greywaren: (ᴛᴀᴋᴇ ᴍᴇ ᴛᴏ ᴄʜᴜʀᴄʜ)
ʀᴏɴᴀɴ ʟʏɴᴄʜ ([personal profile] greywaren) wrote in [community profile] hadriel_logs2017-07-13 07:09 am

So I'm saying my goodbye

Who: Ronan and Adam
What: Adam sort of assisted Ronan's mother commit suicide during the ghost event. Ronan finds out.
Where: casa de Raven
When: Backdated to just after the ghost event
Warnings: Discussion of suicide, betrayal, all that fun stuff.

[Ronan wakes up slowly and becomes aware of several things in varying degrees. He feels warm- there's a blanket on him, tucked snugly around his shoulders. His hand hurts, from laying his cheek against it on their dining table. His back is sore from hunching over for so long.

But he feels more awake than he has in days, despite having just recently woken up. Ronan doesn't move for a long few moments, as is customary for him when coming out of sleep, and as he blinks away the sleep from his eyes, he thinks that maybe he's finally gotten enough rest.

Nobody else is in the house. He stands slowly, letting the blanket fall back against the chair behind him. Chainsaw is in his room, making a racket in her cage, and Ronan moves toward her, unlatching it and watching as she flutters out, feathers rumpled, rushing past his face and to his bed.]

The fuck is your problem?

[She doesn't respond of course and he frowns, only just now picking up the sound of Aspen's claws tittering on the floor above him.]


[He calls out- but there's no response. The dog upstairs hears him and starts moving down the steps toward his voice.] [It's softer this time, almost a whisper.

He's alone in the house, like he thought, but both of the animals are here as well. What could that mean? Even if they'd gone for a walk or gone searching for food, they'd take Aspen. Something feels wrong about this.

Ronan checks the windows before moving out of the house, patting his leg so that Aspen will follow him. Nobody outside. He knows that searching for them will be pointless when they'll likely just return home soon anyway, and so he paces on the street leading toward their house, impatient and with both Chainsaw and Aspen on his heels, catching his anxiety and seeming adequately nervous themselves.]
unknowable: (mass of blood and foam)

[personal profile] unknowable 2017-07-14 02:19 am (UTC)(link)
[Adam doesn't want to go home.

That's rare for him, incredibly so. He never had much of a home back in Henrietta, but here - here, he and Ronan have managed to build something amazing with the two of them, even if it is only the two of them now. He doesn't dread going home, he's usually happy to be returning after a day out, knowing Ronan will either be there or be coming back soon and they can eat something and kiss and curl up together.

But he doesn't want to go home now. He doesn't want to face Ronan. He knows Ronan will be furious, will feel betrayed, will not take this well. And Adam doesn't blame him - he feels awful - but he knows it was what needed to happen. It's what he has to hold on to, the only thing he has. It was the right thing to do. He wasn't going to let Ronan die.

Instead, he let Aurora die. He helped her die.

He doesn't know what he can say or do to make that okay. It's not okay, and he knows it. But he can't stay away forever - he has to take responsibility for what he's done. And he doesn't want Ronan to be alone, wondering what happened.

So he goes home.

It isn't until he sees Ronan that he realizes - he wasn't sure it was going to work. He wasn't sure that Aurora's death would restore Ronan's energy, and part of him feared it wouldn't, and he'd have done all that for nothing. But Ronan is there, on the street in front of their home, awake and alive and feeling better than he has in days. In that moment, Adam knows that it was worth it, it did have to happen. He knows Ronan may not agree, but he believes that. His steps speed up.]

You're awake.
unknowable: (so I like to keep my issues drawn)

[personal profile] unknowable 2017-07-14 09:27 am (UTC)(link)
[He clings to Ronan for a moment - and that's the only way to put it, really, for all that Adam isn't typically very clingy. But he doesn't want to let go, he doesn't want to have to face Ronan and tell him what happened. He doesn't want to face the consequences. So he clings to Ronan, holding onto the warmth and solidity of him.

Until he has to let go, because Ronan is asking him about Aurora. He steps back just a little, enough to meet Ronan's eyes. He feels Aspen nose against his hand, and his gesture as he pets the dog is half unconscious and half a deliberate attempt at comforting himself, at gathering strength.]

She's gone.

