's gone into the caves or hurt himself or drunk too much or gotten into a fight with someone more powerful. He worries, too, that Ronan will simply choose not to come back.

He doesn't acknowledge that, ignores it as much as he can. Their bond is stronger than this, he wants to be certain of that, but how can he be? Adam has never really been enough for anyone, not his parents, not Blue, not Gansey. Part of him fears that it was only ever a matter of time before Ronan realized that, too. That's the fear he tries to ignore, the one he doesn't allow himself to contemplate.

He's sleeping when Ronan finally comes home. He doesn't immediately know what the noise is, and wakes tense and a little nervous, but Aspen doesn't bark and Chainsaw doesn't even mutter, and that more than anything calms him. It can only be Ronan.

And then he's relieved, relieved that Ronan is okay, that he's come back, that he isn't planning to stay away forever, he didn't get hurt or killed. A moment after relief comes anger, because Ronan said some shitty things before he left and he's coming back as if - as if none of it happened. It hurts still, that he said those things, that he found it so easy to walk away. That he didn't even try to understand.

But in the end, Adam just moves over so there's more space, so Ronan can lay down. He doesn't know what this means, he's still hurting, but Ronan probably is too. And he's back, he's safe, which in the end is all that Adam can ask for.

He doesn't know what to say. He can smell the faint scent of liquor on Ronan, and he doesn't know what that means, either.]

There's water on the nightstand.

[So he had woken up. Ronan isn't really surprised, but it's a little disappointing- it'd be nice to hold all of this off until morning, when they're both rested and entirely sober, and moreover, it'd be nice if he didn't disturb Adam when he's trying to not be shitty to him.

But Adam is awake and now Ronan is awake, and he murmurs a grumble of thanks before turning to take a deep drink of water and settling back into bed, facing the other boy. It's difficult to make out the features of Adam's face in the dark like this, but what he can't see, he knows by heart: the freckles on his brow, the small scar on the underside of his chin, the exact shade of the blue in his eyes. He knows every part of the breathing shadow in front of him and he loves it, wholly and completely.

Ronan has difficulty communicating that on the best of days, and this- this isn't that. He looks away for a moment, just listening to the two of them breathe, before he shifts forward to reach for Adam's hand, wherever it is under the blankets.]

Shouldn't have left.

[He admits in a low mumble, which is something like an apology. Ronan sighs, closing his eyes and just listening to the quiet sounds of the house around them.]

I don't know what to do with myself when I'm angry. I feel sometimes like it's another monster and it's gonna burn everything down around me. [Ronan swallows hard, wetting his lips.] Like I'm a fucking nuclear bomb and this place is ground zero.

[He lets his fingers tangle with Ronan's. It's such a simple gesture, a small one, but it quiets some part of him that had been frightened - had been worried, on some level, that Ronan might not reach out like that again. He wants to say yes, yes, you shouldn't have left, but that's not helpful, and on top of that it's selfish. He didn't like having Ronan gone - he hated it - but he can't dictate what Ronan does. Especially in that moment, he couldn't have.

The weight of Ronan in the bed next to him is a comfort. Adam has gotten used to sleeping next to someone, next to Ronan in particular, and it was one of many small things that set his life askew. It's no surprise that Ronan has become such an integral part of Adam's day-to-day life, but it's something that is difficult to truly understand unless Ronan isn't there.]

I'm not afraid of your anger.

[His voice is quiet, a soft bit of disturbance in the darkness. But he means it. Ronan knows that, he's sure - he knows that Adam isn't afraid of him, that he's never thought for a moment that Ronan might hurt him. Not like that, anyway, and any other hurt can be easily healed with careful words and intimate touches.]

You're not a monster - you're not a bomb. You're just a person.

[He doesn't know if saying that helps. He's being truthful, and that's all he can do.]

You don't scare me.