[He isn't going to beat around the bush. He isn't going to be anything but honest. It's what Ronan deserves, what Aurora deserves, and Adam doesn't think he could stand anything else either. It's like ripping off a band-aid, you have to do it fast or it'll hurt even more.]

It was her decision. She didn't want you to die.

[But Adam refuses to place it entirely at Aurora's feet. He helped her, he went with her.]

Neither of us did.
unknowable: (a subtle kiss that no one sees)

[personal profile] unknowable 2017-07-15 08:21 am (UTC)(link)
[He sees the anger building in Ronan's eyes, in the set of his shoulder, slipping through the fear. He braces himself. Not against the threat of physical violence - that's not something Adam even considers when he's Ronan he's with - but against the anger that he knows will come. But he knew it would even from the beginning, he knew that and he made his choice.

He's not happy about it. How could he be? But it was necessary. He has to hold on to that.]

It had to be done, Ronan.

[Adam's voice is quiet but firm, as if he's trying to forestall the fight that he knows is coming by shutting it down with the brutal logic of what he's done. He knows it won't work, but he does it anyway. He can't do anything else.]

You would have died. It's what she wanted.

[Aurora loved Ronan enough to do that. Adam loves Ronan enough to help, despite the consequences. It was necessary, it was - maybe the right thing to do, even if it doesn't feel like it.

He repeats those things to himself until he maybe believes them. Aurora's death will remain on his conscience even so.]
unknowable: (breaking out of this two-star town)

[personal profile] unknowable 2017-07-17 09:24 am (UTC)(link)
You wanted to die?

[His voice is getting tight. He tries to hold on tight to his temper, but there's nothing about this situation that makes it easy. He thinks of Aurora, of the choice she made, of walking out of their house with her and knowing he'd be coming back alone. Maybe Ronan would have chosen to die instead of letting Aurora die, but Adam couldn't choose that. He never would have been able to.

Adam wishes that he knew what to say, but realistically he knows there isn't anything. There's no perfect combination of words that can calm them both. He can't even calm himself.]

It was her decision. She's an adult, she's your mother, she loves you - she chose to save you.

[He tries to level his voice out, stay calm, but he's failing badly. He watched Aurora die. It was the right thing to do, the only thing to do, but he didn't walk away unaffected.]

I didn't kill her.

[It's all he can say. Any more than that seems like weak justifications, trying to make it all okay, trying to absolve himself of any guilt. But he can't do that. It's impossible. Adam deserves that guilt, he earned it, he won't try to remove it from his shoulders. He can tell the truth, but he won't try to make himself look blameless. He isn't.]
unknowable: (so I like to keep my issues drawn)

[personal profile] unknowable 2017-07-28 12:54 am (UTC)(link)
What was I supposed to do?

[He wants to be calm, to be understanding. He wants to see it from Ronan's point of view - and he thinks that he can, that he can understand why Ronan is upset, but the 'calm' part is harder. Impossible, even. He had to watch Aurora die, and is that worse than what Ronan is going through? He doesn't know. Adam was always taught to downplay his own difficulties, his own pain, and now he does it naturally. But he still hurts, he's still upset and angry that it had to happen and angry that Ronan is taking this out on him.

He can't be calm.]

You were asleep most of the day. You were dying! Was I supposed to tell your mother to let you die? Even if I'd wanted to, I wouldn't have. You don't get to choose for her, either.

[Even if she wasn't real, she acted as if she was. As if she had her own mind and could make her own decisions, as if she loved her son. As if she cared for Adam, too. And it's not fair that Ronan is putting this on him, as if it were entirely Adam's choice, as if he coldheartedly made a decision for everyone.

But he knows that if it had come down to that, he probably would have. Ronan isn't necessarily wrong. Adam has always had the capacity to be that sort of monster.]

I didn't want this either, but I wasn't going to let you die.
unknowable: (I like to keep my issues drawn)

[personal profile] unknowable 2017-08-05 05:54 am (UTC)(link)
[He knew Ronan would be angry - knew he'd be furious, knew it wouldn't go well. So Adam can't say that he didn't expect this, even while it's making him miserable. But even so, even if he expected it, he doesn't want it. He doesn't want Ronan swearing at him and walking away, as if he's going to get his things and... just leave.