[They're kind words, and Ronan nods slightly, his cheek dragging against the pillow. In another time, he might have taken offense to being just a person, but to Adam, that's all he wants to be. He wants Adam to look at him and see a man- somebody worth loving, somebody worth confiding in and being near for as long as he can imagine.

It's silly then, to think that Adam has ever seen him as anything but a person, but then again, most people don't.

It's less silly to marvel at the fact that Adam isn't afraid of him, despite everything. Ronan is afraid of himself sometimes- often, even- and Adam has more to fear from anger than anyone else he knows. But Adam says that he isn't scared, and Adam's fingers are tangled up in his, and Ronan's heart is in his throat as he thinks about how the feelings in Love's temple pale in comparison to what he's feeling now.

Fuck, but he needs him.]

I scare a lot of people, [he admits quietly, bringing Adam's hand up to his mouth so that he can kiss at the back of it, looking toward the other boy's face from under his brows.]

Why not you? I mean, you're- [he doesn't know how to say it. He lowers his eyes again, kissing at the pad of Adam's thumb.] -you've got more reason than anybody.

[It's twofold- both because of Adam's home life and because Adam knows what Ronan's capable of. He's seen the destruction that Ronan's fists can cause with his own eyes, and he's watched him pull terrible things out of his head. Ronan knows now, after some reassurance, that Adam isn't afraid of his dreams- but why not his hands?

Ronan would rather die than hurt him of course- he's proven that much already, when Adam's hands were wrapped around his throat- but that still doesn't explain how Adam just seems to know instinctively that Ronan would always stop, when he's lived all his life with someone who never would.]

[He watches Ronan, watches the gentle way Ronan presses his lips to Adam's fingers. Uncurling his fingers, he strokes Ronan's cheek, soft and careful.]

I was never scared of you. You used to make me wary, because I didn't know you and you try so hard to be intimidating.

[And it works - it worked for Adam, too, who's always had to focus so hard on his own survival. He would never have tried to befriend Ronan if not for Gansey, because Ronan was so deliberate about signaling danger and Adam had more then enough danger in his life as it was. He would not have put himself in the potential path of Ronan Lynch's anger. But even then, he wasn't scared - just wary. Next to his father, fear of anything else felt dull and unreal.]

But you never hurt me. Even when you hated having me around, before we were friends. Even when we've fought, when I've pissed you off. I saw you hurt other people, but you didn't hurt me.

[And for a long time, in the back of his mind, Adam wondered when it would turn on him. Because wasn't it inevitable? Just like his mother always said, his father's anger was partly his fault. Since that was the case, it was only a matter of time before he incited Ronan's anger as well, especially since Adam was far more confrontational with him. Lacking the fear beaten into him by his father, Adam would deploy sharp words and judging looks and cold indifference. But Ronan never responded to that with violence, not toward him, and eventually Adam stopped expecting it.]

Even when I tried - even when I tried to kill you, you wouldn't hurt me.

[He doesn't like talking about that. Even now, he doesn't like thinking about it.]

I have all the reason in the world to trust you, Ronan, and none to fear you.

[It's faith, maybe, the only faith Adam feels. Faith that Ronan will never raise a hand to him, that even if they hurt each other with words it'll never turn into bruises. It's not something he ever questions or doubts. It's just how it is. He trusts Ronan like he trusts no one else.]

[He's not sure what to do with this thing that Adam is giving him. It's trust in some form, but more than that- it's surety, sincere and all-encompassing. It's not even in Adam's scope of thought that Ronan would hurt him, which is good because Ronan never would. Not even when he was dying- not even when Adam had his hands around his throat.

They don't talk about it. Even though Ronan remembers that moment with an aching clarity, he knows how much it hurts Adam to think about, and so he's never brought it up, but it's true that Ronan wouldn't hurt him, it's true that Adam has every reason to trust him... but after a lifetime of being afraid, it feels like an honor to be the one thing that Adam doesn't fear, even though he gets angry, even though sometimes he feels like a monster.

He wants to embrace Adam, to wrap his arms around him and hold him tightly, but it would be a bit awkward to manage in their positions, so he simply scoots himself closer on the bed, his fingers tightening a little on Adam's own.]

I love you, [Ronan says like it's a confession- earnest, sincere.] And I'm- I'm sorry I got pissed.

[It wasn't fair of him- not to be cruel to Adam, who has already endured so much cruelty and is still capable of so much devotion. Ronan closes his eyes, lets out a long breath.]

I knew it wouldn't last forever. I just didn't think- I didn't realize that's how it had to end.

[Ronan doesn't say it often, but even if he did it wouldn't matter. No matter how often Adam hears I love you, each time means something to him. Maybe it's because he'd never heard it before, not sincerely. Maybe someday he'll hear it often enough that it won't be precious. That's hard to imagine, but he supposes it isn't impossible.

He doesn't doubt that Ronan loves him, whether or not he says it. But even so, the reminder means something. Ronan is capable of so much love, capable of it in a way that even now feels foreign and incredible to Adam. Knowing that some of that love - a lot of it, maybe - is directed at him is a feeling Adam still struggles with. He is lucky, impossibly so. And he's not afraid - he could never be afraid of Ronan.]

I'm sorry that I hurt you.

[He can't in good conscience apologize for what he did. He's sorry it had to happen, and he's sorry it hurt Ronan, but he's not sorry for doing what needed to be done. Even if, in this case, it was only allowing Aurora to do what she needed to and being there for her.

He would do it again, a thousand times, to save Ronan. So it would be disingenuous to apologize for it. He thinks Ronan knows that, too.]

If there had been anything else I could have done... I just - I can't lose you, Ronan.

[Once was enough. Once was too much. Adam still has nightmares about that - finding Ronan's body, his cold double.

The warmth of Ronan close to him eases those memories away before they can really take shape, but they're always there.]

I couldn't let you die.

[The apology- he understands it and he nods quietly. Ronan isn't sure if he forgives it, though he knows that on some level he does. On some level, it still hurts too much to think about and to know that Adam is the one who caused that pain is difficult for him to get over.

But he still loves him and he knows that he will get over it eventually. That too, has come with a kind of maturity for him, the ability to take a step back from his emotions and realize how this is going to go and how much he still needs Adam closeby.]

I know.

[Because he does know now that he's thought about it and been able to process everything. Ronan closes his eyes and draws his arms around Adam, tucking the other boy against his chest so that they can be close and hold one another. It's only been a couple days, but he's missed the weight of Adam in his arms.]

We make it through everything here, [he murmurs against Adam's hair,] We'll get through this.

[He lets Ronan pull him closer, wrapping an arm around his waist in return. It feels good to be close to him again. They weren't apart for long, not really, but even so - it's always better when Ronan is there. When the darker thoughts in the back of Adam's mind don't get a chance to act up, to tell him that Ronan might never come back.

Of course he'll come back. He'll always come back. They've been through so much together, the bond they have isn't going to be easily broken. Adam knows that. He just sometimes needs to remember like this, with the warmth of Ronan's body against his, with Ronan's arms around him.]

I know we will.

[But he'll try to make it up to Ronan nonetheless. There's nothing he can do to fix what he did - what he had to do. He can't bring Aurora back, and how can anyone possibly make up for assisting someone's beloved mother's suicide? It was the only thing they could do, they had the best intentions in the world, but that doesn't negate Ronan's pain. All Adam can do is love Ronan as hard as he can, even if that's difficult for him sometimes, even if love still feels like a new and strange thing.

Ronan has lost so much of his family. Adam never had much of a family to begin with. But he can try to give Ronan something, to give him the closest thing to a home they can get here.]

I wish this place would stop messing with us. But I'm not going to let it hurt you again.

You can't promise that.

[He says, blunt with the truth but still in his low, even voice. Adam can't promise it any more than Ronan can promise it to him- something else always happens, something else always hurts. They can try to protect one another as best they can, but they can't stop these events from happening.