But he knows there isn't anything he can do. If he goes after Ronan it'll only get worse. And what can he say, anyway? Ronan doesn't care. Ronan doesn't give a shit that this had to happen, that it wasn't even Adam's choice. He went along with it, it's what he would have chosen if the choice had been up to him. And apparently that's enough to taint him in Ronan's eyes, enough to be unforgivable.

It's bitterly unfair. It's not that Adam thinks what he did was right - how could Aurora's death ever be right? It's that he thinks, he knows that it was the only thing he could do. Neither he nor Aurora was willing to let Ronan die, and Ronan wasn't in any state to be making a decision. It's unfair that Ronan isn't even trying to see that, that he's putting all the blame on Adam, turning him into - something to be walked away from.

Ronan can't even look at him.

He doesn't follow. There's nothing left he can say.]
unknowable: (it's funny how you just break down)

[personal profile] unknowable 2017-08-07 05:11 am (UTC)(link)
[Adam hasn't gone looking for Ronan.

He thought about it. He thought about it a lot, in all kinds of ways. Tracking Ronan down and begging his forgiveness, tracking Ronan down and yelling at him. Trying to talk to him again, a hundred different ways. But he never did it, because he knew it would be the wrong thing to do. Adam's emotions are still raw, from Aurora's death and from Ronan's anger, and he knows it's better to isolate himself then. Better than the possible alternative, better than hurting anyone.

So that's what he did. He avoided the clinic, too, except when he knew no one would be there. He doesn't think he's really fit for the company of other people right now, and he doesn't want to answer any questions. He and Ronan aren't constantly together, but they are often enough that someone might notice Ronan isn't around. Adam doesn't know what he would say then.

Mostly, he's at the orchard or he's at home. As the hours and then days slowly tick by, he worries. He worries that Ronan's done something rash, that he's gone into the caves or hurt himself or drunk too much or gotten into a fight with someone more powerful. He worries, too, that Ronan will simply choose not to come back.

He doesn't acknowledge that, ignores it as much as he can. Their bond is stronger than this, he wants to be certain of that, but how can he be? Adam has never really been enough for anyone, not his parents, not Blue, not Gansey. Part of him fears that it was only ever a matter of time before Ronan realized that, too. That's the fear he tries to ignore, the one he doesn't allow himself to contemplate.

He's sleeping when Ronan finally comes home. He doesn't immediately know what the noise is, and wakes tense and a little nervous, but Aspen doesn't bark and Chainsaw doesn't even mutter, and that more than anything calms him. It can only be Ronan.

And then he's relieved, relieved that Ronan is okay, that he's come back, that he isn't planning to stay away forever, he didn't get hurt or killed. A moment after relief comes anger, because Ronan said some shitty things before he left and he's coming back as if - as if none of it happened. It hurts still, that he said those things, that he found it so easy to walk away. That he didn't even try to understand.

But in the end, Adam just moves over so there's more space, so Ronan can lay down. He doesn't know what this means, he's still hurting, but Ronan probably is too. And he's back, he's safe, which in the end is all that Adam can ask for.

He doesn't know what to say. He can smell the faint scent of liquor on Ronan, and he doesn't know what that means, either.]

There's water on the nightstand.
unknowable: (you say I'm falling behind)

[personal profile] unknowable 2017-08-11 09:01 am (UTC)(link)
[He lets his fingers tangle with Ronan's. It's such a simple gesture, a small one, but it quiets some part of him that had been frightened - had been worried, on some level, that Ronan might not reach out like that again. He wants to say yes, yes, you shouldn't have left, but that's not helpful, and on top of that it's selfish. He didn't like having Ronan gone - he hated it - but he can't dictate what Ronan does. Especially in that moment, he couldn't have.

The weight of Ronan in the bed next to him is a comfort. Adam has gotten used to sleeping next to someone, next to Ronan in particular, and it was one of many small things that set his life askew. It's no surprise that Ronan has become such an integral part of Adam's day-to-day life, but it's something that is difficult to truly understand unless Ronan isn't there.]

I'm not afraid of your anger.

[His voice is quiet, a soft bit of disturbance in the darkness. But he means it. Ronan knows that, he's sure - he knows that Adam isn't afraid of him, that he's never thought for a moment that Ronan might hurt him. Not like that, anyway, and any other hurt can be easily healed with careful words and intimate touches.]

You're not a monster - you're not a bomb. You're just a person.

[He doesn't know if saying that helps. He's being truthful, and that's all he can do.]