Ronan likes to think that maybe he could. That maybe, if he could dream something powerful enough, something to take them back home or send them somewhere else, where they won't be hurt- that it would be enough. But he's tried before, secretly- stupid things, things that he wouldn't have told anyone about unless he could confirm that they worked, but nothing has. He's not sure why. Doesn't Cabeswater want them back? Doesn't Cabeswater not want them to suffer through this?

Ronan knows it must be complicated, but that doesn't mean it's not horribly inconvenient.]

I promised you that once, [he says after a moment of silence, reflecting back,] and you were hurt again anyway. I cut off your fucking arm.

[There's a pause and Ronan closes his eyes again, pressing his mouth against Adam's head in a hint of a kiss.]

Instead, just promise me you'll be ready.

[He actually smiles then, a faint and wry thing. It's funny, that's all - it's a twist of fate that for once Ronan is being the practical, logical one and Adam is making promises he can't keep because he doesn't even want to consider anything else. But he knows Ronan is right. They can't promise to protect each other, not when it'll just end in more pain and a sense of failure. There will always be something new here.

Adam wishes that weren't the case. He wishes he were strong enough or powerful enough to protect them both - or at least to protect Ronan, who's been through so much already. Part of it is selfish, of course, when you get right down to it. Adam just doesn't think he can keep himself together if Ronan dies again.

So he'll do whatever he can to keep that from happening. But making a promise - well, they both know that if something happens, he won't be able to keep it. They've both had to accept that.]

You were protecting me then. You saved me.

[He pulls back from Ronan, just a little, so he can meet his eyes.]

I'll do what I have to do, I just - I don't want to hurt you like this again.

[But even saying that, he knows that he will if he has to. If it's a choice between Ronan's life or hurting him, Adam will always choose the option that helps him survive, even if it makes things between them fragile.]

[Ronan isn't sure what Adam's definition of 'protection' is, but he's pretty sure that severing someone's arm doesn't fall under it.

Regardless, he finds that Adam's reassurance still sparks a little warmth in his chest when he thinks about it- that Adam recognizes that Ronan will do anything to save him, even if that means hurting him. In a way, he realizes slowly, it's the same thing that Adam has done to him, the same thing that Adam is promising to do to him again.

It makes it better, framing it like that, eases some of the pain from what initially felt like a visceral betrayal. Ronan meets Adam's gaze with a tiny smile of his own, nodding at the promise.]

Thanks.

[He exhales then, a sigh that's been holding onto the tension knotted at the base of his neck. He feels better- maybe not a hundred percent, and maybe he won't be for awhile, but his anger at Adam is abated now that he understands that the emotion behind the act really isn't much different from how Ronan himself would feel, how he has felt in the past.]

Glad I've got you, [he finally murmurs quietly, glancing away from Adam with a touch of embarrassment.]

[He reaches out, running the tips of his fingers along Ronan's cheekbone, gently turning his face back toward Adam. If it were another situation, he might tease Ronan - like he does sometimes when Ronan lets himself be a little softer, lets gentle words slip out when normally he might be sharp instead. But this isn't a moment for that, and Adam would be lying if he pretended those words meant nothing to him.

He is a survivor, that's something he's always held on to. But to imagine trying to survive here without Ronan - well, not only would he be dead a few times over, but living would barely be worth it. Not everything is always terrible here, but having Ronan to come home to, having someone to trust and watch his back through it all, is priceless.

And the things they've built here - it's not like home, of course. But it's something, and it's theirs, and between the two of them and Chainsaw and Aspen it can feel a little like home. Maybe that's just because Adam has never really had a proper home before, though.]

I think that almost every day.

[He is quiet and honest, and he leans in just a little, pressing his lips gently against Ronan's.]

I know how lucky I am.

Me too.