You don't scare me.
unknowable: (on the corner of main street)

[personal profile] unknowable 2017-08-15 11:19 pm (UTC)(link)
[He watches Ronan, watches the gentle way Ronan presses his lips to Adam's fingers. Uncurling his fingers, he strokes Ronan's cheek, soft and careful.]

I was never scared of you. You used to make me wary, because I didn't know you and you try so hard to be intimidating.

[And it works - it worked for Adam, too, who's always had to focus so hard on his own survival. He would never have tried to befriend Ronan if not for Gansey, because Ronan was so deliberate about signaling danger and Adam had more then enough danger in his life as it was. He would not have put himself in the potential path of Ronan Lynch's anger. But even then, he wasn't scared - just wary. Next to his father, fear of anything else felt dull and unreal.]

But you never hurt me. Even when you hated having me around, before we were friends. Even when we've fought, when I've pissed you off. I saw you hurt other people, but you didn't hurt me.

[And for a long time, in the back of his mind, Adam wondered when it would turn on him. Because wasn't it inevitable? Just like his mother always said, his father's anger was partly his fault. Since that was the case, it was only a matter of time before he incited Ronan's anger as well, especially since Adam was far more confrontational with him. Lacking the fear beaten into him by his father, Adam would deploy sharp words and judging looks and cold indifference. But Ronan never responded to that with violence, not toward him, and eventually Adam stopped expecting it.]

Even when I tried - even when I tried to kill you, you wouldn't hurt me.

[He doesn't like talking about that. Even now, he doesn't like thinking about it.]

I have all the reason in the world to trust you, Ronan, and none to fear you.

[It's faith, maybe, the only faith Adam feels. Faith that Ronan will never raise a hand to him, that even if they hurt each other with words it'll never turn into bruises. It's not something he ever questions or doubts. It's just how it is. He trusts Ronan like he trusts no one else.]
unknowable: (it's funny how you just break down)

[personal profile] unknowable 2017-08-20 09:43 pm (UTC)(link)
[Ronan doesn't say it often, but even if he did it wouldn't matter. No matter how often Adam hears I love you, each time means something to him. Maybe it's because he'd never heard it before, not sincerely. Maybe someday he'll hear it often enough that it won't be precious. That's hard to imagine, but he supposes it isn't impossible.

He doesn't doubt that Ronan loves him, whether or not he says it. But even so, the reminder means something. Ronan is capable of so much love, capable of it in a way that even now feels foreign and incredible to Adam. Knowing that some of that love - a lot of it, maybe - is directed at him is a feeling Adam still struggles with. He is lucky, impossibly so. And he's not afraid - he could never be afraid of Ronan.]

I'm sorry that I hurt you.

[He can't in good conscience apologize for what he did. He's sorry it had to happen, and he's sorry it hurt Ronan, but he's not sorry for doing what needed to be done. Even if, in this case, it was only allowing Aurora to do what she needed to and being there for her.

He would do it again, a thousand times, to save Ronan. So it would be disingenuous to apologize for it. He thinks Ronan knows that, too.]

If there had been anything else I could have done... I just - I can't lose you, Ronan.

[Once was enough. Once was too much. Adam still has nightmares about that - finding Ronan's body, his cold double.

The warmth of Ronan close to him eases those memories away before they can really take shape, but they're always there.]

I couldn't let you die.
unknowable: (on the corner of main street)

[personal profile] unknowable 2017-08-26 06:16 am (UTC)(link)
[He lets Ronan pull him closer, wrapping an arm around his waist in return. It feels good to be close to him again. They weren't apart for long, not really, but even so - it's always better when Ronan is there. When the darker thoughts in the back of Adam's mind don't get a chance to act up, to tell him that Ronan might never come back.

Of course he'll come back. He'll always come back. They've been through so much together, the bond they have isn't going to be easily broken. Adam knows that. He just sometimes needs to remember like this, with the warmth of Ronan's body against his, with Ronan's arms around him.]

I know we will.

[But he'll try to make it up to Ronan nonetheless. There's nothing he can do to fix what he did - what he had to do. He can't bring Aurora back, and how can anyone possibly make up for assisting someone's beloved mother's suicide? It was the only thing they could do, they had the best intentions in the world, but that doesn't negate Ronan's pain. All Adam can do is love Ronan as hard as he can, even if that's difficult for him sometimes, even if love still feels like a new and strange thing.

Ronan has lost so much of his family. Adam never had much of a family to begin with. But he can try to give Ronan something, to give him the closest thing to a home they can get here.]

I wish this place would stop messing with us. But I'm not going to let it hurt you again.
unknowable: (I'm gonna turn this thing around)

[personal profile] unknowable 2017-08-28 07:15 pm (UTC)(link)
[He actually smiles then, a faint and wry thing. It's funny, that's all - it's a twist of fate that for once Ronan is being the practical, logical one and Adam is making promises he can't keep because he doesn't even want to consider anything else. But he knows Ronan is right. They can't promise to protect each other, not when it'll just end in more pain and a sense of failure. There will always be something new here.

Adam wishes that weren't the case. He wishes he were strong enough or powerful enough to protect them both - or at least to protect Ronan, who's been through so much already. Part of it is selfish, of course, when you get right down to it. Adam just doesn't think he can keep himself together if Ronan dies again.

So he'll do whatever he can to keep that from happening. But making a promise - well, they both know that if something happens, he won't be able to keep it. They've both had to accept that.]

You were protecting me then. You saved me.

[He pulls back from Ronan, just a little, so he can meet his eyes.]

I'll do what I have to do, I just - I don't want to hurt you like this again.

[But even saying that, he knows that he will if he has to. If it's a choice between Ronan's life or hurting him, Adam will always choose the option that helps him survive, even if it makes things between them fragile.]
unknowable: (it's always darkest before the dawn)

[personal profile] unknowable 2017-09-05 09:08 am (UTC)(link)
[He reaches out, running the tips of his fingers along Ronan's cheekbone, gently turning his face back toward Adam. If it were another situation, he might tease Ronan - like he does sometimes when Ronan lets himself be a little softer, lets gentle words slip out when normally he might be sharp instead. But this isn't a moment for that, and Adam would be lying if he pretended those words meant nothing to him.

He is a survivor, that's something he's always held on to. But to imagine trying to survive here without Ronan - well, not only would he be dead a few times over, but living would barely be worth it. Not everything is always terrible here, but having Ronan to come home to, having someone to trust and watch his back through it all, is priceless.

And the things they've built here - it's not like home, of course. But it's something, and it's theirs, and between the two of them and Chainsaw and Aspen it can feel a little like home. Maybe that's just because Adam has never really had a proper home before, though.]

I think that almost every day.

[He is quiet and honest, and he leans in just a little, pressing his lips gently against Ronan's.]

I know how lucky I am.
unknowable: (I got the green light)

[personal profile] unknowable 2017-09-11 08:34 pm (UTC)(link)
Thank you for coming back.

[It's all he'll say about it - it's the closest he'll come to admitting that secret fear, that Ronan would leave and not come back. He knew that it wasn't true, he knew that the bond they have is so much stronger than that, but he was still afraid. It's not logical, but fear never is, and Adam has had far too much time to become familiar with it.

Ronan wouldn't leave, but he was afraid anyway. And Ronan came back, like Adam knew he would, but he'll never take that for granted.]

Come here.

[He slides closer to Ronan on the bed, until there's hardly any space between them, and kisses him again. It's not enough, he wants to be closer. He doesn't think he needs to say that - Ronan probably knows. But it might be too soon, Ronan might need more time, so Adam tries not to be too insistent. Still, his fingers slide beneath Ronan's shirt, against his skin.]
unknowable: (it's always darkest before the dawn)

[personal profile] unknowable 2017-09-17 01:04 am (UTC)(link)
[He wants more, it's true, but right now he's happy to be close to Ronan no matter what they're doing. He missed this, the warmth of Ronan's body next to him, the feel of his skin beneath Adam's fingers, the gentle tug at Adam's hair. The taste of his lips.

He kisses Ronan back. Of course he does. He can taste the alcohol on Ronan's breath, but it's not overwhelming, and it's not unpleasant - not really. He knows Ronan well enough to know that even if he was drinking, even if he's tipsy, he's not so far gone that he doesn't know what he's doing. That's all that matters.]


[But Adam will take it slow. If what Ronan wants right now is just to kiss, and kiss some more - Adam wants that too. He wants this slow building need, this intimacy, this hunger that's always at the edges of his thoughts when Ronan is close like this.

He'll go further when they are ready, but for now this is enough.]