[He whispers it against Adam's lips as they kiss. He'd die without him- it sounds melodramatic, but Ronan knows that it's trust. Without Adam, what else is there in this hellhole? Without Adam, how could he even begin to go on? He's lost everything else- they both have.

It's unfair to pin his entire life on Adam's shoulders, but there's no other way to go about it. Ronan needs him in a way that he needs the Barns, that he needs his dreams, that he needs air itself, and being cut off from his home means that he relies on Adam more than ever, to be a bridge back to it.

Ronan returns the kiss and deepens it, pressing into Adam's warmth for a reassuring, comforting moment.]

Thank you.

Thank you for coming back.

[It's all he'll say about it - it's the closest he'll come to admitting that secret fear, that Ronan would leave and not come back. He knew that it wasn't true, he knew that the bond they have is so much stronger than that, but he was still afraid. It's not logical, but fear never is, and Adam has had far too much time to become familiar with it.

Ronan wouldn't leave, but he was afraid anyway. And Ronan came back, like Adam knew he would, but he'll never take that for granted.]

Come here.

[He slides closer to Ronan on the bed, until there's hardly any space between them, and kisses him again. It's not enough, he wants to be closer. He doesn't think he needs to say that - Ronan probably knows. But it might be too soon, Ronan might need more time, so Adam tries not to be too insistent. Still, his fingers slide beneath Ronan's shirt, against his skin.]

[Ronan lets Adam move closer and he moves closer too, kissing him and wrapping a loose arm around the other boy's shoulders. The fingers under the hem of his shirt are neither unexpected nor are they unwanted and he breathes out softly at the feeling of Adam's hands on him- he doesn't think he'll ever get used to that.]

Yeah?

[It's a rhetorical question, and one that he's happy not to have an answer to, as the answer is evident in Adam's body language. Ronan is still a little tipsy, but he knows what Adam is giving him and he knows what he wants to give in return.

He returns the kiss gently, opening his mouth to taste Adam's tongue, letting his fingers rest in Adam's hair to push the two of them closer together. He wants to be even closer, and he's sure that Adam does too, but first he needs to just kiss him first, after days of no contact. He used to go longer than that- his entire life- but now that he's spent the last year and a half kissing Adam, even a few hours sometimes seems like too much.]

[He wants more, it's true, but right now he's happy to be close to Ronan no matter what they're doing. He missed this, the warmth of Ronan's body next to him, the feel of his skin beneath Adam's fingers, the gentle tug at Adam's hair. The taste of his lips.

He kisses Ronan back. Of course he does. He can taste the alcohol on Ronan's breath, but it's not overwhelming, and it's not unpleasant - not really. He knows Ronan well enough to know that even if he was drinking, even if he's tipsy, he's not so far gone that he doesn't know what he's doing. That's all that matters.]

Yeah.

[But Adam will take it slow. If what Ronan wants right now is just to kiss, and kiss some more - Adam wants that too. He wants this slow building need, this intimacy, this hunger that's always at the edges of his thoughts when Ronan is close like this.

He'll go further when they are ready, but for now this is enough.]

[Ronan feels like, on some level, he's always ready. He's not angry at Adam, not anymore, and he's missed the feeling of him closeby. His thoughts start to wander while he thinks about Adam like this- the expanse of Adam's chest that he wants to see again, the weight and feel of the other boy pressed up against him- and it's enough to want to push things further.

He doesn't speak. He doesn't need to, not when they know one another as well as they do. Instead, Ronan rolls them both so that Adam is on his back on the bed and he's on top, crouched over him with knees on either side of his hips. Ronan lets out a soft noise of satisfaction at the new position, before resuming, kissing Adam proper and letting his hands slide down the narrowness of his waist.

It's always been enough. Even when they just lay in silence together, it's enough- but this is more, and this is something that they can both have. Ronan nips at Adam's lower lip, feeling more in control than he has in weeks, and that's good. That's a start.]

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So I'm saying my goodbye

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